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Phi Beta Dagger

Phi Beta Dagger

Doesn't Seamus look absolutely DASHING in this photograph? If the Dags wasn't already betrothed to both George and Fred Weasley, fancy-pants Finnigan might have a shot. But, alas, sweaty Chelsea has more fictional boyfriends than she can handle, so Seamus is up for grabs. In fact, he's the prize for this week's crop of new Phi Beta Dagger members; but sorry, guys, you're going to have to share.


And how could we forget our cunning and clever CERTIFIABLE GENIUSES:
Real Alias
Lily Lou
I'd Rather Be in Dublin


Next up, the gloriously overrated THE DAGGER AWARDS:

The "It's True: You Iz A Winner, Fuh Reelz" Dagger Award is presented to CharlieHoops1 for comment #95!

The "You Have a Real Gift For Description. And Hilarity. " Dagger Award is presented to projotce for: I'd rather use brute strength, thank you very much:

Seamus hitched his manly, manly pants. He grinned. He grinned wider. He twirled the mustache he instantly grew. Picking up the piano with his super strength, he smashed it against the door, which blew apart like the bursting of a thousand piñatas.

Back from the Gryffindor common room after fetching his wand, Seamus proclaimed, "Reparo!" and tipped his sombrero for good measure. The door and piano splinters swooped back into position. Somewhere in the air an invisible voice proclaimed:


*cue mariachi band*

The "You Are Totes Viper And You Don't Even Know It" Dagger Award is presented to kj1030 for: “NOOOOO!!!!!!!” Seamus yelled Irishly as he looked upon the sad situation that befell him. While his friends were imbibing butterbeer and inhaling magic-flavored pancakes (Harry likes his with a dash of cinnamon), the poor, sparkly Sea-moose was stuck in a high room in a tall tower with no hope of escape. He wouldn’t even get to see the new season of Mar-Mar’s Bizness, which was enough to make any Gryffindor sweat with profuse frequency. As The Shea-Meister began losing all hope of rescue or return, an idea hit him like a Bludger. “AHA!” he exclaimed, as he set up the mirror and the table in a strategic manner. “I WILL LET THE LIGHT SHINE THROUGH THE WINDOW, ALLOWING IT TO BOUNCE OFF BOTH THE MIRROR AND MY TOTES VIPER HAREM PANTS, ALLOWING THE GILDED DOORKNOB TO MELT!!!!” He did so, and laughed maniacally, as this was one of the things he’d been dreaming of doing all his life. Just as he finished liquidating the doorknob into an unintelligible mass, The Celtic Soldier took the baseball bat, swung, and bashed the flimsy door down to smithereens. With fantastic joy at his success, Sea-Monster leaped to the piano and did a dazzling, sassy rendition of Lady Marmalade while making random doorknob-related puns. With rousing applause, all of the Hogwarts-ians stood at the doorway. Using the Hufflepuffs’ incredible powers, the students FOUND Seamus and came to make sure he was okay. Seeing as his singing chops were still unquestionably awesome, the troop sashayed through the door (with the exception of Draco Malfoy, who rolled dramatically) and brought along a flying car-full of the best IHOP pancakes anyone had ever tasted. They all wore blinding harem pants and danced to Cher as they reveled in one of the greatest days of Hogwarts history.

The "Your Responses Are Ridiculously Long But Much Too Brilliant Not To Publish" Dagger Award is presented to cookielover24 for: Seamus sat on the floor and sweated out of his eyes. He had no idea how he was going to get out of the tower and into IHOP so he could munch on delicious cinna-minions! He *cough*cried*cough* for like a whole minute before thinking, I should call a house-elf!

He jumped up, wiped away his eye-sweat and said heroically, “HOUSE-ELF, COME HITHER!” Suddenly, there was a great big flash, everything just changed, his molecules were all rearranged (VIVA LA DANNY PHANTOM!) and out of a cloud of smoke stepped…


Seamus gaped at him in a way only Irish people can. “Wha--?”

“I am your house-elf!” cried Edward. “I am here to save and/or cook for you! HUZZAH!”

“You’re not a house-elf,” said Seamus. “You’re a flippin’ vampire! Get away from me!”

“Alas, fear not! For I will lift you out of the tower on the wings of passion and deposit you gently on the loam!”

“What’s loam?”

“Why, any self-respecting, lullaby-writing, psychic-sister-having person knows what loam means. It’s—“

“Never mind that!” yelled Seamus. “How are you going to get me out of here. No offense (though I mean this in the worst way possible), but you stink….at life.”

“WHAT? I am EDWARD CULLEN! HEAR ME MURMUR!! I am the most awesome person to have ever lived! Well, besides Bella Swan… she has such a wonderful way of talking about dust motes. Oh, oh, or Alice, my psychic sister, whose visions often change in a way that makes no sense at all, but we love her anyways. WE are awesome, for realz.”

Suddenly, the ground shook. “EARTHQUAKE!” shouted Seamus. “We have to, we have to-—wait. What’s that… blocking the sun?”

“It looks like a giant hand…” said Edward.

“A SARCASM HAND!” Seamus cried. “HA! That counteracts everything you just said! That proves you’re a FAIL! You are ANTI-AWESOME!”

