Blogging Pride and Prejudice as if it Were a Teen Novel: Part 15

Volume of the Third, Chapters 9-12

The newly wed Lydia and Wickham come home to the Bennets. Mrs. Bennet is pretty stoked, and lines up vuvuzelas and tambourines for her whole family to blow and play when Lydia opens the door.

But nobody blows, and nobody plays, because everyone knows that Wickham is a butt nugget.

Wickham senses this, and turns his charm notch up to 3 billion. Lydia doesn't even care that she's caused her whole family so much grief; in fact, she's beastlier than ever. She kicks Jane out of her spot at the dinner table, reminding Jane that married teen girls get to sit in a higher position than their unmarried, oldest, cobweb-ish, over-the-hill, basically-already-dead, 23-year-old sisters.

Teen Novel Rule #41: At the end, show how things have changed.

It's pretty obvious that things will never be the same for the Bennets. Lydia's going to be up in Newcastle, and her ever-inflating ego makes her impossible to tolerate for even a minute. The family has also acquired a new member—Wickham—who's like a sleazy game show host with runny stage makeup and pockets full of plastic consolation prizes.

Later, Lizzy tries to murder Lydia with one of the vuvuzelas, but Lydia only laughs and tells Lizzy all about her boring wedding—and accidentally lets it slip that Darcy was there.

Darcy?! As in DJ Dizzy Darcy?! Lizzy is stunned, and writes a letter to her aunt asking if she knows why Darcy made an appearance at his enemy's wedding. (Duh monkeys, the cake!)

Her aunt, Mrs. Gardiner, writes back and says she's shocked Lizzy didn't know: Darcy paid Wickham to marry Lydia and save the Bennet name.

Aha! Just as I'd suspected! And Double Excellent that Darcy didn't tell Lizzy of his heroic deed.

Teen Novel Rule #42: When one of our main lovers does something heroic, let it be up to the other to figure out what's been done.

Hooray! Jane Austentatious is on a zip line straight to my teen-novel-loving heart.

Next, Wickham talks alone with Lizzy. At first, I thought he was totes gonna wiggle his pierced tongue in her ear, but then I remember that these people don't know how to have fun.

Instead, he asks Lizzy to board his bullcrap train.

Wickham: All aboard my bullcrap train! Choo chooooooooooooooo! Oh hey there, Lizzy Bennet, would you like your ticket?

Lizzy: This is a banana.

Wickham: Is it a banana, Lizzy? Is it really?

*awkward silence*

Lizzy: Yes.

Wickham: On the bullcrap train, it's a ticket! And everything I say is the truth! Did I ever tell you about the time I toured with The Decemberists? I played synths and the French horn, and between songs a python would nibble on my shirt, gradually exposing my incredible pector—

Lizzy: —OKAY! If it'll make you shut up, I'll board your bullcrap train.

Wickham: Excellent.

*awkward silence*

Lizzy: What?

Wickham: Um, I need your ticket, ma'am.

So, Wickham believes Lizzy doesn't know that Darcy paid him off to marry her sister. Wow, that's some daytime drama-style, um, drama right there. If I were Lizzy, I would have told Wick-nasty everything I knew, recorded his petrified face on my phone camera, and made it into an excellent .gif and eventual internet meme. Also, when I finished filming, I would do the robot, hold up my phoneful of evidence, and say, "Tell that to a judge, Wickham." And it would be the best day of my life.

Alas.

Mrs. Phillips tells Mrs. Bennet that Bingley is returning to town. Mrs. Bennet is thrilled, and pitches a reality show to a local cable channel called A Second Chance at Marrying Rich Love, which would star JaneWOW and Charles "The Thing That Is Happening Right Now" Bingley. The local cable channel passes on the idea, on account of too many vuvuzelas, but Mrs. Bennet is too hysterical to care.

And then, out of the mist, the faint figures of Bingley and Darcy riding toward the Bennet house on horseback appear. (Also they are topless.)

Mrs. Bennet squeals. Lizzy adjusts her stretch pants. Jane claims she'll never love again, but Lizzy doesn't believe her.

Finally, the men arrive. Both Lizzy and Jane play it cool, and refrain from chatting with their crushes. Mrs. Bennet invites the boys to dinner later that week, even though she still believes Darcy is an arrogant know-it-all, which, c'mon ladies, he kind of is.

But he is also so many other things! Empathetic! Generous! Bare-breasted! Lizzy cannot help but think of all these things as he dines at her house. However, he barely speaks to her, they aren't seated anywhere near one another at dinner, and some annoying girl keeps talking to Lizzy after dinner, so she can't get to Darcy. She wonders why he doesn't make more of an effort to come to her, and then she remembers that she refused his marriage proposal, and concludes that might have something to do with it.

JaneWOW, however, spends her evening chatting away with Bingley. After dinner, the girls go down to the basement to play Rock Band, and Jane assures Lizzy that she has not fallen for Bingley again.

"Tell that to a judge," Lizzy says. And then she does the robot.

Jane Austen Scorecard: Wins, 33; Losses, 10; Undecideds, 0

For the complete set of teen novel rules, click here!