Your little sister comes home in tears one wintry afternoon. The last time you saw her this upset the time you told your mom on her for biting off a chunk of your earlobe while you were sleeping. The problem: evil Clara St. James, third grade queen bee, has just told your lil' sib that Santa isn't real. While your sister can be annoying, and did recently eat part of your ear, keeping up the charade of Santa is important, not only because it will keep her younger and innocent for a few more years, but because it forces your parents to make sure BOTH of you continue getting taken care of by old St. Nick. So get a Kleenex, tell your sis to blow her nose, and spend the rest of this Christmas season convincing her to believe in that fat North Pole resident.
1. First, calm your little person by using logic. Point out your parents are simply too cheap to purchase the lavish gifts Santa brings you each and every year. How could your mom, a woman who still wears the same sweats she’s had since college, think you guys would deserve new bikes when all your old bikes needed were new frames? How could your dad, a man who retreats to the bathroom and mutters four-letter words when the credit card bill arrives, give you guys roller blades or a Wii? While your little sister is not known for thinking rationally, and makes most of her life choices based on her favorite color, you may be surprised how well this common sense thing works.
2. Utilize your weird uncle you barely talk to. Give him a ring, ask how his cat is, and, since he’s out of work, see if he has time to jump on the phone with your sister and pretend to be St. Nick. Tell him it will be easy: all he has to do is be his odd, totally cheerful self. Since his phone connection is pretty terrible, it will sound super authentic.
3. Start being extra nice. Make your parents' bed, scrub toilets for no reason. Set the table, brush the dog, bring your sister breakfast in bed. Would it be creepy to offer to braid her hair? Probably, but do it anyway. When she asks what the heck you’re up to, tell her you’re trying extra hard to get on Santa’s nice list, and time is running out! Point out that she should start doing some nice stuff too, so she doesn’t end up on the shiz list. Suggest she start by organizing your book collection, making you a fresh batch of cookies, and giving up all her rights to the family desktop computer until the New Year.
4. Stuff her stocking. On Christmas Eve, when your family heads out to your Aunt Matilda’s house for the usual holiday festivities, ask your parents if you can leave early to put out your sister's presents. (If you have a Jewish neighbor who is awesome, maybe she can do the dirty work if you offer to do some of her shoveling in return.) Lay out all the presents under the tree, and leave some authentic footprints throughout the house. Then head back to your aunt's, act like you never left, and proceed to stuff yourself with ham, pasta, and sick amounts of desserts. When your family gets home, your sister's eyes will light up, and she’ll assume a fat man came down your chimney after flying around the world on a sled. This seems like the most logical explanation, right?
5. If all of this fails, sink your teeth into her ear until she screams, “OK! OK! I BELIEVE YOU, YOU BIG FATTY CREEP!” Those words are basically the same as Merry Christmas, at least coming from your lil' sis.
How did you find out that Santa's not real? Will you help spare your little sibling from the cold hard truth?
Related post: Real Things That Are Less Believable Than Santa Claus
Post a comment!