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How to Dance: The Illustrated Guide

How to Dance: The Illustrated Guide

Here's one for the No Fun File: earlier this month, a Vermont school was forced to cancel its Winter Ball due to slow ticket sales... which, in turn, was a direct result of the principal telling kids that they couldn't grind at the dance.


We've always been firm believers in the immortal wisdom of Men Without Hats, who long ago told us that we can dance if we want to, and furthermore, that friends who don't dance are certainly no friends of mine. ...Er, ours. Whatever. The point is, it's always a bummer when a whole dance goes down the toilet just because of a little harmless freaking—which, whether adults like it or not, isn't going out of style anytime soon.

There's a long history of horrified codgers getting their underpants bunched up over Those Vulgar Kids and their Newfangled Dancing. (Once upon a time, people used to get similarly upset when youngsters showed their ankles or did The Twist. Shocking!)

But since bans on grinding seem to be coming into vogue, we know you'll need some other dance moves to supplement your repertoire. So get up, stand up, c'mon, throw your hands up... and then try one of these illustrated moves that are sure to get your moneymaker shaking.

The Belligerent Pigeon
Crouch in the center of the dance floor and wander aimlessly in small circles. If someone begins walking in your direction, act like you don't see him and couldn't care less if he steps on you. Amble away at the last possible minute.

The Ahab
Bend your knee and hold your foot behind you to simulate the famous captain's stump-tastic leg. Grunt and turn in a slow circle as though watching the horizon for the white whale. If someone makes fun of you, throw a harpoon at his head.

The Wallflower
Too shy to shake it in public? There's a dance move for that! Lean awkwardly against the wall by the refreshments table with your head down and your hands jammed in your pockets. When a song you like comes on, shake your behind from side to side in increments of no more than three centimeters. Nobody will ever know that you danced.

The I Don't Give a @&#$!
Skip into the center of the dance floor, strike a pose, and then begin waving your hands around in the air in a manner that suggests you simply do not care. Punctuate your dance with whirls, twirls, and high-drama voguing. At the end of each song, proclaim yourself Lord of the Dance.

Grandma at the Mitzvah
A move popularized by feisty but not-terribly-mobile old ladies in attendance at their grandsons' bar mitzvahs, this dance move will bring the house down. How to do it: bend at the waist at a 45-degree angle, hold your arms above your head with your hands in fists, and stick your behind out as far as it can go. When the music gets hot, slowly pump your fists up and down while waving your buttocks back and forth like a loosely-tethered blimp in a high wind.

What's your dancing style?

Related post: How to Kiss: Kat's Illustrated Guide

Topics: Life, Guide to Prom
Tags: prom, guides, dances, dancing, how to, winter formals, grinding

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About the Author

Kat Rosenfield is a writer, illustrator, advice columnist, YA author, and enthusiastic licker of that plastic liner that comes inside a box of Cheez-Its. She loves zombies and cats. She hates zombie cats. Follow her on Twitter or Tumblr @katrosenfield.

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