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Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 32

Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 32

Chapter Thirty-Two: Company
Better Title: It's OK to Kill People You Don't Know

I need to vent. I need to let this out. Once it's done, I will put Breaking Dawn down and walk away from the world of vampires for a week. I may drink a cup of ginger tea and watch The Dark Knight and Jaws at the same time. After this chapter, I think I deserve that little bit of heaven.

It's not that this chapter is any worse than the others. There's nothing here we haven't seen before. But the book is taking its toll on my mind. All the awful little things are adding up in my head, like drops of acid rain in a bucket. If I don't empty this bucket, I will die.

I apologize in advance for the anger you are about to witness. If your computer has a text-to-speech function, you should turn your volume down. It's gonna get loud. Even if your computer is politely silent, you may want to step back from the screen. The words will be strong. Some of them may not even be words at all. I may need numbers to express my level of frustration. When numbers fail me, I will use colors. When colors fail me, I will use ampersands.

You have been warned.

78& Purple! 88 &&&&&&&

Of all the books in the world, how the hell can this one sell billions of copies? Who is reading this novel? Who is reading this specific arrangement of letters and spaces? Who? I want names. I want the names of every person who has ever read this book, and I want to go to their homes and ask them, "Why?" That's all. I will simply ask why and walk away. I don't expect an answer. I won't get an answer. There is no answer.

This book is bad. It's so very, very bad. It's about horrible people doing horrible things. It's about baby dating. It's about depressed old men who fall in love with depressed high school girls. It's not about romance. It's not about adventure. It's not about growing up or finding your place in the world. It's about sadders.

What's a sadder? Everyone in this book is a sadder. If a hiker is one who hikes, and a baker is one who bakes, than a sadder is one who sads. This is a sad bad book. I hate it. I hate every page of it. I hate that it makes me hate it.

Orange 3233 &&& Silver!!

In this chapter, Bella thinks it's OK to kill people. Yep. You read that right. She doesn't mind murder, as long as it means keeping her stupid baby safe and the murder is 5 miles away.

A bunch of new vampires show up at the Cullen house to help fight off the Volturi, and most of these new good guys drink human blood. Bella and Edward allow this because the good guy vampires will do the killing in another town. Bella has one sentence to say about this. Just one. She spends entire chapters discussing the beauty and significance of magnets, but when it comes to murder, she's the queen of brevity, simply saying:

"The compromise made me very uncomfortable, though I tried to tell myself that they'd all be hunting somewhere in the world, regardless."

I'm so sorry that this makes you feel uncomfortable, Bella.

Is she describing her thoughts on murder, or the way it feels when her sock bunches up in her shoe?

Hey Bella, do you know what else feels uncomfortable? Telling your son that mommy isn't coming home for dinner because she was murdered by "nice" vampires. Yep…I bet that feels pretty uncomfortable, too.

Not only is Bella OK with these vampires killing innocent people, one of whom was probably a grandma on her way to the mall to pick out a new purse that's she been saving all year to buy, but Edward lets these vampires use his car to do their killing. Do vampires need cars? And Eddie, while you're lending cars, why not give these killers a map to the orphanage and some murder hammers while you're at it? Whatever. I still can't believe Edward and Bella, the heroes of this book, think murder is neat.

Some may say, "Dan, there's nothing Bella can do!"

And I say, "Eat my sweaty hat, you fool." Bella never needed to be a vampire. She could have told the world that vampires existed and saved thousands of lives. The Cullens would probably be killed, but they've lived long lives. I wouldn't shed a tear if Esme didn't get to see her 100th birthday, and though Carlisle is a doctor, the world has plenty of doctors. Emmett is pretty cool, but he could stay with me in my room.

So don't tell me that Bella must let this happen. She doesn't. She's only going along with it because she's in too deep and is too weak-minded to help humans. She made a foolish decision to get involved with murderers, and I have no sympathy for her or her dumb silly baby. People are dying! She is letting people die just to save the life of her goofy baby, and I'll bet my eyes that Optimus is some sort of Forever Being who can't die, so this whole thing is pointless.

But let's forgive Bella's hatred for humanity. Let's examine this ultimate plan. The good vampires arrive, some from Europe, others from the Amazon, etc. It's not explained how they get to Forks, but let's say they took a plane. Within a few weeks or so, the good-guy army is assembled. It's war time!

These new vampires are so diverse and unique, with names such as:

Tanya
Senna
Tia
Zafrina
Tuba
Scuba
Algebra
Erotica
Cholera
Paprika
And so on…

Hey Miss Meyer, you do know that not all names need to end with an A, right? Whoever told you that was probably just messing with you.

At least these new vampires all have deep personalities and are fully-realized characters. For instance, Zafrina comes from the Amazon, so she "has a long face" and Tia has hair. Wow. I can't tell if I'm reading a work of fiction or looking through a window. Everything is so real. (Sarcasm body.)

Anyway, the vampires prepare for war. Neat, right? The stage is set. The good guys are ready for battle. Tension hangs in the air like fat hummingbird. How exciting! Except for one little problem.

Where! The! Hell! Are! The! Volturi!

