Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 25
Chapter Twenty-Five: Favor
Better Title: Papa Don't Preach! Oh…You're Not Preaching At All? You're Just Going To Let This Happen? Thanks, Papa!
Behold. The first four paragraphs/sentences of this chapter:
It was only a little while later that Edward reminded me of my priorities.
It took him just one word.
And I laughed.
She sighed? She sighed as if her baby is a burden—a three-day-old burden! On the very next page, Bella looks toward the Cullen house and then back at naked Edward, and honestly can't decide if she'd rather see her daughter or have sex with Edward.
Bella, sweetie, you're not choosing between eating dessert and eating vegetables dipped in cough medicine. She's your daughter! The daughter that you were willing to die for. Remember that? I remember that. I remember it because you wouldn't shut up about it for 799,999,999 pages.
Deep breath. Deep breath. Think about Christmas. Deep breath.
Reluctantly, Bella decides to go visit her baby. She races Edward to the house, and once there, they see the other vampires watching Optimus Beyonce as she bends and twists Esme's good silverware. For any parents-to-be out there, or babysitters, let me take this opportunity to say that giving a baby silverware is always a wonderful thing to do. (Sarcasm finger.)
The Cullens have more money than Bill Gates and Ebenezer Scrooge combined, so why haven't they bought Optimus some appropriate and durable baby toys? Because vampires have chromosomes, Bella loves Edward, and the baby is super perfect. Too perfect for toys. Besides, why do the Cullens need "good" silverware anyway? Hosting a lot of fancy dinner parties, are they? Last I checked, they have no friends and no life outside of Bella-World.
Once the pretty demon spots her mommy, Optimus coos and cackles, straining to get into Bella's arm as fast as possible. She touches Bella's face and sends her a mind-thought that says, "I need food." I pity all the regular babies in the world who go hungry because they cannot communicate via touchy-feely super powers. It's a wonder we all didn't starve as infants.
Edward goes to the kitchen to get some human blood from Mike Newton's corpse. Just kidding. They still haven't explained where the blood is coming from, or why it's OK for a baby to drink human blood, but if Jasper so much as licked Human Bella's bloody gums, he would have been severely punished and chastised. And just because a baby wants something, that doesn’t mean it should always get it. Babies aren't Bellas.
If I were in the Cullen family, I would slap Bella and say, "I want ice cream sandwiches." They should be more strict with Optimus and try giving her animal blood or some Cheerios. She needs to learn that…oh my gosh! She's so cute and perfect! She is amazing! She can have everything she wants! What was I saying? Sorry, I'm busying getting her face tattooed on my face so that I can be as pretty as this perfect, wondrous being.
The Cullens are all smiles and giggles because they know Bella and Edward had wild sex last night. Emmett makes a few jokes about Bella and Edward's boring sex life, and Bella doesn't like it. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Poor thing.
Emmett is here? Hi, Emmett! Hey Emmett, I'm knitting you a sweater for Christmas. Well, it's more of tank top, because I figured that sleeves would only hinder your Pain Trains (a.k.a your arms). I wasn't sure of your measurements, so I'm making the sweater Batman-sized. And I'm reworking the lyrics to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer to incorporate your bad-assness. Here's what I got so far…
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose! (Like Emmett's sword!)
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. (Like Emmett's sword that's made of fire!)
All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. (Like Monopoly!)
Wait…I think I messed up.
Noticing the lack of awesome in the room, Bella wonders where the wolves have gone. Rose tells her that Jacob, Seth, and Leah ran off early in the morning. The family of vampires then briefly discuss plans to move to the East Coast while Bella goes to college. Alice butts in and says she can't see the future very clearly because Jacob is up to something.
Stay with me, folks. This gets a little convoluted. You may want to stretch your logic muscles before proceeding.
Edward reads Jacob's mind, and learns that Jake has told Bella's father the truth about Bella. Well, not the whole truth. More on that later. Everyone panics. If Charlie finds out about vampires, then the Volturi would destroy all of Forks, WA.
It's unclear how the Volturi would find out. Maybe they keep watching Esme's Twitter feed, looking for clues.
TheRealEsmeVamp: Today I sat around the house and did nothing because my family's entire life revolves around Bella.
TheRealEsmeVamp: Thinking about sofas.
TheRealEsmeVamp: Today I looked at a tree.
TheRealEsmeVamp: To pass the time, my family and I tried to count all the numbers. Then we watched a desk for 6 hours.
TheRealEsmeVamp: Maybe I should buy string tomorrow.
