Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 31
Chapter Thirty-One: Talented
Better Title: Pretty Girls Get Two Gifts
Picking up from the last chapter, Edward, Bella, and Jacob are entertaining Tanya's crew of good vampires. They're trying to figure out why Aro and the Volturi are coming to Forks, and how to stop a possible massacre. Edward is a lousy host and doesn't even offer his guests refreshments. Would it kill the guy to squeeze out some dead dogs and give everyone a glass of Puppy Juice? And when is the last time Bella went hunting?
Eleazar, whose last name is without a doubt Smartypants, is surprised at the level of Optimus Beyonce's abilities, and curious about Bella's immunity to vampire powers. Bella quickly says she's not immune to all vampire powers, just those associated with the brain. Alice can still see Bella's future, because decisions are made not in the mind, but in the spleen, and Jasper can still alter her emotions, because we all know emotions come not from the brain, but from the duodenum. It makes perfect sense.
Eleazar says Bella is a shield, a common term for any vampire that can repel another's super powers. Upon hearing this term, Bella asks, "What does that even mean?" Really? The term "shield" is too hard to decipher, Bella? You can't use some simple context clues to crack this code? It's hard to believe that such a brilliant high school student would be thwarted by the term "shield." I happen to have the unedited manuscript of Breaking Dawn, which further shows Bella's trouble with the word. See for yourself:
Eleazar said I was a shield. What does that even mean? Perhaps it means I'm part balloon and can communicate with ice. Maybe being a shield has given me the power to turn wood into eggs and control cardboard with my eye beams! "Shield" must be Latin for "She who can make ducks fall in love."
How can this straight-A student not know what a shield is? If a mysterious European named Eleazar came up to me out of nowhere and said, "Dan, you are a shield," I would say, "Cool. That means others can't harm me. That's obvious. Can I have fifty cents for the vending machine, mister? Why not!? Jerk."
Eleazar, who must be rolling his eyes, explains to Bella that when he was a Volturi, it was his job to find and categorize various vampires based on their powers. Bella is a Shield because of her immunity to mental powers. I guess that would make Edward a Snoop, Jasper a Chill-Out Dude, and Alice a Plot Device.
He asks if Bella has ever tried to use her shielding powers to protect someone else. Could she expand her power to make a force field around others besides herself? Of course, Bella hasn't tried that yet, because she's selfish and was super busy looking up simple, common words in the dictionary.
Bella isn't the only shield in this world. Renata (whose name sounds like an Olive Garden appetizer) is Aro's bodyguard, and she's also a shield. If you try to attack Aro, Renata will step in, and your mind will forget what you were doing. That's a handy super power. And if you listen closely, you can hear Marcus in the distance screaming, "Yeah, but can she tell which Glee cast members were canoodling in the makeup trailer!? She ain't so viper."
Eleazar theorizes that Bella is immune to Renata's shielding technique. This could lead to an epic battle of Shield vs. Shield. Yep, that'll be exciting to read. Why not fight using Q-tips or bubbles instead? Or have a whisper war.
Bella, still flabbergasted over this odd "shield" word, wonders if it's possible that she's been given two special powers. Not only is she a shield, but she also has super-duper willpower, which made her time as a newborn vampire seem more sexy than manic. Could she be the only vampire with double powers?
Of course. That makes perfect sense. The girl who gets everything she ever dreams of should also get a bonus power, because being a perfect woman isn't easy. Bella is so perfect that scientists are using tiny hammers to make minuscule, precise dents in all shelled animals so that when you hold the shell to your ear you'll hear the phrase, "Bella is better than you."
She's so perfect. Did you know that writing Bella's name in the upper-right-hand corner of an envelope is equivalent to using a 98-cent stamp? She also won a Nobel Prize in the categories of Mathematics and Best Kiss. If you look at her directly, her beauty will make you forget prime numbers, and your teeth will fuse together. And if you whisper her full name into the wind, you will summon a Sex Dragon.
Kate, Tanya's easily forgettable sister, speaks up and asks if Bella can project her power on others. Kate's power is the ability to make a person believe he's in great pain. It's similar to Dakota Fanning's power, but instead of a burning sensation, the victim feels an electric shock. What a great power. And if you listen closely, you can hear Marcus crying in the distance, "That's not so viper. At least I can tell if your boyfriend thinks Jen's butt is better than yours. That's how I'm going to become President of Vampires!"
The thought of projecting her power to keep others safe thrills Bella. If she could make a mental cage around Optimus, then the Volturi may not be able to hurt the baby. Desperate to learn how, she tugs on Kate's arm like a kid tugs on mom's arm when he wants a cookie, or the way Optimus tugs on Jacob's arm when she wants to go to an Ezra Pound poetry recital.
