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Alternative Endings to Twilight

Alternative Endings to Twilight

aleyna22 caught the vampire fever, but she seems to be recovering quite nicely.—Sparkitors

Once upon a time and long, long ago (okay, fine, two years ago) there was a girl who was completely obsessed with Twilight—and as much as it pains me to say it, that girl was me. I was undoubtedly a Twi-hard: a shallow, shrieking, shaking-with-excitement-on-New-Moon's-opening-night Twi-hard. I read all the books twice, ventured to the theater three different times just to see Twilight—even when I had the flu—and it was only pride that kept me from taping a life-sized J-14 poster of Taylor Lautner to my bedroom wall. Thanks, pride.

Now, after looking back at what is a giant pimple on the face of my short life, I've realized just how ridiculous the Twilight  books are. With their clichéd endings and recycled story lines, I can only wonder how the heck I fell in love with such novels. But what if the Saga ended differently? Could an unexpected twist redeem the series? We're about to find out...

Alternate Ending 1: Jacob gets killed. Gasp! But who, you ask, would want to kill a man with gorgeous abs? Mike, of course, who does the wicked deed in a jealous rage. After their movie date with Bella, Mike takes Jacob behind the theater, and, after he finishes puking his guts out, kills Jacob with nothing but an empty popcorn bucket and his bare hands. But what's so great about this ending, you ask? There will be no need for the horribly pointless Eclipse and the vomit-inducing Breaking Dawn to be written! Hooray!

Alternate Ending 2: Edward and Jacob duke it out on Jerry Springer. After many arguments that don't really make any sense, Carlisle, being the noble doctor that he is, senses some tension between Edward and Jacob and calls up Mr. Springer. On the day of filming, Edward and Jacob are asked to calmly explain their situation, but Jacob loses his cool and transforms into a werewolf, exposing his tribe's secret to millions of horrified viewers. He and Edward then begin to fight—no surprise there, seeing how they're on Jerry Springer—but a gasp rises from the studio audience when a spotlight shines down on the brawl. Edward's sparkly skin shines like diamonds, revealing that A. He is a vampire or B. Alice forced him into wearing body glitter for his big TV debut. However, the crowd, having the pleasure of not knowing Alice personally, chooses option A. Panicking ensues, and Jacob and Edward cease their scuffle to watch the audience flee to the exits in a frenzy. We can only hope that Smeyer has the decency to cut to a commercial break before Jacob transforms back into a human.

Alternate Ending 3: Robert Pattinson is recast in the final film. Wait, that's not a book ending! But hey, it is a movie ending, so technically it still counts. So who will be chosen to portray the dreamy, tortured soul that is Edward Cullen? Adam Lambert of course! One word: Glampire.

Alternate Ending 4: Jacob and Bella run away and get married. While reading this series, did you ever wonder why Edward is so abnormally nice? I mean, seriously, what kind of boyfriend would stand back and let his woman get in a sleeping bag with a yummy shirtless werewolf, especially a yummy shirtless werewolf who's in love with her? Only someone using their kindness as a pretense, of course. Edward is actually a grotesque serial killer who recently escaped from a Seattle mental institution, and his forte is luring girls in with his sparkling charisma, only to ruthlessly murder them and eat them for breakfast with his chocolate chip pancakes. Because of Edward's past as an actor—it's rumored that his failing career lead to his mental breakdown—Bella has no idea what's coming for her. As the stars wink romantically at Bella one crystal-clear night, the malicious Edward waits furtively outside Bella's window, ready to pounce. Jacob, however, is also outside the window, but for reasons less sinister; he thinks it'd be swell to serenade Bella from below, a la Romeo and Juliet. Bella is immediately mesmerized by Jacob's impressive vocal chops, and the two young lovers then ride off into the sunset. Even though it is nighttime. Hey, it's not supposed to make sense—Stephanie Meyer wrote it, remember?

Alternate Ending 5:  After Breaking Dawn, Stephanie Meyer sells the rights to Twilight to a much cooler author, and a new series is born. Hey, remember Jasper Hale? The Cullen who is, well, not really a Cullen? Please take a moment to visualize him: the tousled hair, the pained facials expressions, the I-Was-Attacked-By-Three-Evil-Woman-As-A-Child-And-Traumatized-For-Life Hallmark sob story, and a Seattle upbringing. All of this points to only one thing: Jasper is destined for rock stardom. In this riveting new series written by a mysterious man mysteriously named The Man, Jasper grows sick and tired of all the attention his family gives to Edward and Bella. Relying solely on his angsty teen impulses, Jasper runs away from his home with nothing save the clothes on his back and his trusty electric guitar, The Bergstein. (As it turns out, The Man is a Sparkler.) After scrounging together a grunge band with Seth Clearwater, E-Rock, and one of those punks on the motorcycles in New Moon, the quartet launch their career by playing Nirvana and Alice in Chains covers through the thick smoke of underground college clubs. However, those modest gigs soon evolve into highly anticipated appearances on the VMAs and the Grammys, for Jasper quickly realizes he can use his vampire powers to control the emotions of his fans. His band, oh-so cleverly named Halestorm, sky-rockets to number one on charts around the globe, resulting in a critically-acclaimed world-wide tour. But ask any retired rocker: tours only lead to scandals. Between secret affairs with insane groupies, the abominable smashing of The Bergstein onstage, and the personal struggle to keep his sparkly identity concealed, readers will witness Jasper's decline into the annals of rock and roll history. Does fame claim Jasper as its own? Will fans become wary of Jasper's reluctance to perform at sunny outdoor venues? Will one of his groupies pull a Bella and give birth to another Optimus Beyonce? Will Edward pen any of Halestorm's hits? (We hope not.) Will his stardom end because of his darned twenty-fifth chromosome? Sadly, we'll never know, because this series will probably never be written. Better get on it, Manklers.

WOW. Please, someone, write a novel using Ending #5. WE'LL PAY YOU IN SWEAT.

Related post: Blogging Twilight

Topics: Books
Tags: twilight, books we love, ridiculous things, funny things, books we hate

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