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Phi Beta Dagger

Phi Beta Dagger

It's been 2 long weeks since the last PBD column ran, and at this point, it's doubtful that any of you even remember what PBD stands for, or who Chelsea Dagger is. (Hint: PBD= Post-Boogie Depression, and Chelsea Dagger=that moron who stuffs Devil Dogs up her finely-shaped nose with alarming frequency). Now that your memory has been refreshed, let's get cracka-lackin'; it's time to welcome some new members into our proud, Post-Boogie society. This week, each unbelievably lucky inductee shall receive Colin Creevey's Weasley sweater, pried from his cold, dead fingers (too much?), a bucket of fresh Alaskan ice, and a piece of unidentifiable lint/dirt/pre-chewed gum from the desk of the Dagger herself. OH, GLORY.

Now here they are, the bright, shiny, and spectacularly swanky NEWEST INDUCTEES:
Meshi B

And let's not forget our certifiably genius CERTIFIABLE GENIUSES:

Lily Lou
I'd Rather Be in Dublin

Next up, the dashing and ever-so-decorous DAGGER AWARDS:

The "Yes, Colin. You Lose." Dagger Award is presented to (thom)as for: "Goodness." said Colin, mortified. "I would very much like that sweate-" "Quiet, Creevey." Hermione said distastefully. Colin retreated quietly. Hermione surveyed the room, grinning broadly. "Any idea how we can get the ball out, anyone? I'd like to see our good friend Dumbledore sectumsempra little Colin, but I think I'll let you guys figure it out." Harry raised his hand. "Maybe we can use wingardi-" "No spells, Harry. Just what we've got on hand." The crowd, as a whole, looked confused and annoyed. "What do we have on hand, Little Miss Thing?!" piped Ron. "A ping-pong paddle, a full water bottle, and our shoelaces." Ron added, "And our wands." "No. Not our wands." Ron threw his hands up. "This stuff is poppycock. I am so leaving." Harry joined him, and they both left the Great Hall. Hermione was still smiling, despite the minor outburst. "Alright. Anyone have a clue?" Not even Dumbledore seemed to get what Hermione was getting at. She sighed and started unscrewing the cap on the water bottle. "Thirsty?" asked Dumbledore politely. "No." "Then I don't get it." Hermione poured the water into the pipe, and the ball began to rise. "Why couldn't we have just used aguamenti?" asked Neville Longbottom. "Because, you silly little goose, I said no wands." "Who put YOU in charge?" asked Seamus Finnigan. Hermione didn't answer; she had again managed to turn most of the student body against her with her intelligent instigations. As she grabbed the ball, Dean Thomas asked smartly, "We didn't even NEED the paddle or the shoelaces." "Well, I guess I tricked you then, didn't I?" She threw the ball back to Colin. It hit him in the face and fell onto the floor. "I believe it's your serve." Colin picked up the ball and then walked back to the table. "Okay, we ready?" Dumbledore shrugged. "Okay." Colin served clumsily, and the ball fell right off the table. He watched the ball bounce around, and then turned his gaze back to Dumbledore. "Do I lose?" Dumbledore nodded, looking somewhat annoyed and disgusted. "Yes, Colin." Colin sighed and put down his paddle, and then proceeded to walk to his dormitory. The entire student body eyed him hatefully.

The "I Bet That Troll Used Rosetta Stone" Dagger Award is presented to InsaneRunningKid for comment 133

The "We Missed You Too" Dagger Award is presented to thewes6 for comment 93

The "Darren, The Berg, and Sirius Black; Now THAT'S A Triple Threat" Dagger Award is presented to mysticjadeshoe for comment 88

The "Smite Those Doubters, Yo!" Dagger Award is presented to TAMM!E for comment 87

