Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 33
Chapter Thirty-Three: Forgery
Better Title: The Case of the Stupid Mystery
Who is J. Jenks? Why did Alice secretly instruct Bella to visit Jenks? What is Alice's big plan? And when we're all living in outer space, will horses still serve a purpose? Some of these questions are answered in this Nancy Drew-ish chapter.
I actually liked Good ol' Chapter 33. It's different than the rest of the book; baby dating and condoned homicide are only hinted at instead of written about explicitly. It starts off with Bella and Jacob taking Optimus to see Charlie. Because the Cullen house is filled with vampires, it's not safe for Charlie to visit his granddaughter, so Bella offers to drive the Wonder Child to him instead. Jacob tags along, because his relationship with Optimus is healthy and suffocating.
You might be wondering why Bella, Jacob, and Optimus would venture outside on their own, knowing that the Volturi could strike at any time and would easily destroy them. That's because you're smart. I'm proud of you. Good job! I'm giving you 60 Dan Points and a blue star. (I used all the gold stars to decorate my teeth.) But I don't have an answer for your question. Let's say they're not worried about the Volturi because of…a magic piano. Cool? Cool.
Besides, the Volturi are no doubt traveling to America via helium balloon bundles, and won't arrive until Spring 2013.
When riding in a car with a three-month-old child, even one who grows at an alarming rate and will one day grow up to be God II, you may want to use a child safety seat. I know. I know. Optimus is an immortal being made of pure sunshine and custard. But if you're trying to blend in with society, a safety seat is a step in the right direction. Instead, Optimus sits on Jacob's lap.
So…um. Yeah. You're thinking it. I'm thinking it. We're all thinking it, but let's not actually use words to express our feelings regarding Optimus' "safety seat," and let's be mature and professional about all things regarding Jacob's lap. (Though when I read this part I said, "Eww," so loudly that it shook my teeth and blurred my vision for 17 hours.)
On the way, Bella tells us that Optimus was intrigued by the Romanian vampires, the two guys who once ruled the vampire kingdom before being overthrown by the Volturi. These old dudes have a skin unlike the other vampires, and Optimus is the only Cullen brave enough to ask, "Hey you, what's up with your skin?" Only she uses different words. I wouldn't dare type the words here, because the speech of Optimus is so powerful and beautiful that our mortal minds cannot comprehend the sounds and language. Like a squirrel's inability to understand a poem, so too are we unable to process the language of Optimus Beyonce. Praise onto her.
The Romanians told Optimus that back when they were in charge, they sat around all day, every day. Sitting on their thrones for year after year caused their bodies to nearly petrify and the result is an odd, craggy appearance. When the Volturi burned down the Romanian castle, these two vampires were able to rise out of the thrones and escape, but the other Romanian vamps were not so lucky, because they had been turned to stone due to their sloth. Now the last surviving Romanian vampires want revenge.
How cool is that?! Old vampires turning into stone, and now seek revenge against the Volturi! That's great! Why isn't there more vampire lore in this book? I'd much rather read about the old vampire wars than witness Bella contemplate the meaning of a wind.
Before they arrive at Charlie's house, Bella tells Jacob that she needs to run an errand while he's having lunch with Charlie and Sue Clearwater. Are Charlie and Sue having special hugs? Sue's husband died and Charlie is a sad lonely man, so it makes sense. Way to go, Charlie! Maybe if you have another kid, you could sell its tasty blood to Edward for, like, a billion dollars.
After a short visit with her dad, Bella leaves Optimus and Jacob so she can track down J. Jenks. The address she found online leads to a rough neighborhood. We know it's rough because Bella tells us it has not only a tattoo parlor, but also a bar. Bella, run! You're not in a town. You're in the depths of hell itself!
The address is for an abandoned building. Feeling defeated, Bella isn't sure what to do next, but then she notices a well-dressed man sitting and whistling outside the building. She rolls down the window and chats with the mystery man. Long story short, the mystery man works for J. Jenks, and he gives Bella the address to a law office in a strip mall where she can find the elusive Jenks. On the way, Bella brags about her driving ability. BTW: I wrote, "And I don't care," after each and every sentence in this book.
Bella finds the office and finally meets Jenks face to face. And the mystery is revealed! J. Jenks is really Mike Newton, who has been working with the Volturi all along! And the Death Star is fully operational! It's a trap!
