Blogging Pride and Prejudice as if it Were a Teen Novel: Part THE END

Volume of the Third: Chapters 17-19

Bibliophiles and butterbrains, this book is OVER. Now I'm going to fling myself off Mount Kilimanjaro into a pile of potato salad, just like I promised back in my first post.

Teen Novel Rule #45: Don't make your readers slog through previous pages to understand the end of your story.

Jane Austen wins on this count, and so do I. I never promised you potato salad, Sparklers. When you think of me, remember that much.

Last week, you exhausted young scholars were forced to make a picture book to explain to me that, in fact, Lizzy became engaged to Darcy during Chapter 16. But a long-bearded sage with garlic breath once told me, "Nothing exists until everybody knows about it." And you know what, Grandma was right.

So, in Chapter 17, it finally becomes official: Lizzy rushes off to Jane's room, peels back the curtain of butterflies and magical yarn, and sees Jane reading a Cosmo article, "Thrush, Lockjaw, and Scarlet Fever: How To Use Your Affliction To Wow Your Man in the Bedroom." Jane shamefully sits on her magazine. Lizzy smiles to herself, but says nothing. Jane farts, and both sisters tumble to the wine-colored shag carpet in uproariously laughter.

"Jane, I have something to tell you," Lizzy says.

"I know you farted, too."

"I did, but what I want to say is that I'm marrying Mr. Darcy."

Jane can't believe it, but then she can. She requires about as much convincing as a dead possum, which makes things easy for Lizzy.

Next, Lizzy tells her dad about the engagement. At first he's like, "Aww heywww naw," but then he's like, "Okay fine. I love you like a daughter, so I trust your guts. Now goezun and get hitched!"

Phew. Finally, Lizzy tells her mom. She knows Mrs. Bennet's going to be embarrassing and pathetic whether she's happy or sad about the match, so she sends Darsizzle to Qdoba for the afternoon. Indeed, Mrs. Bennet hears the news, throws an entire basket of muffins into the air, looks straight into the camera, and flashes her bosom triumphantly as muffin tops rain down like, erm, brown, muffiny rain. Finally, she turns to Lizzy, slaps her in the face, hugs her, and congratulates her on picking such a rich, rich man.

Teen Novel Rule #46: When a plotline (or joke!) is repeated, it should become progressively more difficult (/funny).

Austen wins here, too. Lizzy has a hard time breaking the news to her dead possum sister, which is nothing compared to her parents. Though we know the book is finished, Austen arranges a mini uphill battle for Lizzy here. Will she be all, ya know, Sisyphus-ian and fall back down right when she gets to the top?!

Well, no. I already told you what happened. The point is, you always have to up the ante, otherwise everything is stupid.

Lizzy does get to the top—she's got her man, and her family is supportive—but then Mrs. B. says she's happy for Jane and Lizzy, but Mr. Wickham is her favorite of the husbands.

Money-hungry Dickham?! Bahahaha! Irony wears British knickers, and I'm saucing over every minute of it. Oh Jane Austen, you really know how to end a Chapter 17, Volume of the Third.

You know in movies when the skinny princess and the man who is not bald ride off into the sunset? And you wonder, "What are they talking about?" Well, that's basically Chapter 18. Lizzy's like, "You do know I'm a vegetarian, right?" And Darcy's all, "Oh my god, I keep feeding you lamb chops in the night!"

And then Lizzy does the dumbest thing in the whole entire book. She asks Darcy: "How long would it have taken you to propose to me if I hadn't, you know, scooted you along?"

LADY LIFE RULE #1: NEVER ASK THAT QUESTION.

Guess what the answer is. The answer is, ALWAYS, "I would have just played video games forever. Also, there may or may not be dried vomit in your hair."

Maybe this is Jane Austen's way of showing that the pair can weather any storm because when Darcy tells Lizzy that he would have played World of Warcraft until his fingers fell off, she's like, "Oh yah, I guessed that, Snugglepuss."

Next, Mr. Bennet writes a letter to Collins saying that Lizzy and Darcy are engaged. We also learn that when Lady Catherine heard the news, she threw rotten eggs at Pemberley and wrote "LIZZY THE LIZZARD IS A SKANKTIMONIOUS SO AND SO" in the blood of a chicken on the driveway. This was all cleaned up by the housekeeper before Darcy and Lizzy ever saw it, so the joke's on L Cat. I love watching crazy old people lose their shitakes.

The final chapter is like that part of the movie when everything gets freeze framed and words appear at the bottom of the screen. "Bruce went on to wrestle pregnant monkeys until something really bad happened. He now sells insurance in Dallas."

Well, Lydia goes on to wrestle Wickham (if you know what I mean), but then they fall out of love. They move around a lot since no one likes them, and always beg Lizzy for money. Jane and Lizzy live within 30 miles of each other, which is only a 16 day journey in a carriage made of rusty iron and other old-timey whatnots. Lady Catherine losses her marbles, chases them down the street, and gets hit by a school bus. Georgiana lives at Pemberley with Lizzy and Darcy, which isn't creepy at all. Lizzy and Georgiana become besties, and Lizzy teaches Lil G how to apply liquid eyeliner and be mean to boys. Lady Catherine's fragile daughter Leopold takes an experimental new drug that turns her into a cactus so she can live forever. Kitty hangs out with Lizzy and Jane and becomes less of a dingleberry, and Mary even climbs out of her shell long enough to look a man in the face without sobbing.

And everyone lives happily-ish ever after.

But NO ONE is as happy as Lizzy.

THE END.

So how did Jane Austentatious doooewwwww on her teen novel?!? Let's see here...

WINS: 36

LOSSES (two losses occurred twice): 12

But wait! I have changeth my mind grapes on Rule 9: "Most beautiful" and "too nice" are two qualities that no one girl should ever have. You know what? I love Jane Bennet. So fine: You CAN be prettiest and too nice, but you can't be prettiest and wittiest, unless you're in a Dr. Suess novella. Fair?

New Score:

WINS: 37

LOSSES: 11

Final Grade: *drum roll on desk—Chelsea's head is crash symbol* Jane Austen's Pride & Prejudice is 77% teen novel, and 23% percent old and shmoldy.*crash!*

*small voice* And 100% worth reading. (Fo realz y'all, I did likes it.) Now, farewell.

And remember, I never promised you potato salad.

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What's next for me? Romance, chaos, eating fire, and burping gasoline. Trampolines, cramps and things, big pictures, and ancient scriptures. Third person cornflakes with pirates and fruitcakes. Teens, and queens, and everything in betweens. Okay fine, I'm writing fiction (I think)! It's going to be called DEAR ALBERT (I think)! Chelsea helped me with the title. Stay tuned...

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