Dressing Up Your Dog For The Holidays

We all know how much our dogs love to dress up in demeaning holiday costumes; if they could speak, we're sure they would say things like: “Yes, please, I love wearing that completely asinine Mrs. Claus cape, or “Oh, boy, oh boy, isn’t it time to put on my Hannibul Lecter/ Raindeer costume?" Their slumped shoulders and terrified faces just scream “MORE OUTRAIGUZ COSTOOMZ PLEAZ!!” Here are some ideas for crazy dog costumes that will satisfy your four-legged friends’ inner-most cravings—they're gonna look so good that you'll want to dress to match.

Costume 1: Deck the Narwhals. Everyone has an aunt who is deathly afraid of narwhals (that trippy unicorn/killer whale thing), and she’s usually also the aunt who also tells you that skinny jeans are for girls and budding convicts, or that it’s great that you’re taking Ceramics this semester, but 95% of artists die unhappy and alone, so you should probably take Statistics instead. So let’s scare the squirrels out of her, shall we? Since you’re not going to get your hands on a narwhal anytime soon (unless your dad is suuuuper rad), you should dress up your pit bull, Butterball, to look just like one of those freaky-cute hybrids. For about as much as a burrito costs, you can buy this convincing latex unicorn horn, plop that thing on Butterball’s forehead, and wrestle his over-enthused doggie-self into a gray pillowcase with four holes cut into it. Now put on some tinsel and bows to create the illusion of a "holiday costume," and let him loose!  Oh, yes, your Aunt's shrieks are the true sound of holiday cheer.

Costume 2: Make It Dark. Why must the holidays be all about cheer and fluff and flying babies and happy fat old dudes?! Does anyone remember “A Christmas Carol?” That shnitz was freaking SCARY. Skinny, tiny Timmy, for example, still haunts our dreams. And how about that ghouly, wraith-like Ghost of Christmas Future, the one with halitosis and freakishly long fingernails and the same cruel grin as your AP history teacher? We know, totes nast. So keep it real this Christmas: put Lassie into your Dementor costume from last Halloween. You can even take it to the next level and teach her to walk around on two legs‚ just like this equally dark video of a man salsa-dancing with his Labrador.

Costume 3: Make a Sweater Monster. We all have an Uncle Buck, and we all get hideous holiday sweaters from him every. Single. Year. So why not put them to use? Cover your perpetually cold English Mastiff, Tinkerbell, in all of those chunky, bauble-covered atrocities until he’s just a big ball of ugly woolen goodness. Tink will love being all bundled up, and when Uncle Buck comes over and sees a dog wearing your sweaters, maybe he’ll get a clue and finally buy you what you really want.

So, what'll your precious pup be wearing this holiday season?

Related post: The Cutest Pets