The "'Because Shut Up'=Bulletproof Logic" Dagger Award is presented to sgtpepper191 for: The entire nation of Hogwarts (it's a country now, guys) gathers around the small metal pipe. Questions are flung around, questions like, "What's that pipe doing here?", "What the [CENSORED]?!", and "How many pickles did the penguin eat?" (But that last question is a riddle for another time.)
Harry and Ron began trying to make a sort of pulley system out of their shoelaces to get the ping pong ball up, but to no avail.  Their efforts were fruitless, and they were tired of it. 
"Our efforts are fruitless," Harry proclaimed.
"Yeah, and I'm tired of it!" Ron agreed. 
"Guys, it's pretty obvious what we have to do," Hermione snarked snarkily. "We have to use the water bottle."
Harry and Ron chuckled dismissively, along with most of the Hogwarts nation. (Except the Slytherins, who have a rule against chuckling.)
"Hermione, I think you're losing your touch," Dean Thomas called out from the crowd. "How could the water bottle possibly be useful?"
Hermione stepped forward in a bad-a** manner and took the water bottle from Colin Creevey's hands. "Watch and learn," she articulated, then poured the water into the pipe. Lo and behold, the ping pong ball floated on top of the water! Hermione used a quick Aguamenti charm to fill up the bottle again, then poured more water into the pipe to finish up the job. (She didn't just use Aguamenti right into the pipe because shut up.)
She plucked the floating ping pong ball from the pipe and handed it to Colin. The ping pong match that was then played was the final one. Colin won the day, but Dumbledore would later tell anyone who asked that he only lost because the ping pong ball was still wet. (It wasn't.)

The "Eating A Shoelace Out of Spite Is Right On The Money" Dagger Award is presented to shinyninja for: Ah, this problem, though interesting, is no match for the skillz of wizards in danger of losing a ping pong match.

1. Solution One- Using the water bottle, empty the water into the pipe, causing the ping pong ball to float up. Grab the ping pong ball. Throw the shoelace at a nearby wall or a close enemy's head.

2. Solution Two (just in case you didn't notice the number)- Blow into the pipe and grab the ping pong ball. This works with the same fluid displacement theory as the first solution. I'm also assuming that the pipe is both narrow and short. Finally, stomp on the shoelace and yell about how it was never there when it was needed.

3. Solution Three (you still may be overlooking the numbers)- Cut the bottom of the water bottle off. You may rip the bottle with you teeth if you're not allowed scissors. The (empty) bottle is placed over the rim of the pipe, making an exact and air-tight seal. Suck out all the air from the pipe. Grab the ping-pong ball because the pipe has formed a vacuum. Eat the shoelace because you're still upset that Mom made you learn how to tie your shoes instead of just using those awesome velcro light-up shoes. *cough*

The "Flitwick Is Gonna Just LOVE This" Dagger Award is presented to UpWithLovely for: Well, the answer is obvious, isn't it? You tear your shoelaces from your fancy kicks, and then yell "PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!" at the loveable, yet height-challenged, Professor Flitwick. For the most impressive effect (that will have the crowd ogling at you and throwing themselves at your feet from sheer IMPRESSMENT) this should be done in .02 seconds time. Here’s where you need to roll up your sleeves. Tie your sweet laces around the frozen professor’s ankle with a knot that would bring a tear to a boy scout’s eye. Say the countercurse for the spell (it was really just for show; wizards are all about the razzle dazzle) and lower that bad boy into the pipe. Use the paddle if needed to help push Flitwick into the pipe, all the while shouting things like “Grab the ball, Professor! For England!” and “You’re the only one for the job! You’ll be a hero!” and if you’re smart “Please don’t let this affect my grades!” Clearly that is how you’d save the day, as Flitwick is the only one who could just manage to fit into the pipe. You’re welcome, Hogwarts.

The "BIG OL' THANK YOU" Dagger Award is presented to rainfire113 for her adorably disguised well-wishes!

The "YOU. ARE. TOO. FUNNY." Dagger Award is presented to laura7dara for: PS: Before I looked at the post fully, the title got cut off, and I thought it said "Everybody Gets A Weasley." This would have been the most awesome thing in the world, with a little specification. Do we get one for a day? A week? Forever? Does this include all the Weasley boys, married or no? (Actually Bill, you seem so happy with Fleur, I'll let you off. And no one's splitting up Arthur and Molly. But everyone else is fair game.) Is Fred temporarily restored for this deal? Do I get to spend a day alternately splitting my sides and blushing furiously with the one and only Weasley Twins? Or perhaps use my edge as a slight Hermione lookalike on a day with Ron? Dodge dragons with Charlie? Or...

