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Interview With A Sparkler, Round: None of Us Are Going Platinum Any Time Soon

Interview With A Sparkler, Round: None of Us Are Going Platinum Any Time Soon

By Chelsea Dagger

It's become painfully apparent that despite all of our best efforts (we had a righteous jam session in the copy room one time), none of us Sparkitors have the chops to make it big in the music world. We lack the necessary talent, the essential "it" factor, and, most importantly, the crucial ability to rock horribly unflattering tight leather pants. (Do you have any idea how SWEATY Chelsea Dagger would get in those things?!) Fortunately for us and our pathetic failed dreams, all of YOU are destined to become outrageously famous. How do we know? We feel it in our bones. Plus, your answers to last week's question were so baaadddd ("bad" means "good" in the world of rock 'n' roll, guys. HELLO) that we're convinced you'll be smashing successes someday soon. And when that day comes, we plan to live vicariously through you—and you should probably throw a jumbo jet in our direction for helping to get you started. Speaking of jumbo jets, did someone say BIRTHDAY SHOUT-OUTS?!?! (Just go with it.)

Rubinne: December 17
sam—likes—ham's mom: December 19
kiwiatheart: December 11
super_deluxe's little sister: January 11
blinkychick369: December 11
hlucero06: January 7
CrayonsPink: December 12
tennislvr13: December 20
radishcal: December 27
i_is_happy: January 23

And now, our favorite answers to last week's question, If you had a world-famous band, what would it be called, and what would be the name of your most popular song?

DontWorryBeHappy:): THIS IS THE BEST QUESTION EVER. I always think of phrases and I'm like, "That would be the best band/cd/song name!"

The most memorable instance was when I was shopping with my mom. We were looking for a Christmas present for my cousin in the toy section and we were basically going in circles, so I was all, "Mommm..... We've been down this aisle before."
*light bulb*
"Hey Mom. Wouldn't that make a great CD title?"
Mom - "What?"
"We've Been Down This Aisle Before!"
Mom - "...Sure."
So anyways. My band name would be The Confetti Cannons, our most popular CD would be "We've Been Down This Aisle Before", and the number one song would be "Searching".
Well, that was a major insight into the workings of my mind...

livelifeloud93: *thinks* Got it!
My band would be called Two Seconds Too Late (sweet name, huh?), and the song would be "Why the Hell Won't Dan Bergstein Marry Me?!" Then my band would travel the solar system (because we'd be awesome like that) and we'd be regulars at Santa Claus' crib, and I'd have a unicorn named Phil which I would give to Dan, who would cry at my feet, and ask me to marry him. We'd live happily ever after, and Dan would feed me marshmallows (like the ones in Lucky Charms) and all would be well.
But then I'd have to change the name of the song. @$#* Oh well.

SuperNinjaQueen: Sparkitors, this is not a hypothetical situation. Someday, I WILL be the lead singer/guitarist of the most famous band in the world, and I will have mass crowds of minions for me to command and we will take over the world!!! MWAHAHA! *ahem* I mean, I have lots of people show up at concerts from whom I make lots of monies and then I can BUY THE WORLD!!! MWAHAHA! *crickets chirp* yeah...

Band name: Just Your Average Rejects or the Ferbots [Phineas and Ferb reference, FTW!]
Most popular album name: Bulletproof
#1 Hit Song: (I Am) My Worst Enemy
I've thought this out way too deeply...

flyergirl13: My band would be called "Sparklers Unite". And every single Sparkler could be in it if they wanted, and we would all be happy. We would have a few hours each day set aside for reading SparkLife. Our Number One Song would be a really really sad song called "Life Without SparkLife". It would slow and sad and all the listeners would love it but be in tears by the end.
Dan Bergstein would be our manager and Chelsea Dagger could be our motivator. And Auntie can be our Spiritual Guru to go to for advice. And it would be amazing.

Superhero001: My band would be called 'We Once Had Mustaches', and our hit song would be entitled 'To the Monsters', off our EP album 'But We Lost Them'.
We'd all wear Mustaches onstage during tours. (Shh, it's ironic!)

FashionCat: My band's namewould be Awkward Situation, as anything situation would become delightfully awkward when our music plays. Our hit song would be called "This Song Will Probably Define The Generation", and it'd be a dramatic seven-number that involves a 2 minute banjo solo, lots of chanting, and glitter. Glitter everywhere.

pullingpuzzles: Oh SparkLife, don't you know I already have a world famous band? Yeah, we have 12 facebook fans. 12. And it's not even like half of that number are just the band members or anything.But if I were to ever leave my already awesome band I would be in.......gah....I have no creativity left in me for today. I can't come up with something good.
Band Name: Creatively Drained

Album Name: Monotony

Song Name: Added Excitement (Blah Hoorah)
I bet hipsters would love this music, they'd stand motionless at our concerts. So cool.

