Chapter Twenty-Seven: Travel Plans
Better Title: Your Baby Is Broken. Fix it.
The Twilight Before Christmas
By Daniel Adam Bergstein
'Twas days before Christmas, when all through the house
Dan was still stirring, like a caffeinated mouse.
He paced and he hollered, he yelped and he cried,
"This book makes no sense. I shall toss it outside!"
He marched down the stairs and out the front door.
He stomped through the yard, as if going to war.
Over the fence he did hop, then ran down the street.
He moved with such speed, you could not see his feet.
The cold wind was harsh and his feet filled with ache.
But he finally arrived at his great Thinking Lake.
He looked deep in the water and held the book high.
"I will drown you, you book. And then you will die!"
Then a wind gusted, as the branches did sway.
High up in the air was a man in a sleigh.
Dan lowered his arms, to see if it was true.
"Santa?! It's Santa! And the reindeer came too!"
The sled landed with grace right next to Dan.
Out jumped jolly Santa and a very small man.
"Are you an elf?" Dan asked the man with a smile.
"Duh," said the elf, as that was his style.
The elf took out his cell phone and played Angry Birds,
While Dan and St. Nick shared some deep words.
Santa looked at Dan's hands and said with a sigh,
"Is that the dear book that you wanted to die?"
Dan nodded his head and Santa did huff,
"It's just a book, Dan. Don't worry 'bout such stuff.
There are children without toys and books this year,
Be glad that a silly novel is your only fear."
Dan balled up his fists and yelled with great fury,
"You don't understand! It's about the Volturi!
This chapter is goofy, the plot ill-defined.
Bella's going to Italy? Alone? Agrh!" he whined.
"And what of the baby that is now older than me?
She can read, and talk, and her name is Renesmee!
Where did she learn to read English so well?
Did Pregnant Bella once eat a literacy spell?"
"The Volturi send a letter; they want to see Belly.
But where were they last month? Buying robes in New Delhi?
They congratulate Bella and Eddie for tying the knot.
They just happen to show interest when it fits the plot?"
"But they know not of Nessie and her magical way.
Bella fears they'll find out and then take her away.
So Bella will go alone to their evil castle in Eur-ope.
This plan makes as much sense as my idea for fur soap."
"Irina shows up in Forks; I don't know what she wants.
Bella sees the grumpy vamp during one of her hunts.
So on top of all of the recent Volturi crap,
We must deal with 'Rina too?" Dan continued his rap.
"I thought Irina was nice, one of Tanya's crew.
But…whatever. I don't care. I hate it. I'm through.
It took 500 pages to get to the story,
And I have a feeling it will not be very gory."
"The last pages will be dull, boring, and lame.
It will not end with war but will be super tame.
No one will die. No one will be hurt.
I'm guessing it ends with Emmett wearing a skirt."
"I hate this book, Santa. I hate it so much.
I can't stand its words, its smell, or its touch.
I will drown the book now, and then I will be freed!
AND HOW THE HELL DOES A BABY LEARN HOW TO READ?!?"
Santa looked at poor Dan as he cried on the ground.
He pitied the man and then gazed all around.
A lesson was to be learned on this fateful night.
Santa told Dan, "I shall grant you one wish to make everything right."
Dan sucked back his tears and looked up at the wizard.
The snow was falling hard, the start of a blizzard.
"One wish?" Dan said with a smile that was twisted.
"I wish that Twilight had never existed!"
Santa clapped his gloved hands and sparks sprang forth.
He was made of the pure magic found way up in the North.
"Your wish has been granted," Santa said joylessly.
"But you may not be as happy as you thought you'd be."
Dan laughed, sang, and danced with joy unbound.
But when he got home, he didn’t like what he found.
His Facebook page was empty, not a single friend.
And there were no comments on the articles he penned.
His life was less happy; it could be felt in the air.
He would write many things, but no one would care.
Without Twilight around to mock and to mangle,
Dan was as creative and funny as a 90-degree angle.
He wrote about wood, history, math, and such boring things.
He never pondered the taste of Pegasus wings.
"Would they taste like birds, or more like a horse?"
That's something only the old Dan could write, of course.
His work was beyond stale, without a hint of fun.
His Twitter followers dwindled, until there were none.
"Santa, come back," Dan said to his shoes.
"The wish that I wished I no longer choose."
"I've been a bad man. I've made some mistakes."
I want Twilight back. Whatever it takes!"
When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter,
Dan thought it was a robot kissing a ladder.
Santa was out on the driveway, but he wasn't alone.
The elf was there too, still using his phone.
Santa hopped out of the sled and shouted to Dan,
"I'll take back your wish because I'm a nice man!"
"You've learned your lesson, I hope," Santa said with a wave.
And Dan shouted back, "I promise I will behave.
I'll cherish every book, no matter how awful.
And can I trade back my last wish to get a nice waffle?"
And that Christmas Day, Dan ate waffles and pie,
Until Santa said, "Later," and flew up into the sky.
Dan loved Twilight now more than ever before.
He went back to work eagerly, spotting "Murmurs" galore.
The Sparklers are wonderful; SparkNotes feels like home.
You all make me smile, when I'm out on the loam.
I want to thank each of you, but I don't know how.
So I'll say Merry Christmas to all! You are my life now!
The next chapter will be stupid but I will not care.
Twilight is funny, like guys with fake hair.
I shall not whine again about trivial things.
And seriously, what would you taste when you eat Pegasus wings?
We love you, Dan; please blog forever.
You make us happier than crackers with cheddar.
Now if you'll excuse us, we just realized
It's time to go stalk the Twilight archives.