TheRealEsmeVamp: Today I bought string.
TheRealEsmeVamp: OMG! Charlie knows about vampires! #VampiresIzReal
TheRealEsmeVamp: Waiting for the end of eternity while watching infomercials.
Jacob arrives with Leah and Seth. They can sense the tension inside the house. Jacob isn't sure what the big deal is. Edward flips out…which means Edward thought about balling his fingers into a fist, but then just whined like a emo kid who was told he can't have $30 to buy a new hoodie.
Jake tries to calm everyone down and says Charlie is on his way, but that this is going to work out just fine. Jacob knew Bella would leave Washington soon, and that she would take Optimus Beyonce with her. Jacob is in love with the baby for sensible reasons that I unflinchingly support, so he's not about to let Bella leave. The only reason she was going to move was because she couldn't be around Charlie. If Charlie knew of Bella's condition, then she wouldn't have to leave, and Charlie could still be a part of Bella's life.
That makes sense. But not really. Why can't Jacob go with the Cullens? Why can't they just turn Charlie into a vampire? What about Bella's mom? Why are there still 300 pages in this book? If Charlie found out, why couldn't he keep it a secret? Why haven't the Volturi showed up to check out Optimus Beyonce? Why doesn't Styrofoam taste like vanilla?
The Cullens think Jacob is crazy for revealing the truth about vampires, but Jacob says he played it smart. He didn’t tell Charlie that Bella was a vampire. Instead, he transformed into a werewolf in front of Charlie. Then he turned back into a human and said (and I'm paraphrasing here):
"Yo Charles, I'm a werewolf and there are other things in this world that are sort of like werewolves. You don't know about it because you're dumb. Bella is fine, but now she's different for a mysterious reason. She also has a baby…sort of. So, you cool with that, Swan Dive? Dan Bergstein is a decent guy."
To which Charlie replies, "I understand. Don't tell me any more information. I'd rather not know the whole story. Thanks. And yes, Dan Bergstein is a great dude who is strong."
And the World's Best Father Award goes to…Charlie Swan. Runner-up is that dad who shrunk his kids in that movie I think was titled, "The Kids Aren't Tall Anymore, Dear."
As chief of police, Charlie Swan should find out exactly what's going on in his town. People have died in the last three books, and those attacks were committed by vampires and/or giant wolves. It's his duty to protect the community from murder, so I'd expect a bit more police work from Officer Swan.
As a father, Charlie Swan should shoot Jacob in the face with a shotgun, storm the Cullen compound, and assassinate everyone inside in an effort to find out what happened to his daughter.
As a character in a Twilight book, Charlie Swan does nothing and watches sports. He probably also loves to explain magnets at great length.
I'm not exaggerating. He literally says, "I don't want to know everything," and three minutes after seeing his new vampire daughter and his new granddaughter, he sits in front of the TV and watches sports with Emmett and Jacob.
I'm getting ahead of myself. Before Charlie arrives, Esme and the rest of the vampires teach Bella how to act human. She needs to breath, blink, and fidget just like a real person. This scene is funny, and for the first time in this entire series, I think it was meant to be funny. Wow! I'm impressed. Maybe these few paragraphs are my Christmas present from Stephenie Meyer. If so, I hope she kept the receipt, because I'm taking them back and getting a pogo stick.
The cover story is that Bella was sick and through mysterious supernatural powers, she got better. No one mentions vampires, so the Volturi can't complain, and Bella can still live in Forks and see her dad. It all works out so splendidly. They tell Charlie that Optimus Beyonce is Edward's niece, and that her parents were killed in a car crash, so Bella and Edward have adopted her.
And so this chapter ends with everyone being happy and wonderful. Now excuse me. I need to leave before the pogo stick store closes. (I hope they have red!)
Murmurs: 2 (Book total: 65)
Mutters: 1 (Book total: 37)
We get a glimpse at Charlie's private diary.
Today I went to the store to buy corn. On the way back I saw a woman in a goofy hat. This hat was really goofy. It had all this frilly crap on it. It was seriously the goofiest hat I ever did see. That hat was so funny. Oh, and today I learned that my daughter is some sort of mystery beast with godlike powers. She also has an adopted daughter who looks very much like her. I had corn for dinner. I wonder if that woman knows how goofy her hat looked. Hahaha…that hat was silly.
My friend Quil would like to write in this diary too, OK?
Hi, Diary. It's me, Quil. My girlfriend flushes crackers down the toilet to feed The Little Mermaid. Bye, Diary.
They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games! (Like reading the Blogging Twilight archives!)