Auntie SparkNotes: The Art of Letting Down Gently

We keep texting love notes to Auntie, but all she texts back is ":-/ can't talk, rly busy." What is she hinting at??? —Sparkitors

Hi Auntie Sparknotes,
This is the first time I've written to you, but I have a slight problem: I want to turn down a girl I met at camp last summer. She's open about liking me, but I feel guilty that I may have led her on without meaning to. Now she's been texting me months after camp ended, which would be fine and all if she were my friend, but she's been hinting at a possible long-distance relationship, and I want to turn her down without hurting her feelings. But as I can't see her face to face, what could I say in a text? It's not like we're breaking up or anything, so it doesn't violate the text-message-breakup rule...does it? Do you think I can still salvage a friendship? But most importantly...what do I say?!?

... And this, Sparklers, is why subtlety sucks.

Okay, so it doesn't always suck. Subtlety certainly has its place—in the bouquet of a fine wine, for instance, or in the writing of Isabel Allende, or in Michael C. Hall's marvelous acting on "Dexter." In those cases? Yay, subtlety! But when it comes to asking someone out, subtlety is not your friend... because all it does is create one of two possible scenarios, and they both stink.

Scenario #1: Your crush returns your feelings, in which case your inability to be direct is just standing in the way of your own happiness.

OR!

Scenario #2: Your crush doesn't return your feelings, in which case your inability to be direct is not only putting off the inevitable rejection, but also guaranteeing that, due to the prolonged buildup, said rejection will be way more painful than if you'd just quit being a pansy and asked in the first place.

Either way, you're just hurting yourself. Not to mention your crush—who, as you can see, will be driven slowly insane by the challenge of giving a definitive answer to a question that has not been asked.

Sadly, though, it's not the Subtle Crusher who's asking for advice; it's her frustrated crushee. And unfortunately, when it comes to turning her down, you've got only less-than-ideal options to choose from. So get ready, get set, and pick whichever of these imperfect approaches is most palatable to you.

The Namedrop
Since your friend has been dropping hints in the hope that you'll pick up on her interest, it might be possible to register your lack of interest with similar subtlety. The next time you're texting, let slip that you're crushing on a girl at your school or that you've started dating someone. Talking about other girls is a huge, honking signal that you're not interested in this one; if she's able to read between the lines, she'll back off.

The It's-Not-You
As frustrating as her approach is, this girl is actually leaving the door open for you every time she broaches the subject of long-distance relationships—giving you the opportunity to reject her indirectly (less painful) rather than personally (ouchie). So the next time she drops a hint in your text convo, you can pretend you're oblivious to the context and reply with something like, "LDRs suck." Then, go from there. Not super-graceful, but if you can work in the info that you don't do long-distance, it won't be necessary to explicitly say, "I won't do long-distance WITH YOU."

The Bomb
One major problem with hints: the people who most like to drop them often can't take one themselves. And if your pursuer is particularly dense, you may have to just bite the bullet and do what she won't—namely, call this situation what it is. So muster up some courage and be caring, but direct: "I don't want to make things awkward, but I've been getting the feeling that you like me as more than a friend, and I don't want there to be any misunderstanding about it. So just to make sure we're clear, I only want to be friends. Okay? And if I'm reading you wrong, I apologize and we can pretend I never said anything."

As for how to implement these methods, I'm a firm believer that unlike breakups (which, in deference to the seriousness of the relationship, usually require an in-person convo) a simple rejection is best delivered in writing. Writing gives you the gift of time—time for you to express yourself tactfully and with care, and time for your rejectee to process her disappointment in private. And because it's how you've been keeping in touch, I do think you're okay to keep texting... although because texting convos are so fragmented, that last approach might be better delivered in writing via email or Facebook message, if that's an option.

Meanwhile, the one thing you can't do is turn her down without hurting her feelings. Rejection hurts. You can't make it otherwise, and those who try to usually end up doing far more damage than if they'd just been upfront about it. All you can do is rip the bandaid—swiftly, kindly, and with respect—and then get out of the way so that she can move on.

How do you kindly reject someone? Tell us in the comments! And to get in touch with Auntie, send your questions to advice@sparknotes.com or look her up on Facebook.