Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 29
Chapter Twenty-Nine: Defection
Better Title: And the Dish Ran Away with the Loon. (Jasper's the dish.)
The first sentence of this chapter should have been the final sentence of the entire series:
"We sat there all night long, statues of horror and grief, and Alice never came back."
Now that's an ending I can get behind.
Sadly, there are many more sentences and sentence fragments that follow it. The chapter reminds me of the time Snape (spoiler alert) killed (super spoiler alert) Dumbledore and how many readers thought Snape was an evil guy. But us cool people knew Snape was only acting evil all along.
I'm willing to bet Alice is taking on the Snape role here, but in a far more stupid and less important way, like when you ask your dad if you got your college acceptance letter and he says, "You didn't get in. Sorry. We're having chicken for dinner. By the way, there's a giant fat envelope from that awesome college you wanted to attend. It's on your desk. Wonder what that could be…hmm? Hahaha. I'm your father and I'm devilish."
Before Alice fake-betrays the family, we see Bella and the other vampires sitting around the Cullen house waiting for Alice and Jasper to return from their thinking spot. In the last chapter, Alice needed to get away from Jacob so she could clearly see the future regarding the Volturi. She grabbed Jasper and left the house. She better not be going to my Thinking Lake. And if she does, she better pick up all the string cheese wrappers I left.
It's hours later and the two still haven't returned. Bella describes the feeling inside the house as one of total despair. No one is moving. No one is talking. Everyone assumes the Volturi will attack and there's nothing they can do about it.
There's only one word to describe what I'm feeling: Brargh!
This situation angers me for several reasons.
1. Tell me again why they can't explain Optimus Beyonce to the Volturi? The Volturi love the Cullens. When the Cullens broke the most important vampire rule of them all, the Volturi gave them a warning. That's it. A warning. That's like a parent who watches his 4-year-old sell nuclear arms to terrorist and then taps the kid on the butt and say, "Don't do that again, my little dewdrop." If the Volturi are so lenient, why can't Carlisle, their friend and former alley, just tell them what's going on?
2. With all the touchy-feely vampire powers, why wouldn't the Volturi realize the truth about Optimus before attacking? Do vampire powers not work on Wednesdays? Is it Wednesday? (Side note: When the heck does this story take place? Is it July? Did we miss Christmas? Is Jacob even going to school anymore? Did Angela and Ben go all the way yet?)
3. Tell me again why they can't beat the crap out of a bunch of old guys and Dakota Fanning? The Cullens have Emmett and two packs of werewolves on their side. It's my understanding that werewolves serve only one purpose: vampire death. (They also dabble in unorthodox child care, but that's not the point.) It might be a tough fight, but it's not like Justin Bieber facing off against The Predator. Stop sitting around and moaning, you super-powered jerk holes! I could take down a few Volturi, and my only super power is the ability to type "Mississippi Mississippi Mississippi" with my eyes closed. (I'm also good with throwing stars…presumably.) Get mad! Get hyped! It's freakin' go time, leeches! LET'S DO THIS!!!
4. Why can't Carlisle explain the situation to his best buddy Aro? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? I'm so angry, I need to close my eyes. Mississippi Mississippi Mississippi.
Some might say, "Dan, you're missing the point. The Volturi hate Optimus regardless of her hybrid status. It's against the rules for vampires to have babies of any kind. The Volturi will kill everyone. Your beard makes you look like a rugged movie star, but you're wrong about the Volturi's motivation."
And I would thank you for the beard compliment but retort by saying that doesn't make sense and your hat makes you look desperate for attention. The Volturi hate baby vampires because baby vampires are uncontrollable monsters who can't abide by vampire rules. Optimus isn't like that. She's growing up. She's smart. She understands logic and reason. And she sleeps. Plus she has super duper powers.
The Volturi wouldn't kill her if they knew the truth, just as they won't kill Alice, Bella, or Edward, because those three are Super Duper Vampires. The Volturi love Super Duper Vampires more than I love licking leftover maple syrup off my whiskers in the middle of the day. Once they learn about Optimus, they would not dare harm her. Case closed.
So I'm completely lost as to why the Volturi are attacking, and why the Cullens can't explain the situation. I also don't understand if wind is coming or going, but that's for a different, much, much longer blog.
Bella stares at Edward all night long. Literally. She tells us, "We'd stared at each other all night, staring at what neither of us could live through losing: the other." Yep, staring will fix everything. That's how we won WWII. No sense making battle plans or body armor; no need to call the Volturi to explain things. Instead, it's very wise to waste the entire night locking eyes with a joyless pretty boy and wait for your second helping of death. (Sarcasm hand.)
Everyone begins to worry about Alice. Where is she? Why hasn't she returned? Its all so mysterious and tense. I'm probably wrong, but I thought Edward could read minds—minds of people who were miles away. That's why Aro was so fascinated by Edward. He's particularly adept at reading the minds of people he knows, such as a sister or his lullaby coach. As such, he should know exactly what Alice did and where she went with Jasper.
Mississippi. Mississippi. Mississippi.
Edward hasn't a clue where Alice went, but suddenly everyone jumps to the conclusion that the Volturi have attacked her and Jasper. They tell Jacob to wait with Optimus alone at the house (Really? You really think that's a good idea, do you? Hmmm), and they rush out to begin an exciting chase through the forest as they follow Alice and Jasper's scent. Meanwhile, Jacob dons his party robe and turns on the lava lamp.
