Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 26
Chapter Twenty-Six: Shiny
Better Title: …there are no words for this.
How? Why? Who? Where? If? When? But? Why? Why? Why? Why?
This can't happen. Not again. How can a book hurt me so much? Why do words hold so much power? I don't care that it's freezing outside. I just want to be able to feel…something. Thinking Lake, here I come. Before going into the bitter cold, I should explain my depressed mood and tear-stained cheeks, neck, chest, and legs.
First, the good news: Emmett has more to do in this chapter than he does in the entire book series, and unlike Emmett's previous adventures, we actually get to see the mighty vampire in action.
Now, the bad news: He loses an arm wrestling match…to Bella.
Now, the worse news: The book doesn't end.
The chapter begins with Charlie still reeling from the news that his daughter is a mystery beast. And by "reeling," I mean he's watching a lot of TV. He says they should keep Bella's supernatural state a secret from Bella's mom, but aside from that observation, he's perfectly OK with his daughter's monster makeover. He doesn't know she's a vampire, but assumes she has some unnamed, unworldly power.
I wonder what Charlie thinks happened to Bella if he doesn’t know she's a vampire. What could make her pretty and magical? Here are a few theories that I bet are running through Charlie's mind:
Bella ate a leprechaun.
Bella is a mermaid with robot legs.
Bella is dragon wearing a Bella costume.
Bella is really a figment of his imagination, Fight Club-style.
Bella is using new makeup that made her pretty and super-pregnant.
Bella was struck by lightning while making microwave popcorn.
Bella went through Second Puberty.
He once again reminds Bella that he doesn't want to know the whole story. And it's a good thing, too. Now Bella and her dad can hang out without worrying about the Volturi. Speaking of the Volturi, do they ever show up to check on Bella? Wasn't that part of the plan from way back in New Moon? Where are they? Did they stop to get Slurpees?
Charlie is late for dinner at Sue Clearwater's house, but he still wants to hold Optimus Beyonce. Bella isn't sure if this is a good idea because Optimus might eat him. The baby might also slap him in the face and send a Mind Thought into his brain, which would most likely freak Charlie out to the point where he throws the baby through the window and runs away screaming, "Devil child!" Of course, no one worries about that but me. I worry too much.
Charlie is immediately in love with the baby. No, not in the sensible and normal way that Jacob loves her. Charles is a proud grandfather, and says the baby is even more beautiful than Bella was as a child. Bella tells her dad that Optimus Beyonce's middle name is "Carlie," a combination of Charlie and Carlisle. Good thing the grandfathers weren't named Fred and Duck, or Rich and Bbbb.
After Charlie leaves, Bella is thrilled with herself for not eating her own dad. She practically demands a trophy for her effort and the rest of the vampires agree she is the very best thing to ever exist on the planet.
Emmett jokes, "I'm not even sure she's a vampire…She's too tame." Since Bella became a vampire, Emmett has constantly mocked her lack of badass-ness. He also makes fun of her sex life, saying that when he and Rose where in their honeymoon phase, they literally destroyed houses with their special hugs. (Way to go, Emmett!) Bella has had enough teasing, and hisses at The Pain Maker.
Edward eyes an opportunity for fun and taunts Emmett, telling his older brother to back off,ecause as a newborn vampire, Bella is gifted with Ultra Strength. Emmett isn't impressed. Following Edward's lead, Bella challenges Emmett to an arm wrestling match. Because Esme doesn't want her good table demolished, Emmett and Bella head outside to arm wrestle on a boulder.
I've read enough of Ms. Meyer's prose to know that she will always, always, always make Bella the winner in every situation imaginable. If fifteen atomic bombs were dropped directly on Bella's eyeball, all of the West Coast would be destroyed, including all nearby vampires…except Bella. Bella is infallible, a being so perfect that uttering her name is now considered a prayer by every major religion.
And so I knew she was going to win.
And it still pissed me off.
It's not even much of a fight. Emmett tries to use his great strength to overpower "Noodle Arm" Swan, but it's no use. She's too strong. As Emmett struggles to move Bella's arm even an inch, she takes time to think about passion and life and relationships. Even when she's acting tough, Bella is a prissy emotional fool who shouldn't be given arms if she doesn’t know how to use them. Finally, she grows bored with Emmett, and in the blink of an eye smashes his arm into the stone so hard that the rock, and my heart, splits in two.
Emmett! Hi Emmett! Hey Emmett, I know you let Bella win. You had to do it. If you go against what the evil Mistress Meyer decrees, than the author will banish you to a world of ice and hate. It's not your fault. Look at me, damn it! It's not your fault! OK? Just wait a few months. Bella's Ultra Strength will wear off by then and you can decapitate her with your fire sword whilst screaming, "This is for Daaaaaaaaan!"
I still think you're great, Emmett. By the way, I know we agreed that the Christmas gifts we bought each other should be less than $25, but I went over…by $4,000. Hope you like serpents.
Some have asked why I admire Emmett out of all the vampires. He's not in the book that much, and when he is, he's portrayed as a dumb jock. Part of the reason I like him is that he's very, very, very strong. He's also the only vampire to suggest they go after the bad guys, which he did way back in the first book. That's probably when my Emmett admiration was born.