The "THAT BETTER BE RHETORICAL, DRACO. REMEMBER: DUMBLEDORE FOREVER." Dagger Award is presented to mrs.draco416 for: The real question is who would win in a ping-pong match: Dumbledore or Chuck Norris?

The "You And Aladdin Are A Match Made in Heaven" Dagger Award is presented to Varda93 for: Since it wasn't specified what the water bottle is filled with, I will assume that it is filled with a genie. So the first step is to rub the bottle three times. At this point a grouchy green genie will appear. You must ask him very nicely (he's particularly cranky after Ron tried to drink him) to get the ping pong ball out of the pipe. Since he is obligated by The Laws of the Water Bottle, he will get it out. I would suggest using the next wish to ensure success in the ping pong game and the final one for some truly scrumptious brownies. With chocolate chips!
Though if it's just boring water in the bottle, all you have to do is pour the water into the pipe. The ping pong ball will float to the top and you can grab it. But that's not nearly as exciting.

The "Harry Always Eats Everything Important" Dagger Award is presented to NarniaSparks for: All 849 wizards stared in befuddlement as England's last ping pong went down a tube in a solid block of concrete.
"Maybe placing that here was a bad idea," Ludo Bagman mused.
"Nevermind that! Accio it out already!" Colin screamed frantically, all his hopes for that sweater vanishing before him.
"No, no, no, Tiny Colin, you can't use magic during a Ping Pong World Championship!" Dumbledore said, petting his Phoenix.
"Can Fawkes get it out with her beak?" Colin asked, his eyes twitching.
"No. He just burst into flames," Albus said. "For knowing more about the way this game works than Colin, can I get an extra point?"
"NO!!!" the enraged Colin yelled, loud enough to wake the slumbering Rumblerore. "What have you got? Anyone? I need RESOURCES!"
As Draco hid hi ping pong magnet, Colin collected materials, but came up with only a ping pong paddle and a shoelace.
"I need something else!" Colin yelled with despair.
This is my time to shine, Neville thought. He stepped forward and said, "I've got a water bottle!"
Colin scurried to get it, filled the tube with water, and eagerly grabbed the ping pong ball as it rose to the top. "YES!" he yelled with glee.
Colin ran back to the table, threw up the ball to serve, and just as he was about to score the winning point against the unsuspecting Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter comes zooming in on his broom and, with the unerring eye of a seeker, swallows it.

The "Albus, You Tricky Old Fox, You!" Dagger Award is presented to Panhead4life for: The silence in the Great Hall was broken by Filch screaming at Peeves as he chased him out the door. Then a low rumbling of chatter arose as the spectators speculated about spectacular ways to fix the spectacle that the tournament had become. Unfortunately, no one could think of anything that would involve the paddle, shoelaces, and a bottle of water. Eventually, everyone turned to Dumbledore, for surely he would have a brilliant way to solve the problem. However, fearing an embarrassing defeat by Tiny Colin Creevey, Dumbledore said nothing and continued to let the bystanders try to solve the problem themselves. After several minutes of thoughtful silence, Tiny Colin Creevey stands up and shouts, "Eureka! I've got it!" He runs across the Great Hall to pick up the open water bottle in the corner, but when he is mere yards away, he steps on his untied shoelace, falls flat on his face, and his ping pong paddle comes flying out of his hand and knocks over the water bottle, emptying its contents completely.
After several more moments of stunned silence (why is this situation so silent? I have no idea. Stop asking so many questions!) Dumbledore rises and says, with a small smile, "Well, I suppose we won't be pouring the water into the pipe to float the ball to the top. Looks like we'll just have to call this one a draw, Mr. Creevey."

The "Remember When Shia LaBeouf Was In An Indiana Jones Movie? Yeah, Neither Do We." Dagger Award is presented to DontWorryBeHappy:) for: Clearly, you pour the water in the tube, BUT there might not be enough water to bring the ball all the way to the top. You might also have to fan the ping pong paddle furiously over the opening of the pipe to increase the pressure on the water and ping pong ball. When you stop, the sudden lack of pressure will cause the counter force to overcome the force of gravity briefly, and you can go all Indiana Jones and whip the ball out of the air as it pops out of the pipe, using the shoelaces.

