Flyergirl13 Tells You How-To Win MarioKart
flyergirl takes on a beast we could never master: the video game.—Sparkitors
Usually, I can't decide whether or not I like MarioKart. I mean, I love playing it, because I often win—except when I play against my brother. But it raises my stress level considerably. I'm surprised no one has filed a lawsuit against Nintendo (or whoever created the game) for making them paranoid that a red turtle shell might hit them while they're walking to the store. Plus, it's incredibly disconcerting knowing that your siblings would throw a bomb at you just to win the coveted first place position.
But regardless of the stress this game creates, it's imperative that you know how to win it. Because, you know, winning is everything. If you think getting good grades or going to Harvard is more important than a virtual game, well, go ahead and think that. But you're wrong.
*Disclaimer* I have the Wii version of MarioKart, so if you follow these steps and still lose, maybe it's because you have a different version of the game than me. Guess you should have read the disclaimer, huh?
Step One: Choose A Cool Character. You know how you get to pick an animated avatar? Yeah, it means that you don't even get to drive your own go-kart; some ditsy princess or wild monkey does it for you.
DO: Choose a ferocious character. No silly princesses for you! You want one of the giant monster dudes who look like they can swallow you whole. And a giant go-kart, so you can run over any siblings blocking your path.
DON'T: Let the character do all the work. Just because someone else is at the wheel doesn't mean you can kick back with a glass of lemonade. Remember, this is a computer we're talking about. Sure, it's smarter than you, but it's not that smart. Yet.
Step Two: Pedal To The Metal. It's a good idea to hold down the "go" button while driving, to make your go-kart actually move. You might think that's a stupid step, but I promise you it's absolutely essential if you want to win.
DO: Hold down the "go" button, no matter what. We want speed! This is not a game for the cautious. So always press that button, even if you're headed straight for a cliff.
DON'T: Forget which buttons are which and accidentally press the brake button for the whole race. Or the reverse button.
Step Three: Get Presents. These are awesome because they allow you to blow up your siblings' go-karts. What more could you want?
DO: Run over lots and lots of presents. Then you'll have lots and lots of stuff to throw at your siblings, and everyone will be happy. Or at least you will be.
DON'T: Mention this strategy to your drivers ed teacher. Remember, this rule doesn't actually apply in real life. If you run over a large shiny object in the middle of the road, you won't get a banana peel gift, you'll get a fender-bender.
Step Four: Sound Effects. The game adds sound effects for you; when you throw a bomb, you get an explosion noise. When a red seeker shell is about to hit you, there's a warning beep. Is there anything more humiliating than knowing you're about to be struck by a turtle's backside?
DO: Add your own sound effects. Not only do they distract your siblings, they make you feel better about your chances, especially if you have sound effects like "I WON!" in the middle of the race, or "Eat my dust, slowpokes!" when you're in last place.
DON'T: Get too insulting with your sound effects and commentary. Sure, it's all in good fun to laugh manically when your push your siblings off a cliff, but expect some revenge, which may not be limited to the virtual world. All I'm saying is, don't be surprised if your insultee suddenly tickle-attacks you.
Step Five: Mix Virtual World With Reality. You love MarioKart! Why not play it all the time? Bring MarioKart into your everyday life by arming your car with the essential weapons, including bananas, turtles, and mushrooms.
DO: Lean out of your car window and chuck your provisions at the cars nearby.
DON'T: Blame me if you get arrested.
We've never even played MarioKart, that's how uncool we are. How about you guys?
Related post: Flyergirl13 Tells You How