Flyergirl13 Tells You How—To Go Holiday Shopping
The second installment in flyergirl's new series is even funnier than the first—plus, we now know the most effective way to kill our piggy banks. JACKPOT.—Sparkitors
Holiday shopping is a stressful time of year, especially given the rough economy, which forced record numbers of people to spend even more money than usual this past Black Friday. (Yes, we're all confused about that.) If you got up at 2 AM and got all your shopping done the day after Thanksgiving, congratulations. You probably still need to catch up on sleep, so why don't you take a nap while everyone else reads this helpful guide on how to go holiday shopping, the epic way.
If you're still reading, it means you haven't gotten your shopping done yet. I warn you, completing it will be a terrifying experience. You will consume untold amounts of caffeine, endure countless break-downs in the fitting rooms, and probably cry like a baby at least 8 times. But you will emerge from this battle stronger than ever, and with presents for everyone to boot!
Step One: Dress For The Occasion. This is crucial. To put it in Julius Caesar's words, "Et tu, Brute?" which means, "The way you dress can make or break your holiday shopping experience." Be aware, I don't speak Latin, so that's a loose translation.
DO: Wear combat boots, chainmaille, and a knight's helmet. A cape would help too. This is a dog-eat-dog world, and you need to be prepared to fight to the death in order to take home that last banana-themed snow globe.
DON'T: Forget your sword and mace.
Step Two: Fill Your Coffers. The best things in life cost lots and lots and lots of money. And if you want the best possible presents for you family and friends, you're going to have to break open that piggy bank.
DO: Use a hammer to smash the poor piggy. Using a knife is just wrong, and while trying to tear it apart with your bare hands might seem rugged and tough, no one is really impressed with your skill in ripping apart helpless porcelain pigs.
DON'T: Rob a real bank. This is illegal, and difficult to pull off. Unless you're a ninja. Then, by all means, proceed.
Step Three: Think Before You Buy. Unless you're incapable of intelligent thought, this should be pretty easy. You don't want to look back on your purchases and wonder, "What the heck was I thinking when I bought that?!"
DO: Carefully consider everything that could potentially change in life because you bought this item. Sit in front of it for an hour and meditate upon the possibility of buying it, and bludgeon anyone who disturbs you with your mace.
DON'T: Go shopping when you're in a bad mood. If you buy your mom's present right after you failed your history test, your boyfriend dumped you, and you broke your arm, then she's gonna be unwrapping a vase filled with thorns and a bottle of cyanide come Christmas morning.
Step Four: Wrap Them Nicely. Wrapping presents is important. It's like a stealthy disguise: it prevents people from seeing what they're getting. That is why presents are like ninjas.
DO: Tape securely. You don't want the wrapping paper to fall off, do you? Cover every single seam in the paper with at least three layers of tape. Not only are you protecting your gift, it's also hilarious to watch the recipient struggling with their present for an hour until they finally give up and attack it with a flame-thrower.
DON'T: Wrap it plain and boring. People hate plain and boring. They like excitement. So make it look like a ribbon factory exploded on your present. Use as many bows as possible, and tack on anything sparkly you can find, like a cheese grinder, or shiny pebbles.
Step Five: Give Them Well. It's lame to just hand people their presents and say "Here you go." Make the giving part more exciting!
DO: Make them work for the present. Plan an elaborate scavenger hunt where they're given clues to the location of their gift, or ask them to solve a riddle before handing over their prize. Or maybe you could bake their new iPad into a cake, and force them to eat it! The possibilities are endless.
DON'T: Make the recipient do push-ups while holding the gift over their head saying "C'mon, five more! Just five more and it's all yours!" They will probably stab you with their own holiday-shopping sword, then destroy the expensive present they were saving for you.
It's time to strap on that armor and hit the mall, Sparklers. How do you feel about holiday shopping?
Related post: What To Buy Your Frenemy For Christmas