I'm not completely sure about the physics involved in this scenario, but it's pretty awesome when I imagine it.

The "DEAD ON" Dagger Award is presented to gobsmacked for: This is my Oprah impersonation:
You get a Weasley sweater and YOU get a Weasley sweater!! Look under your seats! Everyone gets a Weasley sweater!!

The "Everything About This Is Righteously Awesome" Dagger Award is presented to TeenAuthorsForTheWin for: Colin and Dumbledore are tied, while Hermione loves the fact that Colin reminds her of a House-Elf, she's siding with the Great-Bearded-One this time around. Slowly, she stands up from her seat, as the crowd watches her gather her only bottle of water, untie her shoelaces, and grab Dumbles' paddle, Harry and Ron are enthralled with the sight before them.
'Mione unscrews the cap and first pours the water into the pipe very carefully, sweating almost as much as Chelsea Dagger on a cold winter's Day with the heat going. As soon as there isn't a drop left, Hermione 'I-will-cut-you' Granger takes her shoelaces and ties it to the end of the ping-pong paddle. What does this do? What does this mean? Double Shoelaces all the way? Ron is throughly confused as H-Grizzle takes both of the loose ends of the shoelaces and starts to weave them into a small basket on the end of the paddle. Looks like knitting all those scarves for the House Elves paid off.
Granger Danger carefully bends down and dips the paddle so the basket is angled and going towards the water. All Hermione Can't Draw has to do is catch the ball in the net and bring it back up. With bated breath, Hermione 'Diva is a Female Version of a Hustla' swings her hand, sending the ball into the net!
Victory! As she pulls the ball from the pipe, My-Oh-Knee turns around and throws her hands up into the air while screaming, 'FOR NARNIA AND FOR ASLAN!'

Oh and if you were wondering, Fang bounced in at the very end and ate the ball before Dumbly-Dore and CC could finish their game.

The "Your Sweater Is Being Sent By Pony Express" Dagger Award is presented to The_Red-Headed_League for: Well, this is a very tricky maneuver. First you should unscrew the lid of the water bottle, but keep the rest of the bottle closeby. It will come in handy later. Then use you wand to poke two holes on opposite sides of the lid, and add a few more small (whatever you do, NOT large) holes in the middle. Tie the ends of the shoelaces to the holes in the sides, so you can hold the opposite ends of the laces and see a cap dangling like a little boat at the bottom. Then, you put the cap down the metal tube, still holding the shoelaces, and with your other hand, pour water into the tube. The water will make the ping pong ball rise, but it won't rise high enough that you can stick your hand in a pull it out. You know that the tube is longer than you thought. Therefore, when the water is poured in, the ball will float, and the cap will not, because it has small holes in the bottom. You should try to make the ball sit in the cap, and then when you succeed, you pull the strings, and the ball will be sitting in the lid. GENIUS.

You're very welcome.
I'd like an argyle sweater please. With Dan Bergstein's full name printed on the front. Thank you muchly.

Last but not least: In the previous PBD post, Dagger complained that the lack of masterpieces in THE GALLERY D'ART was shameful; this week, you guys answered her challenge with vim, vigor, and RAD CARTOONZ, proving once and for all that, unlike Hermione, you CAN draw. A special shout-out goes to TAMM!E, whose pic was so utterly fantastic that we were compelled to use it as the main image for this post. HURRAY!

WOW. Just, WOW. Those were beautiful. Make sure to hit Test Prep up tomorrow for a brand new Think Tank!

Related post: PBD Archives

Topics: Life, Test Prep
Tags: phi beta dagger, dagger awards

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About the Author
Chelsea Dagger

Since 2010, Chelsea Dagger (known in real life as Chelsea Aaron) has been SparkLife's sweatiest editor. She's currently working on a how-to-kiss guide for teens, and when she's not conducting smooch-related research on her life-size Joseph Gordon-Levitt cardboard cutout, she's eating pancakes, stocking up on industrial-strength deodorant, and destroying everyone at Harry Potter trivia. (EXPECTO PATRONUM!)

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