But Edward-butt wasn’t listening. “Look, how beautiful the eclipse is. It’s like dust floating on clouds of floating loam that is floating. I MUST WRITE A LULLABY ABOUT IT!” He sat down at the piano. “But what key…what key? I have to find the right key…”

“GASP!” yelled Seamus. “That’s it! CHELSEA DAGGER, you sweaty devil, I found the right key! HA! It’s CINNA-MINION TIME! SO LONG SUCKERS!” Then, defying all laws of physics, he was transported straight into IHOP, where he chatted with his homies and enjoyed delicious flavor.


The "Best Use Of The Word 'Bizz-natch'" Dagger Award is presented to katiekapow101 for: SCENARIO 1: Spotting the piano, Seamus's eyes fill with manly, grateful tears, because Seamus is a SECRET MUSICAL GENIUS. He begins to play the most beautiful melody EVER (it sounds like a baby unicorn learning to speak mixed with an angel's tears of joy) which summons the thestrals from the Forbidden Forest, along with a group of swooning fangirls. The thestral lands gently on the ledge of the tower's window and sways appreciatively to the music. The swooning fangirls begin to pound on the door in desperation to know who is playing that lovely music, but Seamus is too busy being freaked out by the sight of a giant, skeletal bird-horse thing. (Seamus saw his cat die at the age of 6.)The fangirls, growing desperate, break down the door with a few well-placed spells. The flying door knocks Seamus off the piano bench and onto the back of the thestral by the window, who takes off in fright and deposits Seamus safely on the ground below. Seamus sprints to the Hogsmeade IHOP just in time to catch Dean and the gang ordering wizardberry 'cakes from the delicious Madam Rosmerta.

SCENARIO 2: That whole "look into the mirror, something about a saw, cut the table in half, halves make a whole, jump through the hole" bizz-natch.

The "Seamus Falls In Lurve With A DRAGON?! Sure, Why Not. " Dagger Award is presented to dobbyssock for: Seamus uses the mirror and positions it at the sun and his sparkly pants, starting a signal fire. The gang sees it at IHOP and knows it's not just some burning pancakes. They save him while he plays his own background music on the piano to add to the intensity. However, instead of the beautiful bromantic Dean coming to his rescue, he notices him cheating with Ginny at the bottom of the tower. In response he drops the table (it's made of wizard lead). The bat is just there for when he goes down and finds out the table didn't work. Slightly depressed and lonely, Seamus enjoys starch at IHOP and meets the new cute waiter (Norbert the dragon.) They then live a fulfilling life of pop music and glitter. THE END.

The "Christina Aguilera Would Be So Proud" Dagger Award is presented to NarniaSparks for: Well, he could look into the mirror, and see what he wanted most. At that moment it would be to get off the Astronomy Tower and to be at IHOP with Dean, forcing him to share the syrup, and as HP and The Sorcerer's Stone taught us, the Mirror of Erised can make things happen like that. So as soon as he stops admiring his pants in the mirror, closes his eyes, clicks his man-pumps together, and whisper-sings, "There's no one like Dean, there's no one like Dean," to the tune of Beautiful, he'll find himself in a sticky chair, scarfing down pancakes like there's no tomorrow.
But then Dean and the gang tease him to no end for wearing shiny harem pants, to which Seamus says between tears, "Words can't bring me down!"

The "I Always Suspected That Dobby Would Be Good At Juggling Knives" Dagger Award is presented to MaidenWarrior for: Seamus was befuddled. He sang some Shakira to ease the tension, which broke the mirror due to the high pitches he had finally, after years of practice, managed to reach. After humming some Celine Dion to himself to focus, he finally thought of something to do about his trapped state.
"Aha! Dancing to Pat Benatar will solve my problems!"
So, hopping up onto the table, Seamus burst into a rousing song and dance number, using the bat as a fake microphone. Realizing he had no one to play the music for him, he summoned Dobby, because aside from stalking Harry, Dobby is quite gifted at playing piano and juggling knives.
As they performed their rendition of 'Love is a Battlefield' (which Seamus thought was the best music performed since Bette Midler's heyday), the door suddenly opened. There stood Draco, in sparkly harem pants, ready to join the fun.
He explained that locking Seamus in the room was a prank he thought would be fun, but hearing Seamus' beautiful song he just couldn't resist letting his cover slide and joining in.

For Draco Malfoy is secretly a gifted soprano.

Delighted at the vocal variety, Seamus invited him to join his and Dobby's band, which they named 'The Boggarts.'

And thanks to Seamus' song, The Boggarts were able to perform live in Hogsmede, and Seamus got his day with Dean.

The "Dude, You Simply MUST Read Whale Talk, Staying Fat For Sarah Byrnes, or Ironman by Chris Crutcher. They are FABULOUS." Dagger Award is presented to Real Alias for yet another wonderful email!

TAMM!E submitted an absolutely masterful masterpiece to THE GALLERY D'ART, but due to problems with our servers, we can't post it at the moment. But worry not; your eyes shall soon feast upon its glory!

Related post: Phi Beta Dagger archives

Topics: Life, Test Prep
Tags: phi beta dagger, dagger awards

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About the Author
Chelsea Dagger

Since 2010, Chelsea Dagger (known in real life as Chelsea Aaron) has been SparkLife's sweatiest editor. She's currently working on a how-to-kiss guide for teens, and when she's not conducting smooch-related research on her life-size Joseph Gordon-Levitt cardboard cutout, she's eating pancakes, stocking up on industrial-strength deodorant, and destroying everyone at Harry Potter trivia. (EXPECTO PATRONUM!)

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