Megan's Life Lessons: How to Win at Everything
If you want to be an epic, awesome sort of human being, you simply MUST master the art of winning. Forget everything you learned in kindergarten—we can’t ALL be winners. But every Sparkler can…and must. Or else. *Cue ominous music.* *Cue thunder and lightning.* *Cue Megan’s quiet weeping to herself.* *Cue…I don’t know. Just…cue.* *The more you type “cue” the weirder it gets. Hahaha!*
To ensure your own winner-ific success, follow these absolutely incredible steps specifically designed to cause empires to crumble before you out of sheer awe at your astonishing ability to always win. AT EVERYTHING.
Winner’s Tip Number 1: Always participate in activities that are well below your actual capabilities.
You don’t actually have to be good at anything to be a winner. All you really have to do is do things that are mind-blowingly simple. The more serious and dramatic you are about performing these tasks, the more often people will stop and whisper, “Who is that incredible stranger, and how does she slurp her lukewarm yogurt so…artfully?” Everything you do, do it with passion. Intense, gargantuan, nonsensical passion.
Winner’s Tip Number 2: Always participate in activities that no one else in the world would ever participate in.
If you can’t be a winner in an athletic competition or a spelling bee, then be a winner on your own terms. YOU decide what is a contest and what isn't—but always make sure to create a challenge that no sane person in the world would ever try. Ever. This way, you are a champion by default. Some suggested activities are:
-drinking a glass of water while submerged in the bathtub
-throwing Christmas ornaments at professional wrestlers
-picking up those Christmas ornaments and throwing them again, this time whispering, “You will never make your father proud.”
-playing tag with a cheetah while wearing a meat suit.
Winner’s Tip Number 3: Claim victory at activities that you were going to do anyway.
Why go the extra mile when you can claim expertise in any aspect of your mundane life? It's easy: whatever you do, just make yourself sound at least 67 times more awesome than you really are by phrasing your victories as epically as possible. “I breathe good” is not only an unimpressive way to declare your triumph in the field of respiration, it also is grammatically incorrect. Instead, try phrases like this:
-“I’ve been perfecting the scientific process of converting oxygen into carbon dioxide since the day I was born. I WIN!”
-“I regularly test the validity of the theory of gravity by unexpectedly hurling my body at the ground. On purpose. I have come to the conclusion that gravity exists. I WIN!”
-“At a very young age I found that by vibrating my vocal chords in just the right way, I can produce sound which then can be understood by other humans. In this way, I am an expert in the field of communication. I WIN!“
-“In my lifetime, I have carefully scrutinized the television for hours a day, absorbing details which prepared me to participate in pop culture. Sometimes my arduous work left me so exhausted that I fell asleep and was therefore unable to finish my homework. I now know exactly how not to do homework. I also know that K$sha is the ruination of humanity. I WIN!”
-“I spell K$sha wrong because the ruination of humanity does not own me. It has nothing to do with incorrectness. It’s a satirical comment on society. You wouldn’t understand. I WIN!”
-“I bet you’ve never seen anyone drink this glass of milk so winsomely. It’s all in the lips. Also, you have to squeeze your buttocks in just the right way. No, really. I WIN!”
Go get ‘em, winner.
We're super excited to try the cheetah-tag-meatsuit idea. WE WIN!
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