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Flyergirl13 Tells You How—To Influence the Weather

Flyergirl13 Tells You How—To Influence the Weather

We didn't realize that flyergirl was a member of the X-Men, but looking back, it totally makes sense.—Sparkitors

During winter, there is a force at work that controls everything. No, I'm not talking about The Force, though I agree that it is rather important. The force to which I am referring, the one with the power to shut down your school district and cripple your car, is, quite simply, The Weather.
Fortunately, there are several ways you can harness The Weather's power and use it for your own evil motives, and I'm about to share them with you. You can use these methods to get a snow day, prevent a snow day, have an icicle fall on your teacher's car...whatever. I am entrusting this knowledge to you and you alone. Use it well. May The Weather be with you.

Step One: Refer to The Weather with the Utmost Respect. That's right. Capitalize it. Respect The Weather, and it might answer your prayers for a freak blizzard during your history finals.

DO: Be nice. If it doesn't do what you want the first time, keep trying. Controlling The Weather is like riding a bull: it might hate you at first, but if you keep at it, it might relent, especially if you treat it with deference. Or it might gore you with its horns. Maybe that was a bad analogy.

DON'T: Insult The Weather. It won't like it, and the consequences will be dire.

Step Two: Weather Dances. You know those ancient rituals where they would dance around so that it would rain and their crops would grow? Those people were onto something. The best way to get The Weather to do what you want is to ask, politely, through the medium of a Weather Dance.

DO: Get as many people to join you as possible. The more people who dance, the more likely it is that The Weather will hear your requests. I suggest starting a dance in the hallway at school during passing time.

DON'T: Carelessly improvise your dance. You need to be careful and meticulous when executing your moves, or you'll try to ask for snow but end up demanding that it rain plague-infested frogs. Remember when all those birds fell out of the sky on New Year's? Yep, that was the sad result of an incorrect Weather Dance.

Step Three: Build A Weather Machine. This is essential. Once you have perfected the art of asking for certain Weather, you need to practice the art of forcing it to do what you want. Remember, do this politely, otherwise you'll break the ground rules we set in Step One.

DO: Assemble your machine from any and every Weather-related object you can find. This includes thermometers, snow globes, rain sticks, sundials, and that chunk of the moon in the back of your closet. Put it all together with double-sided tape and stripped wires. Try not to electrocute yourself.

DON'T: Tell people that you need this stuff. Your machine will only work if created in secrecy. If your mom gets curious, tell her that you've developed a sudden interest in time travel.

Step Four: Dominate the World. Now that you have machine that can control The Weather, you are on your way to world domination. It's easy: simply send blizzards to anyone who defies you. Or just quietly use it to control your school's snow days. Whatever floats your boat. Just don't sink your boat by accidentally calling up a tsunami.

DO: Be an entrepaneur. See how much money you can get by charging people to put in a weather request.

DON'T: Let it all go to your head. Otherwise, The Weather might decide it doesn't want you to control it anymore, and send a storm directly over your house, with hail chunks the size of SmartCars.

We've got 19 thermometers and a bird bath all tied together with rope. Anyone need to borrow a Weather Machine?

Related post: Flyergirl Tells You How

Topics: Life
Tags: guides, high school, weather, snow days, ridiculous things, funny things, how to, flyergirl tells you how

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About the Author
Chelsea Dagger

Since 2010, Chelsea Dagger (known in real life as Chelsea Aaron) has been SparkLife's sweatiest editor. She's currently working on a how-to-kiss guide for teens, and when she's not conducting smooch-related research on her life-size Joseph Gordon-Levitt cardboard cutout, she's eating pancakes, stocking up on industrial-strength deodorant, and destroying everyone at Harry Potter trivia. (EXPECTO PATRONUM!)

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