Blogging Pride and Prejudice as if it Were a Teen Novel: Part 13

Volume of the Three-Legged-Dog, Chapters 1-4

When we left off, Lizzard and her aunt and uncle were at Pemberley, which is Darcy's estate. But we've been assured that Dizzle won't be there. Riiiiight. Anyway, you Austenheads told me that taking a tour of Pemberley is the equivalent of taking a tour of big historical houses in the Northeast, like The Breakers. Well, I went to The Breakers! And the old lady at table outside was like, "give me 40 dollars," and I was like "40 dollars!? 40 dollars is bigger than my life" and she was like "I'm sure it is doll" and then I couldn't think of anything else to say so I gave her all the dollars and ran into the mansion.

My adventures!

The whole at Pemberley is filled with Darcy's belongings, since he's still alive, unlike the dead people who own The Breakers. Mrs. Gardiner admires a marble shrine, on top of which is a gold encrusted glass case, inside of which is a lock of Darcy's baby hair, within which lies ten billion dollars. Meanwhile, Lizzy studies an oil painting of Darcy's first diaper rash, and Mr. Gardiner hits on the maid.

The maid says Darcy is the best master in the world. This makes Lizzy even more obsessed with Darcy, because being nice to a maid is a sign that you'd be nice to anyone, like a magician, or another maid.

And then Darcy appears.

Embarrassed, Lizzy says she thought Darsizzle wouldn't be in town for at least another day. He tells her he changed his plans and traveled a day before his friends for...some kind of...business? thing? A business thing? Does Darcy even have a job? Barf. You guys are going to kill me buttttttt—

Teen Novel Rule #37, AGAIN: Every time there's a major coincidence, a baby panda loses its wings.

Okay, so here's a question: if a writer walks into the woods, cuts down a tree, and breaks a rule TWICE, does the second broken rule count?

I think... yes.

But on the flip side, I will concede that Darcy is a big, wet, sloppy mound of shmexy WIN in this scene: He's as nervous as Lizzy, but he musters the courage to ask her to come over the next day and meet his sister. All this, even though the last time he saw Lizzy, she projectile vomited on his ego and then murdered his heart with a pitchfork made of sharks.

Thus, an unresolved rule is hereby RESOLVED.:

Teen Novel Rule #31: For us to feel good about a couple, they both have to risk embarrassment—to put themselves out there—to be together.

Now that Darcy's put himself out there when the odds weren't in his favor, I think we can call this a WIN for Austentatious. "But what about Lizzy putting herself out there?" you may ask aloud as half-chewed Cheetos tumble out of your mouth. True, Lizzy hasn't made some grand gesture. She's not taking a risk by showering her crush with potentially-unwanted attention, but on the other hand, her whole life is a slow drizzle of suck, fail, embarrassment, and mediocre party dresses. Isn't that enough?

Next, Lizzy meets Darcy's sister, Georgiana. Lizzy is shocked at Georgiana's shyness and modesty. I can't help think about Wickham here, because he tried to elope with Georgiana. The idea that a man in his 20s would try to elope with such an innocent, timid teen fills my pancakes with mold (again). Wickham is a butt.

Then Bingleberry arrives. You remember him, right? The hot dude who liked Jane, then disappeared, then we learned he disappeared because Darcy told him Jane was a bad investment (like self-slaughtering chickens). Anyway, Bingston asks Lizzy lots of questions about how she's been, and mentions the exact date he left the countryside (aka JANE). Lizzy's pleased because this means he still thinks about her sister in a way that will eventually result in a global population crisis. Get it? S-E-LOVE.

Next is Chapter 3, which is the BEST chapter, because it's the part where the mean girl gets hit by a bus. Lizzy's back at Pemberley, per Darcy's request, when the Bingleberry sisters show up. Caroline Bingley—as you most definitely remember—is after Darcy, too, and is jealous of Lizzy. She treats Lizzy like crud in front of everyone, but Lizzy refuses to get worked up. This makes Caroline so angry and desperate that she resorts to telling Darcy that Lizzy is UGLY after Lizzy leaves. This ultimate mean girl move is followed up by a bus in the face—Darcy tells Caroline that Lizzy's one of the most beautiful women he's ever seen.

Teen Novel Rule #38: We must see the bad girl get his/her just desserts in act three. And Caroline Bingley's dessert is cream cake full of poo.

But oh oh oh! When Lizzy gets home, she finds letters from Jane saying that her own sister—Greasy Thighs McLydia—has run off with none other than Mr. Wickham! No one in the family knows where she is, but she was last known to have been mooning truck drivers in London so Wickham could hear their horns.

Lizzy feels awful for not warning Lydia that Mr. Wickham is cad. She tells Darcy everything, and then explains that she must go home at once to be with her family. She leaves at Pemberley believing that she'll never see Darcy socially again...

Jane Austen Scorecard: Wins, 29; Losses, 10; Undecideds, 0

Check out all the rules of Teen Novel writing here. (p.s. We'll evaluate all the rules again at the end!)

We're near the end! Wanna start from the beginning? Read all the P&P Teen Novel posts here!

What do you think Caroline Bingley's just desserts should be? Humble pie? Tirama-poo? Chocolate chip cookies OF DEATH?