New Lyrics to Old Holiday Songs

As the holiday season approacheth, we thought it was high time we updated the lyrics of some old holiday tunes. Here are our stabs at bringing relevancy and/or fun to some of our favorites...and not-so-favorites.

O Holy Night

Lyrical improvement: Combine the original lyrics with "Danny Boy" and "Home on the Range" for added subject matter and because the songs scan similarly, which is weird, right?

O, holy night
The pipes, the pipes are calling
It is the place where the antelopes play.
Oh, holy night
And Danny boy is dying
And the skies are not cloudy all day.
From glen to glen and down the mountain side
Seldom is heard a DIS-cour-A-ging (word)
Fall on your knees
And kneel and say an "Ave" (there for me)
Oh, ski-ies
Oh, SKIIIIIIIIII-IH-IH-IH-IES
You are not cloudy
All
DAAAAAAY.

The Little Drummer Boy

Lyrical improvement: Remove the boring plotline, and make it all about nonsense sounds.

Brum prrrrink brum trum
Pah-rum-pum-pum-pum
Kuh roo ploo scurm plurm merm
Pop-tern-yuh-schoon-ummmmm
Heb fee koh turn puh plern
Scuh grik juh snik whummm
Arp foosh ker plootz meh krink tah
Dert pert pert perrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt
PRR-huh-herrr-HERRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrt
PRR-huh-herrr-HERRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrt
ZHUMMMMMMMMMmmmm

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

Lyrical improvement: Simplify the lyrics, and repeat them over and over again to really hammer the point home.*

He's making a list
He's checking a list
He's making a list
And checking a list
Santa Claus is making a list.
He sees the list he's making
He checks the list he makes
He sees the list he checks the list
And then he makes the list.
Oh, he's making a list
He's checking a list
He's making a list
And checking a list
Santa Claus is maaaaaaking...a list.

*[NOTE: This formula also applies really well to The Carol of the Bells, Deck the Halls, Silent Night, and myriad other carols.]

Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Lyrical improvement: Tell the story in a more medically realistic way.

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Had a nose that was kind of unusual
He felt alienated and people were worried about him
Because it was bulbous and incandescent (almost like it had been irradiated).
Maybe it was from that one time
When he got an x-ray at the dentist's office
But he had worn a lead apron
So it probably wasn't that.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Another reindeer asked him about it
But he didn't give a satisfactory answer
Because he got really defensive.
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Wound up going in for a biopsy
And the doctors discovered
That it was just a benign cyst.
That it was juuuuust a beeeeee-niiiiign cyyyyyyyst.

Leave your carol improvements in the comments!

Related post: Christmas Songs That Are Just Wrong