Auntie SparkNotes: The Grudge

If someone insults our brother, we never speak to that person again. Auntie has a different (okay, way more mature) approach. Read on! —Sparkitors

Dear Auntie,

I desperately need your help with a moral problem. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but it's a huge, mega-ginormous deal to me that has been haunting me for almost a year now. The few people that know about this haven't been able to help.

I love my older brother more than anyone else on the planet, period, end of story, case closed. We have a pretty good relationship for a brother and sister, and I'm proud of that. I would do anything to help or defend my brother and he would do the same for me. In February or March of last year, I was at a competition and was talking with some other freshmen (I'm a sophomore now). At the table were 3 people: me and two really obnoxious, albeit very intelligent, freshmen guys who are very...opinionated, to say the least. Anyway, they started talking about how amazingly smart they thought my oldest, other brother was (I have two brothers). Almost immediately, they also commented on how they didn't at all think that my brother was smart. Their exact words: "[Brother 1] is a freakin' genius! [Brother 2].....haha meh, not so much." I couldn't believe that they had just said that. They 1) insulted my brother, 2) insulted him behind his back, and 3) expected me to be okay with that and laugh with them. Obviously, I didn't. I stormed away and didn't speak to them for a loooong time. How could someone, anyone, say that?? My brother is an amazing, smart friend and role model for so many people and he didn't deserve it. Regardless, I strongly believe that no one should make comments like that about anyone else. It's rude and usually unwarranted.

I've been trying to forgive them for months on end. Only about three people know about this other than myself, and they thought I was being overdramatic, but I honestly am struggling with this. I know I should forgive them, but I'm still hurting. I know this seems minor, but it's about one of the most important people in my life. How can I forgive them? How can I let go of my anger and hurt without being confrontational? How can I ever look at these people the same way again? I know I can't ever forget this completely, but should I want to?

Gee, Sparkler, I don't know. I mean, you've obviously put a lot of time and effort into this grudge! Wouldn't it be fun to carry it around forever?! You could even give it a cute name like Grudgey McNudgebuggles, and dress it up in little clothes, and have super-fun movie dates where the two of you put on your pajamas and make popcorn and watch (hee!) "The Grudge"!

Or... not.

Because this is just silly.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that insulting your brother's intelligence wasn't jerky. It was. (Although I've got to point out that the sentiment in question was pretty mild—not really "Brother #2 is a big fat dummy" so much as "Brother #2 is not as smart as Brother #1, the gold-plated giant-brained genius".) Reacting with annoyance, disapproval, and a curt, "Please don't talk about my brother like that" would have been totally understandable. But storming off and refusing to speak to these guys ever again AND still being upset about it a year later?

Too much. Too, too much.

Because much as we all wish this weren't the case, sometimes, people talk about other people. And sometimes, people talk badly about other people. And sometimes, people talk badly about other people while simultaneously stealing a parking space from another person who was totally there first and had her blinker on and everything and AAAARGH.

Which is to say: people mess up. And unless you want to spend your life in a state of perpetual outrage, then yes, you should want to forgive. If you can't do it for them, do it for yourself—because when you hang on to old hurts like this, you're the one who suffers. Plus, holding people eternally accountable for everything less-than-awesome that they ever said or did would mean the end of all human relationships, ever.

And nobody wants that.

So please, let it go. You can take a cue from your excellent role model of an older brother: do you think he gives a flying fig what two bottom-dwelling doinks think of his intelligence? Would he still be fretting about this a year later? Did this comment, though jerky, cause even the slightest bit of harm to his health and well-being? (Hint: The answers are "No," "Nope," and "NOOO.")

Now take a deep breath, and put down Grudgey McNudgebuggles.

You'll be happier, I promise.

How long can you hold a grudge? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.