Blogging Pride and Prejudice as if it Were a Teen Novel: Part 16

Volume of the Third, Chapters 13-16

In Chapter 13, Charles Von Bingleberry pulls some broccoli raab out of his teeth just in time to ask JaneWOW to marry him. But we don't get to read about it, since Jane Austen—for some reason—makes this magic moment happen behind closed doors. We can only guess how the proposal went down:

Bingley: Is there a trash can in here?

Jane: I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't talk about my sister that way.

Bingley: No I meant... nevermind. *stuffs bit of broccoli raab into pocket* Say, Jane, howsabout we buy a townhouse in the suburbs, and uh, hang each other's art.*looks at ceiling in attempt to raise eyebrow*

Jane: Excuse me?

Bingley: *pulls ring from his pocket* JaneWOW Bennet, I've admired you since the day you had a nip slip at the iPads for Orphans Charity Ball. Will you be my wife?

Jane: This ring has spinach on it.

Bingley: Broccoli raab, actually. So, that's a yes?

Teen Novel Rule #43: Don't gloss over the main event!

This is like mac and cheese with no cheese! Like mock duck with no duck! Like chicken a la king with no king! Sorry Austentatious, but you shouldn't trust a crusty blogger to finish your novel for you. You shoulda written the proposal scene out your-flim-flammin'-self, you insane dead woman!

Anyway, that's Chapter 13. Lizzy learns of the engagement when we do—when Jane announces it after it happens. JaneWOW says despite the engagement, she'll never trust Bingley's sisters after the night they wrote on her face in permanent marker when she was passed out with the Bubonic Plague. Or something. Anyway, this skepticism about the Bingley girls is progress for the much-too-nice JaneWOW. Celebratory butt pats all around.

Teen Novel Rule #44: Tie up loose ends.

The JaneWOW and Bingley dumb-mance (like romance, but dumb. Clever, right?) was a loose end. I don't like how she did it, but at least Austenflavious remembered to finish their story line before tossing aside her Mac Book Pro and declaring, "I'm done!"

Chapter 14, in deep, cavernous contrast to Chapter 13, explodes with pushup bras full of synthetic microfibers and win. Lady Catherine shows up at the Bennet house, asks Lizzy out for a walk, and then demands that Lizzy promise to turn down Darcy's marriage proposal.

Darcy's WHATBUTTONS?!

Lizzy's shocked to learn that Lady Catherine believes Darcy's going to pop the punctuation mark, but Lady Catherine refuses to believe little Lizzy's so naive. Lizzy plays it super cool, and promises Lady Catherine only ONE thing: A year's subscription to the NOTHING OF THE MONTH CLUB.

Bam! Revenge feels so sweet, so right, so much like the bare, round buttocks of—wait, why did Lady Catherine think Darcy had proposed?

This question plagues Frizzy Lizzy, and in Chapter 15, Mr. Bennet gets a letter from good old Mr. Collins. In the letter, Collins asks Mr. Bennet—on behalf of Lady Catherine—to break off the torrid smushing affair between Lizzy and Darcy.

"LOL PANTS FOREVER," Mr. Bennet cries, and calls Lizzy into his study.

"Why would Collins say such a thing?" Mr. Bennet asks Lizzy. "Duh on a twisty stick, everyone knows that Darcy hates you, and you hate him, too. Man, Darcy hates the way you walk, the way you talk, the way you wiggle your hips to Lil Wayne—he hates it all! Why would Collins send me a letter with such a preposterous idea?"

Lizzy shrugs seventeen times and cries alone in her closet until Vampire Diaries is on. Well not really, but her confidence wavers, ya know? She begins to think that if Darcy's supposed marriage crush is legit, Lady Catherine's influence over her nephew will certainly squash it. Darcy will marry his frail cousin Leopold or whatever, and Lizzy Bennet will spend 316 years writing a Never Been Kissed column for SparkLife that receives even fewer comments than this post. The future does not look bright.

But then!

Santa comes, and dumps Darcy out of his giant sack. Darcy climbs to his feet, straightens his tie, shaves off his mustache, and goes for a stroll with Lizzy, Kitty, JaneWOW, and Binglepudding. He and Lizzy exchange mischievious samari swords and decide to hang back to have a private chat. Lizzy thanks Darcy for paying his enemy to marry her dumb sister Lester. Darcy admits to Lizzy that he had been prideful, and she showed him how to be humble. He also says he's aware that Lady Catherine tried to scare Lizzy into never speaking to Darcy again, and he's embarrassed about that.

And then Jane Austen does it again.

Darcy and Lizzy declare their undying love for one another, but Austenstinklebottoms doesn't show us the dialogue. She does, however, give us like three pages of mushy dialogue after their declaration of love. Then she gives us every detail of their flirty, puke-worthy game, Guess What Color My Burlap Underpants Are. But she glosses over the big love talk in a mere paragraph! Did I miss something? Am I am imbecile?

And another question: Are Darcy and Lizzy engaged, or just engorged with, like, lust? Engaged? Engorged? Engaged? Engorged?

Does anybody hear me? Does anybody know?

Jane Austen Scorecard: Wins, 34; Losses, 12 (two losses today—rule 43 was broken twice—sorry, Austenheads!); Undecideds, 0

For the complete set of teen novel rules, click here!