Weeks fly by! Word is spreading throughout the world that all the nice vampires are meeting at the Cullen house. The Volturi would know something is up. They closely watch the world of vampires. They have spies and trackers to search for any and all vampire news. Bella tells us that the Cullen Congregation is the biggest group of vampires ever assembled outside of Italy. And yet the Volturi are still taking their sweet time?

Zafrina came from the Amazon. She showed up in, like, two days. The Amazon! Do you know how difficult it is to get a flight out of the Amazon? It's much harder than getting a flight out of Italy, I assure you.

Are the Volturi crawling to America? Maybe they're digging a hole through Italy to get here. Was their flight delayed for 720 hours? Did they get hung up at Sea World? That could kill a few days, trust me. Perhaps they took a side trip to Pluto.

The good-guy vampires hang out in the house all day, and kill innocent people at night. They don't seem to care about Jacob, which is so convenient that I'm surprised Miss Meyer didn't write, "Oh, by the way, werewolves and vampires are no longer mortal enemies because of this magic candy bar that Embry ate."

When not dating babies, Jacob sits in the back of the room, minding his own business and allowing dozens of people to die in Seattle. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

During this time, while the Volturi are no doubt traveling to America on tricycles and Segways, Bella wants to learn how to fight. Edward tries to show her a few moves, but stops and says he can't teach her because he's a sadder. That's right, folks. Once again, Edward won't teach Bella how to defend herself. He'd rather she get mutilated by monsters than have to pretend-box his lover. Awww…how sensitive. Edward is a wonderful man. (Sarcasm hammer.)

Edward, I'm sending you a box filled with fun things that are nice. When it arrives, open it up blindly, making sure your face is directly over the top of the box. If you smell boxing glove leather and a tightly wound spring mechanism, don't worry about it. Just place your lovely face over the box, and open. Just do it. DO IT!

Bella tries to get fighting lessons from Emmett, but he's far too awesome to really help her out and instead beats her up for the fun of it. Emmett, I'm sending you a box filled with fun things that are nice, including poems I wrote about this other guy I know named Emmett Cullen. It's not about you, though. Honest.

The other vampires teach Bella how to fight, while Edward is busy digging Bella's grave and the Volturi are busy coming to America in a car driven by a timid student driver who slams on the breaks whenever he goes faster than 14 MPH.

Kate, the vampire who can shock you with mind-powers, teaches Bella how to push her shielding power outward. This takes up about 788 paragraphs as we watch Bella try and try again to protect Edward with her mental shield. It's a lot like listening to a little kid play the first four notes of "Mary Had a Little Lamb" again and again. You just want to shake that kid and yell, "Finish the song, you stupid vampire named Bella Swan!"

Only after Kate pretends to threaten Optimus does Bella learn to push her shield outward. After that, she can do it without much difficulty, and Bella Swan-Cullen becomes 67% more perfect.

There's talk about a missing Amazon vampire, and Alice's master plan, but this chapter pissed me off so much that I'd rather not mention Alice. It ends with two Romanian vampires arriving. One is named Vladimir. I guess this is Dracula, or at least he's supposed to be Dracula-esque. The Romanian vampires were once in charge of all vampires, but they were overthrown by the Volturi, as Marcus no doubt screamed his mighty battle cry, "My neighbor is cheating on his wife…with another man!" Marcus is so very powerful. The Romanians don't care about Optimus. They just want a chance to fight the Volturi. I like them very much.

There's a glimmer of hope that a huge battle will ensue, but I'm guessing the Volturi won't get here for another two months, as they are likely traveling to America in one big marching band parade. Marcus is their fife player.

Sorry for the rant. We're so close to the end, but like eating the world's largest cheeseburger, it's these final few bites that are the toughest to swallow. I'm not sure I can do it.

Murmurs: 3 (Book total: 82)
Mutters: 1 (Book total: 47)

Prediction
Bella entertains her guests.

BELLA: Welcome to the Cullen house. I hope you'll find everything you need.
TIA: Thank you. By the way, I need to kill a few people and drink their blood.
BELLA: No problem. Just don't do it in town, because I have two friends and I don't want them to die.
TIA: Cool.
ZAFRINA: Belly, I need to make a phone call to an evil dictator and give him valuable secrets about America and its defenses. Where's the phone?
BELLA: Here. Use my cell phone. [Hands over the phone]
SENNA: Where do you keep your hack saw? I want to do unspeakable things to kittens.
BELLA: Hmm…I have a rusty butter knife. Will that do?
SENNA: Even better!
GARRETT: Ms. Swan-Cullen, I wonder if I may trouble you for a pack of matches.
BELLA: [Gives him matches] Here ya go. What's it for?
GARRETT: I like to burn hospitals.
BELLA: Oh. The hospital's pretty big. You better take more matches, silly goose.
QUIL: My girlfriend is so…wait. What the hell is going on here? Bella lets people die? She doesn't care? And me and my pack of werewolves don't try to fight these monsters?
CLAIRE: I'm three years old. All I care about in the world are chicken nuggets and Elmo. I believe in the Easter Bunny and mermaids. I am entertained by shiny objects, songs about farming, and the alphabet. And even I think this story is ridiculous. McDonalds!

Dan's best one yet? We think it just might be!

Related posts are in the archives.

Topics: Books
Tags: blogging twilight, blogging breaking dawn

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