If you're a diligent hipster, you probably barely use Facebook as it is, except to register your approval of bands so indie that they have yet to play any music. But if you're true to the vague hipster code—or even if you've merely begun to loathe the Facebook hivemind—now's your chance to break free, before you become even more mired in Facebookdom than you already are. Here's how to subvert all those Facebook norms as a newly-minted Facebook Iconoclast.
Photo Albums
A Facebook Iconoclast has no "random pictures of friends," unless all that album contains is some pictures of sharks (and only if they're sharks you've never even hung out with). One might consider an album titled "MOM DON'T LOOK IN HERE" that turns out to just have a single picture of a cat in it. Unpredictability is key. If you must post pictures of something ordinary, rely on creative titles. Examples:
- Pictures of my new baby niece!! she is fat
- Photographic Evidence of My Various Crimes
- Cute swarms of things
- CANCUN's most interesting libraries
Other People's Posts
Bizarre liking and commenting is the Facebook Iconoclast's chance to punish people who pointlessly report every single thing that happens over the course of a totally unremarkable day. Oh, you feel sleepy? Here is a picture of a wheel of cheese, from one of my many baffling photo albums. Figure that one out, Sparky McTalksalot. Furthermore:
- Keep liking things that are utterly inconsequential, to make Constant Updaters reflect on their behavior.
- Comment only using acronyms that don't actually mean anything, to confound people who just ramble about whatever.
Profile/News Feed Misinformation
The option to Like something now appears on approximately all of the things that exist. There is a little thumbs-up on websites for hired clowns, dictionary articles about benzene, and probably on your body somewhere. Misusing these often enough will leave everyone with no idea what's going on.
The Endgame
In the long run, you will make Facebook uninhabitable by anyone. To escape your mayhem, people will tag each other in photos by printing them out, circling someone in red marker, and writing "This one is you!" in block letters. Facebook stalkers will resort to camping out in each people's backyards with telescopes, and will then probably get arrested, which is fine. Everyone will send status updates via physical mail, writing hundreds of letters daily that say things like "DENTISTS! yuck," and the Facebook Iconoclast will go back to using Facebook (but of course, he will be doing so ironically).
What's the weirdest thing you "like"?
Related Post: The Facebook Diet
Topics: The Internets
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