Four Epic (and Insane) Ways to Reject Someone Kindly
CaféSuave is a connoisseur of the crazy. We're asking her out just to see what happens! –Sparkitors
So this Harry Potter-hater who can’t even tell the difference between Gandalf and Dumbledore just asked you out, or implied that he or she likes you as more than a friend. You want to reject said person, but are stricken with guilt when you suddenly remember how it felt when you were 12 years old and had a totally obsessive crush on someone who you followed around and around until...ahem. It doesn’t matter what happened then, what’s done is done, even if your broken heart caused you to cry for two months straight and gain 12 pounds of ice-cream weight. Anyway, you wouldn’t wish that kind of heartbreak on your worst enemy’s dog, so you have to find a way of rejecting them kindly. And, as a special bonus, completely insanely!
Strategy number 1: “I’m still not over my ex. Who happens to be Daniel Radcliffe, and even if the whole relationship happened in my mind, I was still in love with him, can’t you see that? CAN’T YOU?!”
What you need: Tissues, a photo of your fake celebrity ex in a gaudy frame, covered in lipstick kisses (bonus points if you’re a guy and do this), good acting skills.
What you do: When the undesirable guy or girl approaches to ask you out, say in a fake calm voice “Oh, didn’t you hear?” Then, start sobbing silently into your tissues (it helps if you stick an onion in there). When the object of your rejection demands to know what’s up with you, burst into tears and hysterically shout “How do you expect me to calm down when the LOVE OF MY LIFE LEFT ME! Please come back (insert name of imaginary ex)! I will buy you a freaking unicorn if you’ll be mine once more!”
Strategy number 2: “I’m still dwelling on the death of my fish. But you’re welcome to come to the funeral.” This one is ideal for rich eccentrics who like morbid things and want to make a statement. A statement that they are creepy and have too much time on their hands.
What you need: Enough money to organize a small funeral. Bonus points if during the funeral you serve a dinner consisting of salmon, sushi, and caviar.
What you do: Instead of giving your anti-crush a straight “no,” just tell them you have no time to date, on account of all the funeral planning you’re going to be doing. Paper the town with photocopied images of a fish, which say something like, “We will all miss you, Goldie, too bad you ended up in the WC.” Maybe the person will be creeped out enough to decide not to date you after all, or else he or she will decide to check out the funeral, just to find out how nuts you really are. If this happens, you have to follow through with the event. Hang tons of your creepy fish pictures everywhere, and read a heartfelt speech about how your life is meaningless without your beloved marine pet. Make it open casket: i.e., a cooler filled with some ice and a fillet.
Strategy number 3: “I’m sorry, I'm going to study abroad in Brazil.”
What you need: The ability to miss two weeks of school, Photoshopped images of you partying in Rio de Janeiro, a Portuguese dictionary to help you craft convincing Facebook status updates.
What you do: Basically, don’t come to school for two weeks, and hope your unwanted suitor gets over you. If your parents have a problem with that, go to school in a wig and a t-shirt that says “BRASILIA” and tell everyone you’re the Brazilian exchange student that your parents traded their son/daughter for.
Strategy number 4: “I love you like a brother/sister. No, I’m being completely literal.”
What you need: Contacts at an adoption agency, parents that won’t feel insulted if you want to be part of another family for a few days, and a wig that looks just like the hair of the person you’re rejecting.
What you do: Express your regret at being unable to date your would-be S.O., considering the fact that you’re now siblings! Start to appear in their house wearing your wig, hugging them, and asking for use of their stuff. As in: “Siblings 4ever! Can I use your computer? Your bathroom? Your toothbrush? Your math homework? Can I sleep in your bed? You don’t mind that I sometimes pee when I have nightmares? I’m never leaving your side!”
If all else fails: There is a very slight chance that someone out there will like you even more after all this. If that happens, run to your nearest cop shop: you have a lunatic stalker. Even more lunatic than yourself.
But seriously...can rejection get any more lunatic than this?
Related post: Warning Signs that your Friend is Crushin' On You
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