Flyergirl13 Tells You How—To Make The Best Cupcakes EVER
flyergirl13 just got herself a brand new "How To" series—and judging from the first post, it's gonna be a laugh riot.—Sparkitors
Okay, so you just spent fifteen minutes convincing your mom to let you use the oven, and you finally wore her down (despite the fact that the last time she let you in the kitchen there was an "incident" involving pancake batter and the blender). She grudgingly leaves you to your own evil devices, and you cheer for joy and hug your pet rock, Westley. But now what? You have the permission, but do you have any idea how to make the delicious little buggers know as cupcakes? Of course you don't (even if you do, pretend you don't. I'm working an angle here, dudes). But my handy-dandy guide will show you the way.
Step One: Obtain Cupcake Mix. You can buy it at your local grocery store. If you don’t have a local grocery store because you live on a water-locked island off the coast of Nepal, you can make your own cupcake mix out of shampoo, raw spaghetti, and cream cheese, which are the three major ingredients in all store-bought mixes.
DO: Open the box with care so that you don't rip the all-important instructions (which aren't actually necessary now that you have this guide).
DON'T: Tear into the box and pour the powdery stuff into your mouth. That's gross, dude. Plus, you just wasted your cupcake mix. Fail.
Step Two: Combine the Ingredients. Follow the instructions on the back of the box to measure the correct proportions of eggs, water, dinosaur saliva, and rainbow dust into your mix.
DO: Get the dinosaur saliva from a sleeping dinosaur, or at least a very drowsy one. This decreases your chances of being violently mauled.
DON'T: Forget where you put the scissors and tear open that package of powder with your fingers. It will rip all the way down the side and you'll end up with your precious powder mix spilled all over the floor. That will make you cry, and your tears will make the whole mess even harder to clean up.
Step Three: Mix The Ingredients. Use an electronic mixer for this. If you don't have one, use a spoon. If you don't have a spoon, use your hand. If you don't have a hand, rig a ceiling fan into a spinning wheel of doom with which mix your ingredients. But be warned: a spinning wheel of doom must be wielded with extreme caution.
DO: Take occasional licks of the raw batter to test its awesomeness. Only do this when no one is looking, though. If someone catches you, claim you're just testing for Salmonella poisoning.
DON'T: Take licks of the batter while the mixer is running. You'll probably get your fingers chopped off. Then they'll get mixed into the batter and that would ruin a perfectly good batch of cupcakes. Plus, you'd have no fingers.
Step Four: Pour Into Holder-Thingys. Take your well-mixed, well-tested batter and put it into that one pan made especially for cupcakes. If you don't have one, fashion your own out of two bananas, a striped straw, and the pages of the Twilight series.
DO: Buy those little paper cups to pour the batter into.
DON'T: Pour the batter into the pan without putting the little paper cups in first. Your cupcakes will stick to the pan and you won't be able to eat them, which kind of defeats the purpose.
Step Five: Bake. Put your cupcakes into the oven. Set the timer. Wait.
DO: Clean up your dishes while waiting. Otherwise, your mom will ban you from ever using the kitchen again, even if it's just to make toast. And we both know how much you love toast.
DON'T: Open the oven every thirty seconds to check if your cupcakes are ready. Trust the timer. It's smarter than you.
Step Six: Finish. This is the step where you take your cupcakes out of the oven, let them cool, and then frost them. Do you know what you do next? STUFF YOUR FACE UNTIL YOU BARF. (You can skip the barfing if you want.)
DO: Slather on as much icing as possible. And then add sprinkles. And sugar. And more icing. And another cupcake.
DON'T: Forget to take the cupcakes out of the pan before you wash it. That would suck.
AND, you're done! Are you drooling with longing for some cupcake goodness yet? I sure hope so.
Oh, we're drooling alright. And we're so excited about this series!
Related post: How To Be Awesome: Kitchen Addition