Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 28
Chapter Twenty-Eight: Future
Better Title: They Grow Up So Fas…Oh, She's Dead Already.
Let's back up a bit and cover some of the story from the previous chapter that I glossed over in my Christmas Poem. (It was too hard to rhyme "South America" with "Bella makes me want to vomit from my ears.")
In chapter 27, the plot fast forwards three months. In that time, baby Optimus Beyonce has grown significantly. She can talk, read, and probably write, though her preferred mode of communication is slapping someone on the face and shoving her mind-thoughts into that person's brain. How is this easier than talking?
WAITRESS: Hello. My name is Pippie, and I'll be your server. Can I start you off with any drinks?
OPTIMUS: [Slaps waitress in the face]
WAITRESS: Ouch! And, for some inexplicable reason, I now know that you want root beer.
Things are going smoothly for Bella until she receives a note from the Volturi that both congratulates her and Edward, and also hints at a possible visit sometime soon. The bad vamps want to make sure Bella is a vampire, and will stop by Forks to check on things. Bella, worried that the Volturi will find out about Optimus and take the baby away, chooses to go to Italy alone to meet with Aro and the gang. Because she's more perfect than a sunset made of mermaids, Aro can't read her mind, so if she's by herself, it will be easier to keep the baby a secret.
With me so far?
Meanwhile, Irina shows up. You remember her, right? Of course you don't. Stephenie Meyer has a habit of introducing a character with a single sentence, and then expecting the reader to remember that sentence eighteen books later. Irina is part of Tanya's group, who live up in Alaska. Tanya is a good vampire (remember, Roy G. Biv), but Irina dated Laurent, the somewhat evil vampire who was friends with James. James tried to kill Bella way back in book one, when I was a happy person who thought nothing of the word "loam."
Irina is pissed at the Cullens because the werewolves killed Laurent, and then the Cullens teamed up with the werewolves to fight the newborn vampires in the last book. It all sounds more exciting and involved when I summarize it.
Irina is coming to town to make amends with the Cullens. (Or so we think.) Bella spots Irina in the woods while hunting with Optimus and Jacob. Irina sees Bella being friendly with a werewolf and runs away.
That sets things up for chapter twenty-eight. It begins with everyone trying to find Irina, but it's no use. She ran fast. Tanya doesn’t know where she went, and Alice can't see Irina's future because Alice is a horrible character who makes as much sense as my 8-year-old cousin's explanation of Inception. (She thinks it was about communism, macaroni and cheese, and technology addiction.)
With Irina gone, Bella focuses on preparing for her solo trip to Italy. When she returns from Italy, she will travel with Edward, Carlisle, and Jacob to South America for some research regarding vampire/human hybrid babies.
I probably forgot to mention this part in my holiday poem, but Carlisle thinks they will find some answers and explanations for Optimus Beyonce's growth spurt by going down south and looking up local legends and myths regarding vampires. Seemingly out of nowhere, Bella tells us that Carlisle has friends in the Amazon who might be able to help.
Really? How freaking convenient. Gee, why didn't Carlisle do some of this investigative work months ago, while Bella was pregnant? Or couldn't the other vampires do some of this legwork? Surely there was some time for research during the past three months while Esme was busying watching TV, Jasper was busy counting carpet fibers, Alice was busy thinking about trees, Rosalie was busy looking at her own fingers, and Emmett was busy building a rifle that uses bullets made of pure fear.
What the hell do the Cullens do all day?! Answer me, Ms. Meyer! Answer me or I will pick your name out of the hat for next year's Secret Santa and then instead of spending the $25 we all agreed on, I will only spend $15 on your gift and use the rest to buy pizza. And then you won't get your full present. Ha! And I will laugh in your face with my pizza breath! Do you want that? Is that what you want? I'm not playing around any more. That's what you'll get if you don't TELL ME WHAT THE HELL THE CULLENS DO ALL DAMN DAY!