Kate tries to shock Bella with mind-powers, but it doesn't work because Bella is wonderful. Bella is so perfect that the word "cake" is being replaced with "Bella flesh."
Bella's mind fills with hope. She need to protect the baby. The somewhat annoyed Kate isn't sure if she can teach Bella how to project, and says it takes a lot of practice. Meanwhile Edward and Eleazar have a confusing, one-side conversation as Edward replies to all of Eleazar's internal thoughts. This happens so often in the book. We get it, Miss Meyer. Edward can read minds. You don't need to do this stupid little gag in every other chapter.
Eleazar explains that there's a vampire named Chelsea in Aro's army. Her super power is the ability to break up or bind relationships. If you and your boyfriend are having a fight about walruses again, Chelsea could restore your relationship. If you hate the sight of pickles, Chelsea could make you honor and respect pickles. Her powers work on large groups, as well, which comes in handy on the field of battle. If you listen closely, you can hear Marcus whimper, "But…but…I can see relationships. That's better than creating or destroying relationships because…I'm taller. I'm so viper. I'm HYPER VIPER!"
According to Mr. Smartypants, Aro uses Chelsea to break up groups of vampires, and then she convinces any unique vampire to join Team Volturi. We all know Aro has a thing for powerful vampires. He collects them like my strange uncle collects mannequin torsos. As a Volturi, Eleazar would tell Aro about a particularly powerful vampire, and then Aro would destroy that vampire's entire coven and use Chelsea to convince the lone vampire to join his team.
Because Aro, Chelsea, and all the other Volturi are coming to Forks, Eleazar thinks this has little to do with Optimus Beyonce. Aro's using the baby as an excuse. His real goal is to kill the Cullens and then make Alice or Edward or Bella join his army. Aro really wants Alice on his side. He admires her power. He must also admire other ridiculous things, such as dog sweaters, Christmas lights in February, and Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones.
It all falls into place. Alice saw that the Volturi were coming for her. Instead of being turned against her family, she ditched them with Jasper. It almost makes sense. But this is Twilight. Why couldn't Alice just say all this instead of writing cryptic notes? Oh. I forgot. Because chromosomes, whatnot, and love.
I'm not convinced that was her plan, and I'll bet my knees that Alice and Jasper will triumphantly return before the book ends. And how does this relate to J. Jenks? Never mind. Don't answer that, because I don't really care and you'd just be wasting valuable internet space with a response. Instead, tell me who the red pawn on the cover is suppose to represent. Bella is the queen, obviously. Maybe the red pawn is Optimus, but wouldn't Optimus be on Bella's side? I bet it's Mike Newton spying on Bella's ass like a pervert.
Bella hears a car approaching and at first worries that Charlie is stopping by, but Edward says it's Peter and Charlotte, two vampires that I'm sure are important, but I don't care enough to remember.
Murmurs: 4 (Book total: 79)
Mutters: 4 (Book total: 46)
The battle begins!
CHELSEA: I have turned the Cullens against each other.
MARCUS: So what? Who cares?
CHELSEA: By using my relationship powers, we will easily win.
MARCUS: I'm not listening. You talk too much. And you're short.
CHELSEA: Soon Bella will be ours!
MARCUS: I beat Guitar Hero 8 on Expert…on my first try. It's not even out yet. It was hyper viper. You couldn't do that. You have little hands. You probably couldn't even hold the guitar with your dwarf hands.
CHELSEA: The Volturi will reign over the world of vampires!
MARCUS: Aro says I'm his favorite. But don't ask him about it, because it's a secret and he'll just lie to you. I think he hates you. He got me an iPod for my birthday. I bet he didn't even get you a present.
CHELSEA: The world of man will serve us!
MARCUS: I know that Aro likes me best because I can see relationships. That’s a very good power. It's the most powerful power of them all. I can do a handstand.
CHELSEA: Our numbers are growing. It's only a matter of time before vampires take control!
MARCUS: This one time, Aro took me bowling. Just me and him. It was so much fun. I bet he's never taken you bowling. He let me enter my own name on the scorecard. My name was "V-eye-Purr." It was hilarious. Then we went surfing and high-fived a lot.
CHELSEA: The immortal will rule the earth!
MARCUS: Aro lets me eat ice cream for breakfast all the time because we're best friends.
CHELSEA: I will help shape the future of vampire culture!
MARCUS: I can do a handstand. Wanna see? Are you watching? Watch! [Marcus does a handstand] See! Beat that, Chels-pee! Haha. Your name is like pee.
QUIL: My girlfriend cried for two hours after I accidentally stepped on her snow angel. Women…know what I mean?
MARCUS: Totally. Who are you, and would you like to see my handstand?
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