Throughout the books, he's been a background character—the Boba Fett of the Twilight World. We know so little about him, and the mystery is what draws me in. Plus, in my mind, he has two swords, and one of them is made of fire.
I don't want more Emmett in the book. Stephenie Meyer has shown us time and time again that when she has the opportunity to focus on a character, she will inadvertently ruin that character faster than you can say, "Jacob Black's girlfriend." This chapter proves my point. So I'm glad that Emmett is never given the spotlight. Had he been involved in more chapters, he would have developed into a whiny brat who breaks up with Rose to marry an elderly lunch lady. And he would have pigtails, and instead of being strong he would excel at geography.
Bella is so thrilled with her win over Emmett that she continues to smash the boulder to bits. She's been holding back her true strength all this time, and it feels great to be able to let loose.
Emmett, meanwhile, doesn't take the loss well. He stomps around, kicking rocks and challenging Bella to a rematch. I don't like seeing you this way, Emmett, so I'm just going to look away. Perhaps you should express yourself in a more creative way. To help express myself, I wrote you this poem:
Mare of Night: The Defeat of Emmett Cullen
By Daniel Adam Bergstein
The darkness closes in
Like a blanket of hate.
Hear the North wind wail.
I weep for my 'Mett.
Life has wronged me.
Like the time someone told me Hot Tub Time Machine was amazing.
It wasn't that good.
It wasn't that good.
Ms. Meyer loves to wreck all the things I enjoy. I wouldn't be surprised if in the next chapter, Batman shows up and Bella tickles the Dark Knight into submission before making him eat dog food and wear a diaper.
I would like to list a few of the things I really, really enjoy so that Ms. Meyer will know which things to ruin in the future. And I'm not just saying this to protect my real interests.
People who snap their gum.
The modern works of George Lucas.
The kid in third grade who pants-ed me during gym class.
The Progressive Insurance Lady.
The way soap tastes.
Most, if not all, American Idol contestants.
The family who rented I Am Legend from Netflix right before me and got the disc all yucky and scratched.
Static electric shocks in the winter.
The thief who stole $2.55 in loose change from my car.
Oh boy. I sure hope Ms. Meyer doesn't go after any of those things. Yep, that would be just awful. (Tee-hee.)
Bella hears Optimus Beyonce laugh, and the noise fills her with joy. According to Edward, the baby loves to watch mommy smash things. Bella holds the destructive tot and gives her a rock to break. When the baby can't smash the rock, Bella does it for her, and the baby laughs.
Buy this kid some toys, you wealthy bastards!
The sun breaks through the sky, and Bella sparkles for the first time. She says, "I was immediately lost in the beauty of my skin in the light of the sunset. Dazed by it." Just when I thought Bella was too perfect, she goes and becomes 145% more perfect.
At this rate, by the end of the book she will no longer be of this world but will evolve into her own galaxy called Bella-Verse. Inside Bella-Verse, all the planets will be populated by ponies and babies, and mere mortals like us will never be able to visit such a grand place. In fact, we shouldn't even think about Bella-Verse, for our feeble human brains cannot possibly comprehend the majesty of that place which shall never be mentioned by someone as unworthy as me again. I just hope She Who Is Not Un-Perfect will forgive me for writing these words.
I hate Bella.
Murmurs: 2 (Book total: 67)
Mutters: 3 (Book total: 40)
As Bella gives Robocop a Wet Willy, the director for the upcoming two-part Breaking Dawn film has a few questions for Ms. Meyer.
DIRECTOR: So the first film will be everything up to and including the birth of the baby, right?
MEYER: Correct, my darling. [Meyer caresses her pet jellyfish]
DIRECTOR: And then the second film will be…um…120 minutes of Bella just looking at herself?
DIRECTOR: Hmm. The first part makes sense, because we can focus on Bella's wedding, the honeymoon, the evil werewolves, and Jacob's emotional torment. Good stuff. But when we get to Part 2, there's not much to work with. See what I'm saying? I need more depth.
MEYER: You could make it 3-D! [Meyer strokes the fur of her evil pet giraffe]
DIRECTOR: Well, that doesn’t help matters. I was thinking, maybe we could have Bella involved in some sort of danger. Maybe even throw in a circumstance or two. The second half of this book needs some circumstances.
MEYER: Walk with me, Mr. Hollywood. I want to show you something…[Meyer leads the director down a dark staircase] You are not the first to suggest I add in some plot to my book.
DIRECTOR: [Nervous] Um…I really should be going.
MEYER: Nonsense. As I was saying, a few others have questioned my skills as a story-smith. [Meyer opens up a dark room at the bottom of the stairs] And do you know what I told them, Mr. Hollywood?
MEYER: I told them, "The vanishing sorrow of forever was improved upon the morn of longing through the dark as I gazed triumphant."
DIRECTOR: I have no idea what that means.
MEYER: You'll have plenty of time to figure it out…as you're being digested by my pet bear. Jac-ward, attack!
DIRECTOR: You named your bear Ja— [The bear eats the director]
QUIL: My girlfriend has no concept of verb tenses, so when she finds something, she says, "I finded it."
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