So, Carlisle has helpful Amazonian vampire friends who will explain human/vampire hybrid babies and ensure Optimus Beyonce's health and well-being. I'm sure the Cullens and Jacob will show up, and the Amazon vampire, probably named Joey, will say, "Oh, the secret to vampire/human hybrid babies is that you need to tap their bellybuttons eight times or else they will continue to grow fast forever and ever."
I have no idea what Carlisle expects to find. Is there some sort of "Vampire/Human Hybrid for Dummies" book that is only located in an Amazonian Library? Couldn’t he just make a few phone calls? Or send Esme? Oh, that's right. Esme is busy pondering the color green all month. She's ever so helpful. (Sarcasm hand.)
OK, let's recap. First Bella will go to Italy. Then she will go to South America. Meanwhile, Irina showed up for mysterious reasons. In a book that so far has been as engaging and story-driven as a Taco Bell receipt, the sudden influx of plot is giving me whiplash, indigestion, and a cavity. I understand the Italy trip wasn't expected, and Irina's arrival was a surprise to everyone, but the trip to South America makes me laugh violently.
Why have they waited so long to learn more about vampire/human hybrids? Perhaps Bella tried to get some answers months ago:
BELLA: Our baby is growing fast. We should do something. Find out what's going on with her biology.
CARLISLE: Eh. I wouldn't worry about it. She's growing so fast that she's probably going to die by the end of the week. I hope you didn't name her. You don't want to grow too attached.
BELLA: What? Why don't we try to help her??
CARLISLE: I have friends in the Amazon who know exactly what to do, but…
BELLA: But what!?
CARLISLE: If we get down there and the baby is already dead, then it's, like, a wasted trip. See what I mean? We should just wait this out. I've already made a casket out of some discarded luggage, just in case.
BELLA: My baby is going to die and you're not going to do anything?
CARLISLE: Ugh. Fine. Whatever. Maybe I can go to the Amazon in a few months.
BELLA: We should go now! Before it's too late!
CARLISLE: Oof…That ain't going to work. Esme is busy right now playing online checkers, and Jasper was planning to decorate his sneakers with a pen. That'll take a few months.
BELLA: I don't believe this.
CARLISLE: Maybe in the spring we'll go to South America, if the baby isn't dead yet. If it is dead, then we go to Disney World. Deal?
Alice is having trouble seeing the future because Jacob is going on the trip. She also can't see Bella's trip to Italy very clearly because Alice is a character who makes as much sense as wooden socks.
As everyone prepares, Alice messes around with a flower vase and suddenly drops it. The blank-faced Alice has seen the future, and it isn't good. Yay!
After some confusing conversations, both oral and mental, we learn that the Volturi are coming to Forks. They're not sending one or two vampires, but the entire Volturi kingdom. They'll all arrive in about a month. Aro, Caius, and Marcus (giggle) will lead the others in a war march against the Cullens. Yes! Yes! Yes! I can't wait to see Marcus driving his Marcus-Mobile.
It's a good thing Marcus is coming. He will probably pin down Edward and then scream, "Did you know Natalie Portman has a crush on Mark Ruffalo? Did you?! Answer me!!!" Marcus is my favorite. If they made a Marcus action figure, I wouldn't buy it, because that would be a silly waste of money. But I would put it in my online shopping cart and leave him there for a few minutes before clicking "Remove item from cart."
The always perfect Cullens aren't sure why all of the Volturi want to stop by Forks. After a lot of needless talk, Bella realizes what we all figured out about 50 pages ago: Irina was spying on the Cullens for the Volturi, and ratted to them about the existence of Optimus Beyonce.
It is forbidden to turn a baby into a vampire. (Though dating one has never been an issue, because the vampires, like the rest of the world aside from perverts, never thought that was a concern.) The Volturi's strict rule is punishable by death. But rules regarding vampire/human hybrid babies are vague, so this whole thing is one big misunderstanding.
Bella freaks out. She wants to protect her baby. Alice tries to determine when the Volturi will strike, but can't get a clear image because her powers make as much sense as brick socks.
Emmett says they should fight. Sure, they're outnumbered, but who cares?
