January Horoscopes (Deluxe 12-Month Edition)
A new year, a new beginning, same old knees. Nothing bad will happen to your knees this year. Let’s get that out of the way up front. Stop worrying.
Instead of writing the usual monthly horoscopes, for this month only, we are giving you a very special sneak peak at the rest of 2011. It wasn’t easy to gaze so far into the future, and now we have a headache and our socks don’t match. What will 2011 have in store for you? Here’s a small taste of what to expect.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
January: Someone will lie about your knees. The first person who asks you to smell something is a secret villain.
February: Only listen to songs that begin with a question. You will need a pair of scissors sharp enough to cut through a bamboo cage.
April: Your love life will blossom if you can convert Fahrenheit to Celsius in your head.
May: You will be pleasantly surprised by fish and teeth.
June: Use the word “tummy” as much as possible, because the older you get, the less acceptable it is. Get your fill while you still can!
July: Only let an odd number of rain drops hit your head or else you will be doomed to a life without love and blankets.
Secret July: The night eagle begins to stir when the low man cackles in the mirror.
August: Do you know Paul? Because he certainly knows you.
September: When all else fails, use a sharpened potato.
October: Blow on soup to make sure it’s not too hot. Sit on ice cream to make sure it’s not too cold.
November: A snake that swallows a bunch of glue or cement is an arrow waiting to happen.
December: By this time, you should be able to lift small objects with your mind. If you can’t, you must have messed up in August.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
January: Eat donuts in a counterclockwise fashion or the rest of the year will be worse than spending 365 days inside a haunted mannequin factory.
February: Think twice about touching that horse.
March: Stop the bleeding by applying pressure directly to the void formerly occupied by your pinky toe. Better yet, don’t play with revolving doors.
April: Love will find you moments after you say, “Dan Bergstein said love would find me if I kept saying ‘turnips.’ So that’s why I’m saying ‘turnips’ all freaking month.”
May: Careful! That’s real lava.
June: You will be successful at all things related to baskets and thunder.
July: Remember the number 778. If you forget that number, terrible, terrible things will happen to the person living on the exact opposite side of the globe. (If water is on the opposite side, then the bad luck will apply to all people swimming or boating in a 29-mile radius of that spot.)
Secret July: She who sings forbidden songs enchants the hogs of war.
August: Buy crackers!
September: The police and the mayor may not understand, but we do. We totally understand. And we think you’re a real hero. Thank you.
October: Learn to get dressed in the dark or else this month will be filled with embarrassment and missed belt loops.
November: You will watch a movie starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and you will whisper, “Dan told me this would happen…”
December: Remember to cut the rope bridge after you make it to the other side or else your enemy will catch up to you in no time.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
January: Traveling by bus will lead to love. Traveling by chariot pulled by dolphins across a large body of water will lead to heartache.
February: Don’t worry. It’s a friendly tiger.
March: The friend who wears yellow on Monday will lead you down a path filled with anger and stitches.
April: Help is needed in the basement! Bring a pair of pliers and some fish food.
May: Luck will find you if you never let your hands touch each other for the entire month. Wearing mittens or gloves is cheating and will result in instant diarrhea.
June: The warmer weather means only one thing: rabies.
July: Put down the bow and arrow! For the love of God! What were you thinking?
Secret July: The dead wind whispers softly to the ox in the glass garden.
August: The hospital won’t be that bad.
September: The waitress named Sara will serve you Diet Coke instead of regular Coke because she hates you and your entire family.
October: This month is difficult to see in our crystal ball, but there’s something about a cowboy and a bucket filled with marbles and rubber eraser crumbs. Good luck.
November: The man who used the trapeze before you didn’t wash his hands, and he has a bad head cold. Beware.
December: You’re getting a shirt for the holidays. It’s sort of purple. Act surprised.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
January: Don’t you dare think about marshmallows.
February: Good luck with that spider in your bed.
March: Good luck with that other, much worse spider in your bed.
April: This month won’t be that bad, except for the Thursdays and Tuesdays. Sundays are going to suck, too. Saturdays will be OK, which is good, because Fridays will hurt.
May: Finally, your luck will begin to turn around and the rest of the year will be pretty great.
June: Enjoy all the money you will find in the swamp.
July: A very attractive person will fall madly in love with you if you complete five dot-to-dot puzzles in less than thirty minutes. One of the puzzles must look like a dentist. None of the puzzles should look like a candy cane.
