Although countless well-meaning dude friends and several annoyed boyfriends have tried to take me to impromptu NFL School, I've never managed to absorb football's many rules. When I look at a game, I see a bunch of enormous guys sometimes running and mostly jumping on each other and falling down. I also see hilarious commercials.
Because of this iNFLeptitude, I've had to develop my own special, scientific method for picking a Superbowl team to root for. Ladies and gentlemen, I now present:
HOW TO SCIENTIFICALLY PICK A SUPERBOWL TEAM
This year's candidates: Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Green Bay Packers
Chromatology: The science of color can be a huge determining factor, especially when it comes to team uniforms. (I almost called them "outfits." Sorry.) In this case, the Steelers, whose uniforms are mostly black, will definitely lose. Why? Because black is the absence of color, which means that they can't exist, so they obviously can't win. At the same time, the Packers' uniforms are predominantly green, and everybody knows that plants, which are green, make people feel happy. Kermit the Frog is also green, and he makes me feel like sunshine.
Result: Green Bay FTW.
Odor: Smell can evoke strong memories and tell us the difference between "Yum, lunch!" and "Ew. Salmonella." Since it's such a powerful sense, I try to incorporate it into my decision-making—specifically, by imagining which head coach smells better. In this case, Steelers Head Coach Mike Tomlin looks like he smells like Cool Water and confidence, while Packers Head Coach Mike McCarthy looks like he smells like bratwurst farts.
Result: Pittsburgh FTW.
Phrenology: This ancient science maintains that you can learn everything you need to know about someone's personality and mentality by feeling the bumps on his head. Normally, I would pick the biggest Steelers and Packers fan in the room and cross-compare their cranial lumps, but since it's just me and the pets right now, I'll make do. For argument's sake, let's say the dog* is a Pittsburgh fan, and the cat's* all about Green Bay.
The cat's head doesn't really have any lumps, making him totally inscrutable and possibly a psychopath, which would actually kind of fit. On the other hand, the dog's got a huge bump right around the "Self-Esteem/Firmness" mark. (She's also got some weird ridges right around the "Memory" mark, which I will assume is the reason she seems to forget almost everything, including that whole rule about not kissing me me after she's had a 15-minute water slurping session.)
Result: Pittsburgh FTW.
Throw the bones: I've only recently adopted this scientific method, but unfortunately, I don't have any actual bones to throw. (The ones I'd collected had an unsavory "dear lord what IS that smell" stink. After a bit more research, it seems that you're supposed to wash and bleach the bones you use—not just save the leftovers from "wings night.") Since I'm in a bone-free household, I'll use a handful of candy instead. Represented in the mix are:
-three Hershey's Kisses,
-three Dove Peppermint Bark pieces,
-three red M&Ms,
-two Ferrero Rochers,
-three white jellybeans, and
-three pieces of candy corn.
After sitting on the floor, I took the sacred candies in my hands and shook them while quietly muttering "Packers or Steelers" with my eyes closed. When I felt sufficiently creepy, I tossed the candies up in the air and accidentally hit myself in the eye with a jellybean. (An injury, or a metaphor for my former blindness to this age-old science? But I digress...)
Ultimately, most of the candy scattered, but I wound up with the Ferrero Rochers in front of me, and clustered next to them were the Dove bars. Since peppermint bark is cold like metal, and Ferrero Rocher is Italian (and Pittsburgh punter Jeremy Kapinos is Greek, and both Italians and Greeks sometimes like to eat big family meals), I think we have our decision.
Result: Pittsburgh FTW.
There you go, folks. Steelers are going to cruise to victory, and we know this because of irrefutable SCIENCE. Thanks, Einstein, Aristotle, Tesla and The Psychic Friends Network for blazing the path.
*Not actual pictures of the pets, but they're pretty close.
Who's your pick to win the Superbowl?
Related post: Football Terms, and How Not to Use Them
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