Emmett's here! Hi Emmett! Hey Emmett, if you slapped a polar bear and then ate it, you should say, "That's one delicious Slappy Meal!" Wouldn't that be funny? That's funny, right? Maybe I can write quips for you when you go hunting. Wouldn't it be funny if Esme adopted me and then we'd be brothers? That's so funny. That's really silly of me to even type. I was just messing around. Haha…that was a fun goof we just had, huh? Anyway, have a happy new year. Oh, and what is Esme's email address? I want to ask her about something.
Emmett thinks if they ask some of their friends to help out, it might be possible to stall the Volturi army long enough to explain that Optimus isn't a baby who was turned into a vampire, but instead a human/vampire hybrid. Once the Volturi understand that Optimus isn't a threat to vampire culture, and they all see how adorable she is, the war will end with a big group hug. The only problem is finding enough friends to help stall the Volturi.
This leads to a hilarious rundown of all the vampires who are friends of the Cullens. Some of them, like Tanya and Siobhan, I remember, but others are just names to me. It's my job to read this book closely, but I guess I messed up. I've never heard of the Amazon vampires. I have no clue who "Garret and Mary" are. And the name "Elezar" sounds familiar, but that might be because I took a class over the summer called Ridiculous Names Shoddy Authors Give to Vampires. (I got an A on the midterm when I suggested "Danthew.")
During the rundown of allies, I was hoping to find "Robocop" or "Emmett's adopted twin brother Dan Bergstein," but was left disappointed.
This plan could work. If these nice vampires line up and yell, "Stop! Before you kill this baby, you should know that she's a human/vampire hybrid and she's cute," that will end all problems.
Hate to be that guy who always picks things apart, but this plan makes as much sense as Alice's powers, which make as much sense as glass socks.
If I read this correctly, they need only explain Optimus to the Volturi. Once that happens, the Volturi will not want to kill the baby, and the world will be happy. Right? So why don't they just send them a letter explaining things? Mail too slow? Make a YouTube video. Or…and this is crazy…call them on the telephone.
I know! What was I thinking? That's so stupid. I'm such an idiot. I'm sure there's a good reason why they can't call the Volturi. Yep, the idea of flying in friends from all over the globe to stand in a line in the woods and then shout in unison is much better than making a phone call.
I'm so stupid.
The chapter ends with Jacob returning to the Cullen house and asking why everyone is so uptight. Bella says, "It's over. We've all been sentenced to death."
Murmurs: 1 (Book total: 68)
Mutters: 0 (Book total: 40)
And for those paying attention, I forgot to add the Murmur/Mutter count in the last blog. But there were 0 murmurs and 0 mutters in Chapter 27. It was a Christmas miracle.
The chapter picks up immediately where the left chapter ended.
JACOB: Sentenced to death? Why?
BELLA: The Volturi are coming. They know about the baby. They will kill all of us.
EDWARD: Our only hope is to get all of our friends together, and explain to the Volturi that Optimus isn't a real vampire baby but instead some sort of God Baby.
JACOB: Um…that doesn't make any sense.
EDWARD: Yeah-huh! It makes a lot of sense because we're vampires and we always make sense!
JACOB: Aro can read minds if he touches you, right? Optimus can send Mind-Thoughts into someone's brain by touching them too, right? So the moment Aro touches Optimus, everything will be explained and it will all end in a group hug.
CARLISLE: That will never work. It makes far too much sense.
ESME: I just counted to 6 billion! I'm such a busy lady.
JACOB: Plus, the Volturi aren't arriving for another month. By then, Optimus will be the size of a 5th grader. Surely the Volturi will see she's not a vampire baby. Honestly, this whole thing makes as much sense as sandpaper socks or my romantic relationship with a toddler.
OPTIMUS: Mother dear, would you be so kind as to change my diap-diap? I seemed to have soiled it once again. I do apologize for this sudden, yet unavoidable interruption. Perchance one day soon I shall learn to use the Big Girl Potty to perform my "necessary." Until then, please wash my backside.
QUIL: For Christmas, I gave my girlfriend a $300 charm bracelet which she fed to the cat. She gave me a piece of construction paper with big glob of glitter glue in the middle.
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