More Phrases That Make No Sense

As you guys have already noticed, English idioms don't make much sense. Our language is littered with thousands of phrases whose meanings have absolutely nothing to do with what they actually say, and sure, we understand them, but only because we've heard them a million times.

For non-native speakers, our weird sayings are confounding, which is why companies sometimes mistranslate their mottos from "Try our delicious food!" to "Guard with sandwich against ancestor ghosts!" The following phrases are particularly senseless, assuming you think about all of them really, really hard (which of course we did).

"Oh, don't mind Fang! His bark is worse than his bite."
Buddy, no it isn't. That's impossible. No bark is worse than any bite. A gummy old dog with one tooth can still break the skin, and unless you have some kind of sonic dog whose bark shatters bones, you are pulling our collective legs here.

"I'm just pulling your leg!"
This makes exactly as much sense as pulling any other noun, which is not very much. Also, let go of our legs. We need them to walk.

"Let's think outside the box here."
Are you... are you in a box? Do you maybe need some help?

"The cat's outta the bag!"
Similar to above, but now with animal cruelty connotations. Look, whatever secret you've somehow concealed by cramming a cat into a bag and guarding it intently up until now, it's time to unbag your cats. They likely weren't going to reveal your malicious plans anyway.

"She's as happy as a clam!"
Any organism that you can potentially confuse with a rock is probably not very happy, or even capable of knowing what happiness is. Flipping to a random page in the dictionary will provide you with several animals that are frequently happier than clams; clams basically just sit there and eat plankton until they are, in turn, eaten by humans. They're not especially unhappy about this, because they're just some stupid clams.

"We've got to push the envelope here."
At first this phrase just invokes the image of some frantic business guy shoving en envelope down the hallway, on toward success, which is silly enough already. But it actually refers to "almost destroying a plane," and is that really what your organization is going for? "Let's risk fiery explosions?"

"They got off scot-free!"
We were prepared to criticize this phrase for insulting the fine, chivalrous Scotsmen, but instead of being insulting, it is merely weird. It refers to avoiding an 800-year-old tax that no longer exists, and is therefore just as sensible as saying "Wow, those guys sure dodged their Viking Tax!"

"I got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
Are you sleeping on some kind of polygonal bed? There really shouldn't be too many sides to choose from, and if one of them is all gross and causes you to be a jerk for the rest of the day, perhaps you should learn which one it is, or buy a more accommodating bed.

"I've only got eyes for her!"
Picture an eyeless monstrosity, stalking the countryside and occasionally digging a pair of eyes out of his coat pocket and plugging them in when he sees the girl he likes walking past. This man is horrifying, and neither he nor his phrase should ever be mentioned by anyone again.

"I'm a love machine!"
Very few things are less romantic than machines. They relentlessly weld car parts together or cut sheet metal, and are full of gears and circuits and logic. They are not lovable. Really think about the concept of a "love machine" and you will see our point, and then probably become a little scared.

What phrases annoy you?

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