Well, you've gone and done it now. As soon as Thanksgiving rolled around, that whole "I'm not eating ANY marshmallow sweet potato casserole and NO cookies for me and NEVER will I drink another gallon of eggnog in one sitting" thing went right out the window. And you've only just gotten into the chocolate advent calendar. You've lost the Battle of the Holiday Bulge.
Maybe you hate your new fudge pudge. Maybe you think you make the Truffle Shuffle look like an 8-Minute Abs routine. Maybe you are frightened by the fact that your bellybutton, when squeezed just so, kind of resembles a bagel. Maybe you are contemplating hiring a tuba player to follow you around and play while you walk.
But instead of succumbing to self-loathing, ask yourself: why should I let five pounds of cheer chub bother me? It doesn’t seem to bother Santa Claus.
We’re here to tell you (earmuffs, doctors), that it’s all right. Losing the holiday weight is what January is for. Now, in December, you must embrace it. Get comfortable with the pudge. Love it. Revel in it. Whisper sweet nothings to it. You are not chunky; you are shapely. You are not tubby; you are pleasingly plump. Or as my mother said optimistically when I came home from my freshman year of college, “My, you look... healthy!”
Don’t sulk about the bulk. Here are just a few ways to embrace your holiday weight gain.
- Change your Facebook profile pic to Gloria the Hippo from the movie Madagascar.
- Show off your new, aherm, assets. Curves are sexy. Work them.
- Use your new heft to physically dominate littler/younger siblings.
- Use this as an excuse to buy a new outfit that’s not so snug. Of course, a new outfit will require a new pair of shoes, too.
- Create a sassy plus-sized playlist on your iPod. It should include:
“Big and Chunky” by Will.i.am
"Fat Bottomed Girls" by Queen
“Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-a-Lot
"My Humps" (Alanis Morissette version)
"Big Girl" by Mika
"Sista Big Bones" by Anthony Hamilton
"Big Bottom" by Spinal Tap
- Consider this: There is now more of you to love.
Are you losing the Battle of the Holiday Bulge, like us?
Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: Do You Think I'm Fat?