Terrible Ways To Ask Someone To Be Your Valentine
There are tons of great ways to ask someone to be your Valentine. Foremost among them is actually asking the person, with minimal trickery, and without assuming you need to play a guitar or break a bunch of laws. As long as you can say words with your mouth, you can already do this. Avoid the following terrible approaches.
1.) Awful Poetry
Rationalization: "Hmm... Girls like poetry. Girls like Valentine's Day. WAIT A MINUTE. What if I ask this girl to be my Valentine... with poetry?? GUARANTEED HOOKUPS, that's what. Ahem:
I like how you make me feel
Much more than I like eels.
We should go out, for reals.
Let's hook up."
Actual Result: "Welp, I never thought I'd use 'impossibly bad at poetry' as a reason not to date someone, but here we are."
2.) Extremely Expensive Gifts
Rationalization: "My boyfriend will love this solid gold bar with 'Will You Be My Valentine?' etched into it!"
Actual Result: "AUGH, COMMITMENT?? I'm out."
Rationalization: "I can't actually ask this person to be my Valentine! That would be crazy! Instead, I'll send a secretive, unsigned card, loaded with cryptic hints that it's from me, and then I'll bide my time, constantly steering our future conversations toward Valentine's Day until finally, dramatically, my identity is revealed, and this will be better than just signing my card in the first place because um..."
Actual Result: You succeed in making your Valentine confused. (Alternatively, your Valentine assumes the message is from your best friend. They get married the next day and have like a million babies.)
4.) Elaborate Scavenger Hunts
Rationalization: "...And the trail of rose petals will lead down her hallway to Clue #8, for which she will need a sextant and some pretty good navigatory skills..."
Actual Result: "Hello, police? I guess someone broke into my house and killed a bunch of flowers. I think it was The Riddler."
5.) Doing Absolutely Nothing
Rationalization: "I can't ask her because she might say no, and then everything will be ruined, for the rest of my life. But I smiled at her in the hall the other day, and that means we are in love!"
Actual Result: There is literally one day out of the year when people expect this kind of thing, and you're missing it. This is like always wishing you could wear a costume, but skipping Halloween because you don't want to look silly. Everyone else already looks like a vampire or elf. Just go for it already.
6.) Candy Hearts
The moment clueless candy manufacturers stumbled upon phone shorthand and the internet, this idea was rendered even more useless than it already was.
What's the worst way YOU could possibly be asked to be someone's Valentine?
Related Post: Valentines From Auntie SparkNotes