NarniaSparks: My band would be called Untitled and our hit song would be Track 07, and whenever someone heard it and tried to discover its name, they'd just see track 07 by untitled on Shazam. Then they'll be heartbroken, spend a few hours rocking back and forth in the fetal position, and slowly go insane at the prospect of never again hearing my harmonious voice. And it will all be because of me! Man, I'm cool.

travelwriter21: My band would be called Out of Time, so at the end of all our concerts and interviews we could say "Thank you! We're Out of Time!"
Our most popular song would be called Slightly Unhinged (But We Like it That Way), from our hit album Big Mistakes and Banana Snakes, and we'd play alt. rock.

To mess with people, each tour would be themed a different time period, but we'd totally ignore the theme except for one concert (which we'd pick randomly and then keep which one it would be a secret) during which we'd dress in clothes from that era and speak in the style of that time period. It would be awesome.

sgtpepper191: My band would be called Insomnia Smoothies, and our hit song would be "Teenage Angst and Hot Chocolate."
We'd make millions. No, BILLIONS.

sexyninja17: AHAHAHAH. Think outside the box. PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! 
I think of this EVERY SUGARPLUMMING DAY. 
So, this is what i got.
My band would be called The Super Duper Cheesy Cheeseballs.
Not to turn anyone away or anything, we wouldn't be like, super duper cheesy of anything. KOFF. >.>
Our hit song would be titled "On Top Of My Cheeseball"

peaceonearth34: My band would be called Sparklife, so that would automatically make it awesome.
Our hit song would be "Nerds Using Fancy Words"

stupid_nickel: My band's name would be "The Traveling Giraffes" and our #1 hit song would be called "Baby, You're Like A Giraffe (And Giraffes, They're Pretty Cool)" We would go platinum in 1 week (do people still go platinum?) and make billions of dollars and then Dan Bergstein would fall madly in love with me and then i would force Smeyer to write a book called "Failure, The Smeyer Edition" and she would cry and i would laugh and then go party with my husband Dan, Emmet, E-rock, Ben, and some jet-packing werewolves and live happily ever after while Smeyer was forever stuck as a chew toy for Cerberus!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!! *coughcoughGASP* sorry, got a little carried away....

Karinja!: Pfft? Think hard? I've been thinkin' about this since I picked up my...VIOLA, which totally rocks harder than a guitar anyday. The band is OBVIOUSLY to be called "The Karinja's!" and our most popular song (assuming our audience has a brain) is OBVIOUSLY called "Sparkling Sparkler Sparkitors" (assuming glittering vampires aren't on anyone's mind) and starts a lil' something like this:
[slow cello and drum start]

Welcome to the SparkLife.

[rockin' electric violins and violas start rockin']

Dan Bergstein is apart of the Sparklife,

Chelsea Dagger is apart of the Sparklife,

Auntie Sparknotes is apart of the Sparklife!
Every day, every hour,

Sparking forward, lightning power

Be active, be inspired,

Think Tankin' and brains on fire

Sparklers Sparklers make it GLOW

Sparkling Sparklers yeah we KNOW

We will laugh, we will love,

We'll survive the Apocalypse!

Don't you see we are the NEXUS

Go ahead and try to TEST US
Yeah we know it all and our DAN is better than yours,

and our SMEYER is better than yours,

and our EMMET is better than yours,

and our AUNT is better than yours,

and our NOTES
and our SPARK

and our NOTES

and our SPARK

better than yours..
We are the Sparkitors!
...Ok maybe I typed more of the song than necessary X.x

rainfire113: My band, inspired by my history teacher, would be Sir Francis Drake and the Sea Dogs. Look it up 
Our hit song would be, um..."What's Armada Wit' You?"
Dang it feels good to be a nerd.

willutakemehome: Easy.
Band Name: Flish + Swick & the Rock Maninoffs (with guest star Billy Shakespeare)
Biggest Hit: Girls Just Wanna Be Homosexual Men
Story behind band name: My friend and I were talking about Harry Potter and Wingardium Leviosa!! And I was trying to say "Swish and Flick!" but said "Flish and Swick!" instead. I proceeded to laugh and say that that would be a good band name (I'm Flish, she's Swick). I originally thought that Rachmaninoff's first name was Rock and last name was Maninoff. And then my friend just added "Billy Shakespeare". YES.
Runner-up band names: The Kamikaze Squirrels (what my mother calls those rodents which run in front of our car as if they want to be run over), The Literary Devices, Finch & the Mockingbirds, The Cleverspecs, The White Collared Monkeys, David and the Tenants
Sadly, no one ever wants to start a band with me D:

super_deluxe: My band would be one of those scweet bands that makes fun of Jay-Beibs or, like, the Joh-Bros. You know?

