The Glee Christmas episode made my small, coal-filled heart grow three sizes, Sparklers. It had loads of amazing one-liners and visual gags, and it folded songs into the plot instead of cutting to a million-and-one ridic auditorium numbers featuring insane effects and irritating jump cuts (paging Gwyneth Paltrow).
The episode opens with Emma pity-inviting Schuester to her happy married people Christmas Eve party, which he opts to skip, either because it’d be horribly awkward or because he has plans to hit on snow-stranded businesswomen at Lima’s Holiday Inn bar.
And guess which Glee kid still believes in Santa? No, not Puck. He believes in Hanukah Harry. It’s Brittany! She scolds Artie for not having his letter to Santa already posted, because “even the smallest envelope is heavy for an elf.”
The Glee club is getting into the Christmas spirit by stealing choir-room decorations and getting forcibly bedecked in festive-colored slushies. Yes: even with two sectionals wins under their sequined jazz belts, they are still the misfit toys of McKinley High. When Schue forces them to carol for other students, even the teacher shoe-bombs them.
Their best bet at saving Gleemas spirit (ugh) lies in keeping Brittany’s Santa delusion alive. They visit Santa at the mall, where everyone asks for something awesomely selfish, such as bling (Santana) and unlimited makeout seshes with Puckerman (Lauren). I can only guess what Finn and Rachel would’ve asked for, had they been there. Just kidding, they’d have asked for replicas of their own stem cells (Rachel) and string cheese (Finn). Brittany, unfortunately, asks Santa to give Artie the power to walk again. In his confusion, Mall Santa promises to deliver. Is Brittany on the verge of losing her faith in The Santa Clause? I hope not, that movie is so great.
Rachel skips the Santa visit because she’s busy trying to win Finn back by giving him the gift of having the song of her choice belted at him from a sea of fake Christmas trees. He attempts to return the gift or exchange it for Binaca, but that shiz is nonrefundable. So he does the second best thing: double-dog dumps Rachel in the middle of a Christmas-tree lot, which is almost as bad as being dumped by text message.
Oh, drag. Schue got SUE for Secret Santa?! He furrows his brow some more and comes up with an amazing present idea: dog robot! But, remembering that Sue once overturned McKinley student government with an army of dog robots (probably), Schue decides to buy her something she doesn’t already own 500 of. Or wait, he gets her another tracksuit. That’s like getting your doctor a lab coat, or your mailman a sporty mailman shirt.
If I were wearing a mailman shirt, I’d have to take it off right now, because the sexual tension between Kurt and Blaine is burning hotter than the crackling fire in Hot Boy Academy’s fireplace. They sing the most adorable rendition of Baby, It’s Cold Outside, and then make spoons 4ever in the halls of my imagination. They’re fabulous.
Less fabulous? Sue rigged Secret Santa! With the help of Becky, her evil Christmas elf, she makes sure that every teacher at McKinley draws her name. Schue reclaims her dozens of presents in order to donate them to a youth shelter, but what are homeless kids going to do with six Shake Weights and a power blender?
Under the cover of night, Sue paints herself green and steals all the presents back, accompanied by You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch and Becky dressed as a reindog! Less evilly, the boys talk Coach Beast into posing as Santa so she can explain to Brittany why Artie isn’t going to be able to walk by New Year’s. But miracles DO happen: Santy Beast gives Artie a Re-walk! Which is apparently a real thing!
Another miracle: the Glee club’s caroling softens Sue’s grinch heart. She orchestrates a tree-trimming party with the Glee kids in Old Man Schue’s bachelor pad, where they have to fight off his bevy of stewardesses to get to the ornaments. And it was the happiest Christmas ever!
Lines of the night (there are so many):
"Last year I left my stocking up over Christmas vacation and an entire family of mice started living in it. Their Christmas gift to each other was rabies."
"Can I be honest? I don't understand the difference between an elf and a slave."
"Remember when I told you I was taking all those science textbooks to an exorcist? That’s what you’d call a diversion.”
Did you lurrvee this episode as much as Melissa? Tell us in the comments!
Related post: Read previous Gleecaps here!