Secret July: The fearmonger is loose, but the River Man cares not.
August: Wish Dan Bergstein a happy birthday or else he will send the clouds after you. The bad clouds.
September: You always hurt the ones you love, so you must really love your next door neighbor’s goldfish.
October: This Halloween, dress as a gnome. Gnome costumes are going to be freaking HUGE this year!
November: Try not to cry when you hear the news about the Meryl Streep sex scandal/crime spree.
December: Get ready for the best month of your life by wearing comfortable pants, a helmet, oven mitts, and roller skates.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
January: To kick off a fantastic year, open the refrigerator and consume the first item that catches your eye…unless it’s medicine or grapefruit juice. Why do you have grapefruit juice, anyway? That stuff tastes like chilly barf.
February: Hmm…difficult to see this month clearly, but you’ll certainly need toothpicks and what looks like a monkey puppet. Maybe it’s a real monkey that has trouble walking. So hard to tell.
March: The invaders will arrive. Spend most of the month crouched behind a big rock until the battle is over. It’s not very heroic, but at least you’ll live to see April.
April: Everyone will call you a big jerk for not fighting during the battle. They will scream, “Who cares what a stupid horoscope said?! We needed you to help fight the invaders!” Um…sorry we let you down.
May: Try to enjoy life under the leadership of the evil invaders. Find a new hobby to help occupy your time in the invader’s prison, such as rock collecting, or naming your tears after literary characters.
June: Rise up against the invaders…somehow. Maybe with a big rock or something.
July: With the evil invaders overthrown, establish a new global government with you as supreme leader. Get a crown. Hell, get two crowns—you’re Earth’s leader now.
August: Using your new control over Earth, demand that Hollywood make the Arrested Development movie and make sure that Avatar 2 doesn’t suck. Also, wipe out world hunger…perhaps with corn and the meaty remains of the evil invaders.
September: You will grow tired of governing the entire world and begin playing a lot of Xbox instead of solving the world’s problems.
October: You will quit being the world’s supreme leader. Instead, you will travel the country disguised as a homeless person, protecting the weak from would-be criminals. Your new name is “The Hound.”
November: Take on organized crime. Win.
December: Reveal to the world that you are The Hound! Your life will become a legend. Stories of your heroics will spread far and wide. Also, you’re getting headphones for Christmas.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
January: Grow out your eyebrows and foot hair. This will lead to year-long success.
February: You must remember the names of every Disney villain in alphabetical order.
March: You’ll need a bucket.
April: She had the secret plans all along! The trip to Morocco was just an excuse to get you out of the country. Hurry! Before it’s too late!
May: Take back everything you said regarding volleyball and walruses.
June: Relax. It’s not human blood.
July: You’re not wearing enough clear plastic articles of clothing.
Secret July: The password is “hh77bb.”
August: You will find love on the archery range.
September: Help ducks.
October: Your computer can hear and understand everything you say.
November: Don’t eat the 11th French fry.
December: Start dating someone who hates Mumford and Sons.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
January: Finish what you start, unless it’s a fire or a game of “Who Can Eat Metal?”
February: Befriend a tree. As you grow up, it will give you things. When you’re old, kill the tree and sit on the stump. You have defeated the tree!!!
March: Believe us, you don’t want to know what’s going to happen this month.
April: When you meet Oprah, don’t look her directly in the eyes. She will see that as a sign of aggression and may attack.
May: Pretend you’ve never seen Mary Poppins.
June: You need a dart gun.
July: Don’t breathe so much on Tuesdays to avoid possible poisonings.
Secret July: The answers can be found in the clock that always lies.
August: Memorize the phrase, “Tightrope Sally can’t have the chicken.” This will come in handy on more than one occasion.
September: Juggle as little as possible.
October: The month will begin and end with a penguin.
November: Never trust people from Nebraska when it comes to mini-golf.
December: You’ll have a cavity. Act surprised.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
January: Learn to play the drums…with your lips.
February: Learn to play the drums…with your hair.
March: A special font will impress and lead to great fortune. Choose wisely. (Hint: It’s not “Jokerman.”)
April: The Jokerman font will lead you to an early grave.
May: You should still avoid the Jokerman font, just to be safe.
June: Kissing will take place on a Thursday, so please brush. You will also need a fake nose for some reason. And please don’t use the Jokerman font.