Band name: A Big Pile of Cooler Than You

Album name: Better Than You

Song name: You Suck. Clearly, I'm one of the nicer band members.

joywriter18: my band would probably be called "our singer is soulless", because alas, i'm redheaded.
 The title of our most famous song would be "SPF 90 or die" 
that's right, gingers for the win.

CharlieHoops1: We would be called the Devil Dogs. Our hit single would be called "Pamphagous Pony."
pampagous: adj. eating or consuming everything. (See savethewords.org.)

ishouldbedoinghomework: My band is Harry and the Potterheads. Our most popular song on our multi-platinum hit CD Expecto Patronum is "Don't Go Breakin' My Horcruxes."

Saraha!: Band: The Federalist Papers
Album: No. 10
Song: "Hamilton Should Stop Taking Credit (For Madison's Work)"

fridayfrost: Band: Hey Everybody, Watch Me Do A Backflip

Greatest Hit: Somebody Call An Ambulance
what.

IAmEternal: My Band: The Insomniacs

Album: Sleepless in the Southwest
Songs:
1. Lying Awake (Still Thinking of You)

2. Party Like It's 3 A.M.

3. Brown Blood-Shot Eyed Girl

4. Sprinkle Me Sandman

5. You Keep Me Up All Night (Darn English Essay)

shenanigous-shenanigans: My band would be called: We Really Couldn't Think of Anything.
 And we'd sing deep songs about teenage angst and how as teenagers our minds are controlled by our parents and our teachers, and everyone would think our band name was some sort of message like: "We can't think of anything because we are not allowed to think freely!" But it would really mean: "We're to lazy to think of a good band name. Whoopsies." 
Our best selling album? It would be called: A Collection of Songs.
Yeah.
 And our number one, chart smashing, world record breaking hit? I Met The Doctor in Hogwarts Playing the Guitar with Darren Criss as Nathan from Misfits killed Voldemort. And Also Kurt and Brittany from Glee were there.
 And the chorus would go something like this:

You probably thought this song was going to be awesome.

Unfortunately that was a lie, like when an opossum plays dead.

Feel free to talk amongst yourselves while we're playing

But if you're alone you probably are praying that this will end soon

Darren Criss once ate a bagel

Just thought I'd throw that in there.
And then it would continue in an angsty and sad fashion.

I've thought this through too much...

Haley D: It would be called "Your Mom", or possibly "Your Face", so people could be like,
"Who's this by?"
"Your Mom."
(Insert Confusion)
Yeah. Soooo. And our most popular song would be called "Famous Last Words". It would consist mostly of "Watch this!", "Hold my beer.", "Can to!", and "He's really quite friendly. He doesn't bite. No, really. Watch. ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!"

royalwithin: Your comment was too long to repost, but we just HAD to give you a shout-out for being entirely BRILLAINT!

rebelwaffles: Band Name: Your Worst Nightmare

Most Popular Song: Miley Potter

summerful: The band would be called: The Procrastinators
And our album would be called: We *Would've* Titled This Album...
And our hit song: We Hate Deadlines (Including this one)

aleyna22: Except we wouldn't make that much money, because whenever someone tried to buy songs, CDs, or merchandise, we'd never really get around to selling it to them

I'm so glad you asked this question.
Being the only girl (a kickass drummer, of course) in an otherwise all-guy grunge band is Plan B in my Life Plan. (Plan A, if you must know, is where I move to England, create an alter ego, become a famous author, then kill her off and move back to Georgia like nothing ever happened.)
So anyways...
I think I'd name my band Death By Stereo. Only because it's the best line from The Lost Boys, that's why.
I don't suppose we'd have a hit song. We'd be one of those bands who aren't appreciated in their time, one of those bands that play in smoky underground clubs to angsty college kids.

Either that or the Sparkitors finally finish my time machine and we go back in time and do some sick shows with Nirvana and Alice in Chains. Either one works for me.

We're still working on that time machine, aleyna. Any day now...hold on, wait a second, is this an opportunity for a LEGITIMATE SEGUE?! Yes, it is, and we are going to use it:

If you had a time machine, what day, year, moment, or era would you go back to, and WHY?

So many possibilities, so little...er, time? That was dumb. HOPEFULLY YOUR ANSWERS WON'T BE. Don't forget to mention if your birthday in on the horizon!

Related posts: Interview With a Sparkler archives


Topics: Life, The Internets
Tags: sparklers, comments, ridiculous things, funny things, interview with a sparkler

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About the Author
Chelsea Dagger

Since 2010, Chelsea Dagger (known in real life as Chelsea Aaron) has been SparkLife's sweatiest editor. She's currently working on a how-to-kiss guide for teens, and when she's not conducting smooch-related research on her life-size Joseph Gordon-Levitt cardboard cutout, she's eating pancakes, stocking up on industrial-strength deodorant, and destroying everyone at Harry Potter trivia. (EXPECTO PATRONUM!)

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.