Blogging Pride and Prejudice as if it Were a Teen Novel: Part 14

Volume of the Third, Chapters 5-8

Lizzy Bennet ends her vacation early and rushes home to be with her family. Her family is in shambles because her little sister Lydia went out for milkshakes with a handsome young man and never came back.

Actually, the Bennets don't really care about that. The real reason the collective Bennet thunderwear is in a wad is this: Lydia and Wickham haven't tied the knot on their Tour de Underpants. This means they could be doing unmarried mixing, which means Lydia is definitely a prostitute, which means the whole family is definitely a prostitute, which is really embarrassing.

And oh my god. Mr. Collins writes the Bennets a letter saying it would be better if Lydia were just dead. Dead? Dead??!??! DEAD!? DEAD!? DEAD!??! Has everyone gone completely INSANE?!

Teen Novel Rule #39: It's nice to reintroduce characters from the beginning of the book again at the end.

In this letter, Collins der CrazyPants waves his crazy sticks in the air and declares crazy pies for everyone from now until the crazypocalypse.

I am so glad Lizzy didn't marry that guy.

Lizzy's mom is also crazy-prone, and it's depressing. Instead of wanting to get her 15-year-old daughter away from the 30-year-old taking advantage of her, Mrs. B just hopes the two will finally get hitched so the Bennet reputation is saved. Barf nuggets! The only way I could possible like Mrs. Bennet now is if she were played by the greatest actor of all time, Jonah Hill.

If everyone is crazy, and there are so very many societal rules, is it even possible for Lizzy—or anyone—to get a happy ending? Well, yes. But it's not easy...

Basically, Lizzy's got to get her hands on Professor Moneychunks Darcy (as well as ignore the mysterious military occupation—hooray!) to have any shot at happiness. Of course, this seems impossible because her trampy sister has run off with Darcy's arch nem. Mr. Bennet even tells Lizzy that he messed up—he shouldn't have spent years ignoring Lydia's bad behavior, which includes flirting with soldiers, thumb-sucking in her sleep, and forgetting to flush when she goes number two.

But wait, something kinda good happens: Lydia and Wickham turn up at Mr. Gardiner's house in London! Mr. Gardiner tells Mr. Bennet that Wickham has asked for very little dowry. But the Bennets know that Wickham is a can of spoiled tuna and would never ask for anything but a massive dowry. They assume that Mr. Gardiner is lying to them—that Wickham does require a buttload of dollars to marry Lydia, and that the Gardiners are secretly paying Wickham to help save the Bennet name, because the Bennets can't afford it.

But I know better, because I'm a teen novel sleuth MACHINE. Also, because of this...

Teen Novel Rule #40: Give the protag (or his/her love interest) the opportunity to prove him/herself a hero at the end.

We're nearing the end zone, so it's time to pass the ball to Darcy. Are you getting my complicated football analogies? Do you see?

In the next chapter, chapter 8, Mr. Bennet stabs the counter with a butcher knife and declares that Lydia will not be welcome back home once she marries George Wickham, who will also be played by Jonah Hill. Everyone is like, "But Daaaaaad," and, "She'll live so far away with Wickham—we need to see her once before she moves!" and, "Don't let dad touch the cutlery again." Mr. Bennet finally says okay, Lydia can visit home with her worthless new hubby.

And somewhere in the shadows, Darcy blows a kiss.

Jane Austen Scorecard: Wins, 30; Losses, 10; Undecideds, 1

Am I on the right track with the whole Darcy thing? Will I ever finish this book? Are my rules bogus? Spew your guts in the comments!

For the complete set of teen novel rules, click here!

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