July: Tell your parents how you really feel about Finland. Even if it starts a fight, you can’t let these feeling get bottled up.
Secret July: He who dwells near still water feels all pain.
August: Charge your cell phone before going to Spain, doofus.
September: High-five an old man for good luck.
October: You’ll need a box of colored pencils, and the colors must include crimson, heliotrope, and clear.
November: Avoid carpet and snakes. Go ahead and use the Jokerman font, if you must.
December: Punch anyone who offers you a kite.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
January: Nothing much will happen, except for that thing with the evil donkey and the knife.
February: Go to bed at a reasonable hour or else you will witness something gross and old.
March: You’ll need $5 worth of nickels in your pocket at all times. But the coins must remain completely silent.
April: When Megan Fox accidentally calls you, pretend to be her best friend and string her along for a few minutes. It will be hilarious!
May: The book you’re reading will change your life for the better, but your eyesight for the worse.
June: Raise your hand at 3:22 p.m. every Thursday this month. You’ll be pleasantly surprised by the result…unless you’re allergic to bees.
July: Someone you know will not die.
Secret July: “Forgiveness,” cried the wizard’s barber.
August: Quick! Fill your mouth with ice before it’s too late!
September: Ben is a liar.
October: A pencil, a rubber band, and an alligator’s spine will make this month memorable.
November: You will misspell the word “accuracy,” and some jerk will point out how poetic this is.
December: You will use the word “trophy” far too often this month. Try to cut back, OK?
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
January: To ensure an excellent year, post a comment about who would win if Yoda fought Hermione.
February: You do have a pair of red pants, right? Right!?
March: You need a friend named Cara, another friend named Tara, and a third friend named Mara. Or else.
April: Check for worms before biting into a cupcake.
May: Can’t sleep? It’s probably because you’re stressed out, or you have a nocturnal demon living in your soul.
June: You’ll need balloons, an egg, four socks, and a starfish to avoid disaster.
July: Fiber is your friend. So is Britney.
Secret July: Mountains. Fire. Noon. 19,999? Bake sale!
August: Get a haircut.
September: Something gold will cause problems. Something silver will cause giggles.
October: Call “time out” for no reason, and everyone will respect your authority.
November: Stay in bed as much as possible to avoid losing an eye and most of your teeth.
December: Don’t hurt cats.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
January: Astronauts, despite their intellect, are not always truthful.
February: Meeting the members of My Chemical Romance will be a disappointment.
March: You will forget the name of that one movie…the one with Tom Hanks…and this will cause nothing but problems.
April: Don’t touch anything that begins with an R.
May: You will fall in love when you least expect it, perhaps while brushing your teeth or trying on a new pair of scissors.
June: Don’t say, “Aww shucks.” It sounds lewd when you say it.
July: Sleep with one eye open, and one fist closed. This will make for easier night punching.
Secret July: The goat of despair hides in the shadows of Russia.
August: Your belief in monsters and ghosts will change completely.
September: Answer all questions with, “That’s for me to know and you to find out, Turkey.”
October: A game of “Throat Tag” will end badly.
November: Trucks give lousy hugs.
December: You’re getting an ugly sweater for Christmas. It’s itchy, too. Enjoy.
Pisces (February 18 – March 20)
January: Your year will start off slow, but soon you will be having the best time of your life…unless you’re in Ohio.
February: True love will find you…unless you’re in Ohio.
March: Stay away from Ohio.
April: Your month will be filled with joy and happiness…only if you’re in Ohio.
May: It doesn’t matter if you’re in Ohio, this month is going to be great…unless you own a cat.
June: Find a new use for doorknobs.
July: This is the best time of year to fight a jaguar.
Secret July: The house without a door is more than a dream.
August: Talk to Jen. She will guide you. If you don’t know anyone named Jen, talk to Gilbert.
September: Answer the phone after it rings four times or else your phone will electrocute you.
October: Anyone who whistles is a secret wizard who will direct you to fame and fortune.
November: Keep your eyes open for the man wearing white shoes.
December: You will be the champion of the entire universe, especially if you're in Ohio.
There you have it—2011 in a nutshell. Next month we’ll go back to standard horoscopes. Until then, have a happy new year, and never look a turtle in the eye. (Unless you’re a Pisces.)
How's your year looking?
Related post: December Horoscopes