Once the vamps get to the werewolf boundary, Sam and the formerly-evil-werewolves-who-are-now-good-guys (FEWWANGG) stop them. The FEWWANGG aren't here to fight, but instead give the Cullens a note left by Alice.
Alice's handwritten message says she and Jasper left and swam into the ocean to leave the Cullens forever. (Yay!) Alice implies that she knew the fight would end badly and couldn't stand to lose Jasper. She advises the Cullens to find some other vampires to help battle the Volturi, and then Jasper adds, "My scars make me pretty, Emmett! Y'all are just jealous!" Not really. That doesn't happen.
Without Jasper's ability to move sideways and Alice's ability to piss me off, the Cullens don't stand a chance!
Of course this is a ploy. It must be. Stephenie Meyer is too bland a writer to actually let one of her beloved characters act in such an interesting manner. This is a trick. Alice doesn’t plan on leaving the Cullens high and dry, and I'll bet my tongue and toes that she will triumphantly return with Jasper just in the nick of time.
I could be wrong about this. Alice and Jasper might really be gone forever. (Yay!)
Yeah right. That's not going to happen. Alice and Jazzy are totally coming back. I'm willing to bet not only my teeth and toes, but also my eyes and my beard.
Alice's note was written on a torn page of one of Bella's books. After a few pages of brilliant detective work on Bella's part, Bella realizes the page was a message for her to go to her sex cottage and find the book. Off she goes with her sidekick Lullaby Lad to solve "The Case of the Obvious Plot Twist."
Belly makes her lover stand outside while she investigates the sex cottage. Inside the book is a message for Bella's eyes only. It's the name and address of J. Jenks, with a note that says, "Destroy this." Bella assumes Alice is telling her to destroy the book before the other vampires see it. Though perhaps Alice wants Bella to destroy this Jenks fellow. Hmmm…
Bella burns the secret note before Edward sees what's going on, and then the two return to the Cullen house, where the others are getting ready for a road trip to search for Good Guy Vampires who can help stop the Volturi.
Carlisle tells Edward and Bella to stay at home. When the good vampires arrive, Edward will need to explain the situation and prove that Optimus isn't a threat to vampire culture. ($10 says he does so via lullaby.)
Then everyone cries. I'm not kidding.
Murmurs: 2 (Book total: 70)
Mutters: 0 (Book total: 40)
The Cullens are too late. The Volturi arrive. There's nothing they can do.
ARO: Well, well, well. Looks like someone's been a very naughty girl.
BELLA: You don't understand! We didn't bite the baby. She's my own child! She's a hybrid.
CAIUS: Babies can't be cars.
MARCUS: Speaking of babies, I've got some juicy gossip regarding the father of Mariah Carey's bundle of joy! Stay tuned. Marcus…out!
ARO: What? What the hell does that even mean, Marcus? Stay tuned to what?
MARCUS: Marcus…in! It means I have all the dirt on celeb relationships. I'm starting my own talk show. Gonna call it "Mar-Mar's Bizness." It's gonna be totally viper! Marcus…out!
ARO: Did you just use "viper" as an adjective?
MARCUS: Marcus…in. Hell yeah. Viper explains my style and my flo. I'm just so viper! By the way, Tina Fey has a crush on Kevin Costner! Marcus…out!
ARO: I can't believe we hang out with you.
BELLA: So you'll let us go, right? You don't want to kill a valuable and powerful vampire hybrid.
ARO: Of course not. Why didn't you just call us and let us know? This could have been done over Skype.
[Aro packs up his things and heads back on the bus. Jasper jumps out of the tree.]
JASPER: Not so fast, Aro! I'm here to save the day!
[Jasper moves sideways back and forth for a minute. Nothing happens.]
JASPER: You feel that? Huh? You feel that sideways action, Aro? I'm sideways running. It's over, man. You lose. It's over, turkey.
EMMETT: Um…Jazzy? You're not doing anything. You look really stupid. Why are you wearing kneepads?
JASPER: They make me look badass and in charge. Out of my way, Emmett. I don't want to accidentally murder you with my diagonal motion.
MARCUS: Those kneepads are viper, man.
EMMETT: But Aro is leaving. It was all a misunderstanding. You're being an ass.
JASPER: Shut up, Emmett! Is this about my scars? I'm pretty on the inside. Alice…now!
[Alice emerges from the woods screaming, riding on roller skates and carrying a baseball bat.]
ALICE: Agh! You messed with the wrong vampires!
[Alice then hits Aro in the legs with the bat. Aro doesn't flinch. Alice then looks around at her husband seemingly dancing side-to-side.]
ALICE: Um…did we win? Is that why you're dancing?
JASPER: [Out of breath] I'm wrecking this place up like a tornado of vengeance! Sideways is the best ways! Look out, Aro. You're about to be diago-NAILED!
BELLA: Aro's going home.
ALICE: So my plan worked?
EDWARD: Your plan for Jasper to move sideways while you ride roller skates?
ALICE: Yeah. We call it the "A.J. Special." It took us days to think up.
EDWARD: Um…good job.
JASPER: [Out of breath] I helped save everyone!
ESME: You sure did, my brave little man. You're getting a new air hockey table for being so strong.
QUIL: My girlfriend has chosen Cookie Monster to be her maid of honor at our wedding. The reception will be held at McDonald's.
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