Kidding. Jenks is a lawyer who makes fake legal documents for vampires. [yawn]
I would say this is a letdown, but I've set my expectations to the point that if Jenks were a plate of moldy bread, I would be happy. Vampires need forged documents, so it makes sense that they have a slimy lawyer in their lists of contacts. Though I wonder why none of the vampires decided to become a lawyer to cut out the middleman and make the documents themselves without running the risk of exposure.
Carlisle couldn't do it because he's a busy doctor, and Esme, Jasper, Alice, and Rosalie couldn't do it because they're busy playing online Uno all day. Emmett couldn't do it because he's busy hurting the guilty. Edward couldn't do it because he spent a century of his life in high school. Time well spent. If the Cullens ever need to know the Pythagorean theorem or how to cite a magazine article, they can turn to super-smart Edward. High school has trained him for the real world.
Jenks can provide all manner of identification, from passports to birth certificates to Emmett's "Hunt Sharks With Fists" license. The lawyer does his business with the Cullens through Jasper. He's never met the rest of the vampires, but seems to be afraid and nervous. Afraid of Jasper? Really? Who would be afraid of Mr. Sideways?
Jenks asks what Bella needs, and at first Bella isn't sure. Alice never explained what to do once Bella found Jenks; she just told her to seek him out. Using huge leaps of logic, Bella figures that Alice wanted her to find Jenks and get Optimus a fake I.D. so that if the Volturi attacked, Optimus could run away and roam the country under an assumed name.
Letting a baby wander the globe on her own is silly, so Bella thinks it would be wise to also make a fake I.D. for Jacob so that he could raise Optimus and keep her safe if Bella and Edward are (hopefully) killed. Hmm. Allowing your baby to be raised by her 17-year-old boyfriend might seem like a good idea on paper, but I'm not sure it would work out so well in real life.
All the arrangements are made for Bella to pick up the paperwork next week. Before leaving, Jenks acts peculiar, possibly because he's worried that Bella will move sideways. Bella asks what's wrong, but Jenks says everything is fine. Then Bella misses her husband and drives away.
Meanwhile, the Volturi are slowly traveling across America in a conga line. They should be here any month now.
Murmurs: 0 (Book total: 82)
Mutters: 3 (Book total: 50)
In the next chapter we catch up with Alice and Jasper
ALICE: I sure hope my plan works.
JASPER: [Sitting on the floor, making a drawing using markers, glitter, and pipe-cleaners] Explain it to me again. And did you use up all my purple glitter?
ALICE: I used none of your glitter. This is the plan: I send Bella to see Jenks. Bella will realize that her baby needs a fake passport. This will keep the baby safe.
JASPER: But what if Bella doesn't understand? Your plan relies heavily on coincidence.
ALICE: Of course Bella will understand. She's smart. She's read Wuthering Heights a lot.
JASPER: Maybe you should have told her exactly what to do in your top secret note.
ALICE: But I'm a sneaky girl. (giggle)
JASPER: OK. But why didn't I just get the fake documents, like, a week ago? It's not like I was busy.
ALICE: Because I'm a sneaky girl. (giggle)
JASPER: Got it. But isn't it risky to send Bella on a mission by herself when the Volturi will strike at any moment?
ALICE: I can see the future, you turd. If Bella decided to be attacked by the Volturi, then I would know it.
JASPER: I'm not sure I follow that logic.
ALICE: I'm not sure I follow your FACE!
JASPER: Well, I just made a decision. I decided that you're a skanky bee-yotch. Can you see that future?
ALICE: Oh, I've seen that future...and this is what happens! [Alice rips up Jasper's art project]
JASPER: Hey! I was making that for Mom! It was going to be her Valentine!
ALICE: Stop crying. You can make another one.
JASPER: Nuh-uh! Not with purple glitter. We're all out of purple! I hate you! I hate you! I want to go home! My feet hurt and I'm missing all my shows!
ALICE: Shut up, Jasper. We can find you something else to give Mom for Valentine's Day.
QUIL: Hey guys. Couldn't help but overhear. Let me give you a word of warning about Valentine gifts. If you ask to see the Toddler's section at Victoria's Secret, the clerks will be less than helpful.
Revisit the Archives of Hilarity here!