The Woes of a Facebook Account

By Contributor

February 1, 2011

Mark Zuckerburg might not like you, BingoTheAwesome, but we think you're a GENIUS.—Sparkitors

Facebook: the website so popular, they made a movie about it, with the guy from Adventureland (and we thought his career wouldn't take off! Psh!). Basically, Facebook is the place to be. The jetpack to the werewolf. The penguin to the other penguin. The Ron to Hermione. The rocketship to Pigfarts. So, clearly, there can't be anything wrong with it, right? Right? Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight?

Wrong. And I'll tell you why.

1. Poking. Poking seems fun in theory ("Poke wars! Zomg, fbook is so kewl! YOU CAN POKE PEOPLE!"), but in practice, it's irritating. First, you click "poke." And you wait. Then a pop-up demands that you confirm this poke. You click "OK." Then you wait. Finally, the pop-up disappears, only to be replaced by another pop-up, thusly informing you that you have poked so-and-so.WHAT THE IUBJHSADV?! It's a poke, people! It's not bleeding World War III!

With all this hassle, it'd be easier to poke your pal in real life. And, God knows, it's more satisfying. So next time you feel the urge to poke, don't do it on Facebook. Go up to someone and shriek, "POKE!" then poke them. Hard.

2. FEAR. You know when you hear those terrifying stories about identity theft and cyber bullying, and you resolve to become safer on the internet? Well, Facebook doesn't want you to. In fact, they want to prevent you from doing this so badly that they hide your more important privacy settings in well-disguised links, so it takes a conscious effort to find them. On top of this, Facebook has apparently done away with the "Delete Account" button. Facebook doesn't want you deleting your account. How dare you even think of such a thing?! You can only deactivate your sacred account, because everyone knows you'll be back.

Worst of all: other websites seem to be able to magically connect to your Facebook account. It's like the internet is stalking you. You'll get it when you're on some random site tracking Miley Cyrus and all of a sudden, the site addresses you by first and last name, and also informs you some of your friends might like this too. And refers to them by first and last name as well. IT'S ALL INTERCONNECTED. LIKE A WEB. AN INTERWEB.

3. Those annoying girls. You know the ones I'm talking about. They take pictures in front of the bathroom mirror with the flash on and post things like, "Mwah! ilyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" even though you know quite well they hate your guts and would rather kill you with a kitchen knife than a gun so they can see the pain in your eyes while you go. Those girls. Which brings me to:

4. The overuse of less than three. It's bad when girls use it, but it's even worse when guys use it, and now it's choking up your newsfeed and smothering all the news. Someday, it will be impossible to create a post without adding "<3" to the end of it.

Example of worst offense (on an unremarkable profile picture):
-U look gorjussssssss x I luv ittttttttttt <3 <3 <3 <3
-It loves you backkkkkkk!!! <3 <3 & I love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Although, to be fair, it would be worse if everyone on Facebook was mean rather than sickeningly sweet.

5. The online persona. People get a personality transplant online. We all know that. But how does the geek who sits next to you in Math get one thousand friends? How come the popular girl is such a n00b? Why are people such hypocrites? (look at me, for instance. I've used <3 at least a hundred times today) On Facebook, this is amplified x10. It's like you barely recognize people anymore. There's the person you know...and then there's their Facebook account.

6. The drama. "DID YOU SEE WHAT WAS ON FACEBOOK YESTERDAY?!"...this is what gossip has been reduced to. From the grapevine to the walls. The sad part isn't the fight itself, usually. It's just that, normally, when people fight in real life, you don't get six billion notifications.

7. The procrastination. Let's face it, as teenagers, we're all kings and queens of Procrasti Nation. But Facebook is the Emperor of ProcrastinEmpire. One status morphs into one album morphs into one more stalked profil —and next thing you know, you're looking at people in Asia who have 1 Mutual Friend with your mom and before you know it, your exam is in three hours and your life is collapsing in around you.

In conclusion, all of the above justifies my deactivation of my Facebook account. And I'm only deactivating it because I still can't find the cleverly disguised delete button. I WILL FIND IT SOME DAY, THOUGH. Mark my words.

We hope you do, Bingo, though we'll miss you on the interwebz. How do you feel about Facebook?