The 7 Reasons I Hate Towels

11ksande is on a crusade against towels everywhere. This could get ugly.—Sparkitors

When I stumbled upon the recent shower debate, I was rather confused. Why debate petty shower habits? Towels are the real problem here, and I am definitely against them. Here is my reasoning:

1. Wet Towels. Some claim to love towels because they are warm and fluffy. But warm, fluffy towels are a myth, just like unicorns; neither exists. All towels have been used a few hours earlier, and upon exiting the shower you will find them slightly damp and rather cold. Ick.

2. Mildew Towels. Caused by the Wet Towel Phenomenon, towels also usually smell of mildew. There are very few things that smell worse than mildew, but among them are people who dry off with towels that smell of mildew. Seeing as the whole point of showering is to smell like a bucket of roses, using musty towels seems to defeat the purpose of even showering in the first place.

3. Germs. Germs love towels. They told me so. Spiders and Voldemort also love towels; they find them to be very suitable homes/hiding places/cloaks.

4. Lint. I have a theory that belly button lint comes from towels. The proof: Do you own any clothing that claims to be fluffy? Probably not. But towels do. And fluff is made of lint. Also, you are 17 times more likely to have to scrape dryer lint out of the dryer if you are washing towels than if you are washing t-shirts. Dryer lint is 95% towels. The other 5% is made of lost socks.

5. Beach towels. Beach towels may be the worst of all towels. They are skimpy, thin, and they cling to sand with an inexplicable ferocity, rendering them completely useless unless you enjoy implanting tiny rocks into your skin. Also, most beach towels are decorated with characters like Barbie because they were given to you when you were four, and they can therefore be rather inhibiting when you are trying to talk to members of the opposite sex.

6. Mustache Killer Paper Towels. Because of the existence of paper towels, many high schools believe that they can get away with not providing tissues, seeing as an “alternative” is available. Have you ever tried to blow your nose on a paper towel? One wipe can destroy all your upper lip skin. Because of paper towels there are some boys that will never be able to grow mustaches. And that is a tragedy.

7. The Paper Towel Predicament. When drying your hands with paper towels, do you use one towel, or two? One is never effective enough; it leaves your hands wet, forcing you to wipe them on your pants like an unhygienic slob. On the other hand, your hands are clearly not wet enough to justify the use of two paper towels, unless you want to look like a wasteful, tree-killing monster. Either way you go, towels cause unhappiness.

I cannot think of one good thing about towels. I mean, I can see why we used them initially; we had to dry our hands and bodies with something. But now we have those air-blowy hand driers that are so warm and nice! I say we replace all the towels in the world with awesome giant air-blowers. Who’s with me?

Awesome giant air-blowers do sound sort of cool...what do you guys think?

Related post: 15 Reasons Showers Are Awesomepants