I'm a Professional Santa-Tracker

We were like "No more Santa nuggets!" but Claire-de-Lune convinced us to publish this with her convince-y convinciness. Also, SHE TRACKS SANTA! —Sparkitors

I know, I know. The holidays are over, so it’s time to stop having Christmas-y articles on SparkLife.  HOWEVER, I'm offering you a once-in-a-lifetime look inside the NORAD Tracks Santa call center operations. Some of you might have heard of NORAD Tracks Santa before, but for those of you who haven’t, here’s a brief overview: 364 days a year, NORAD (which replaced a similar operation called CONAD) works as a bi-national military defense command center for the United States and Canada, but on Christmas Eve, instead of tracking terrorist threats, NORAD tracks Santa. They have a website that kids can visit on Christmas Eve, and they also have a call center where kids can call in.

Thousands of volunteers, mostly military personal and their families, take the calls and answer questions about good old St. Nick. This year, even Michelle Obama helped out! After a few years of working there myself, I’ve complied some of the best question and comments I (and some of my family and friends) have ever gotten.

Most Common Question: Where is Santa?/When will he get to [insert kid’s house here]?

Some Funny Responses:

• After I answer the phone with a cheerful, "Hello! This is Claire with NORAD Tracks Santa.  How may I help you?": "Claire is my cat’s name!"

• After I told a little girl that Santa was in Chile: "But why is Santa going out to eat? I left him milk and cookies!"

• After I told a boy that Santa was in a country in South America: "Oh, no!  Guys, guys, we need to go to bed right now!" (hangs up phone)

So Sweet And Sad At The Same Time It Made Me Want To Cry Award:

Kid: When is Santa going to get to Afghanistan?

Me: Um…It looks like Santa’s already been to Afghanistan, but he always doubles back if someone wasn’t asleep.

Kid: (yelling at someone sitting next to him) Guess what?! Dad’s already seen Santa!

Glad I Could Help Award:

When kids ask when Santa will get to their house, we’re supposed to say that he’ll arrive sometime between 9 and 12pm, but he’ll only come if everyone is asleep. Thus...

Woman: My 3-year-old wanted to know when Santa was coming to our house.

Kid in Background: SANTASANTASANTASANTASANTA!!!!!!!!

Me: Um…(deciding to stray from the script) He’ll arrive between the hours of eight and eleven.

Woman: Oh, bless you. (To kid, very excited) Honey, the military says that you need to go to bed at eight!

Way To Be a Jerk:

At one point, my dad got a teenager who called over and over again, trying to find someone who would admit that Santa wasn’t real. After a while, my dad just said, “Well, you’re just a hopeless pinhead.”

And the Funniest Response Ever:

"So…I think this is a wrong number, because I’m betting that you’re not the girl from Ted’s party last night."

Okay, so Christmas is over for another year, and not all the calls I got were this amusing, but it’s still a lot of fun to work at NORAD Tacks Santa. Next year, you should get your little siblings and/or cousins to call in… at the very least, we’ll tell them to go to bed!

What would you ask a Santa-tracker?

Related Post: A Sparkler's Letter to Santa