Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 24
Chapter Twenty-Four: Surprise
Better Title: Oh My God! I Hate Everything About This Book! I Want To Kill It With Rocks! AGH!
Bella gets a house, completely disregards her 3-day-old baby, and has magical sex with Edward. Goodbye!
[At this point, Dan drove to the Thinking Lake, and sat on the bench for several hours as he rocked back and forth, whispering, "Emmett is coming. Emmett is coming." Dan's 8-year-old cousin Wendy was kind enough to finish the blog for him.]
Hiya! I'm Wendy! I'm 8! I can do a handstand! Dan is my cousin! He isn't here right now because he went to the lake to whisper. He's been doing that more and more lately. I don't want him to get fired, so I'll finish writing his blog. My dog has diabetes and we need to give him shots!
I read this book all by myself! It was easy because the words are easy and there is a lot of blank pages. This is a good chapter. This chapter is good because it's about Bella. Bella is a lady who is in this chapter and she is a vampire.
Bella is a nice lady. She is nice because she is married to a man named Edward. Edward is a vampire too. Bella is happy because her family gives her a house in the forest. Bella likes the house. I like the house too because it's nice and good. I would like a house for my birthday. Houses are good.
Bella gets a house because she is a nice person. Bella gets a lot of things. She gets nice clothes and sports cars and love. Bella should get all these things because she is kind to others and she is a good role model for me and my friend Bethany. Bethany's cat died when it got run over. Now Bethany has a new cat that is better because it stays inside the house. Bethany can't have peanuts.
One of the people in this chapter is Alice. Alice is good because she is a nice vampire and not scary. Alice can see into the future and knows what is going to happen. That makes sense to me 100%. Alice gives Bella the key to the house and then they take her to the house and then Bella sees the house and then Bella likes the house.
The house has a room for Bella's baby. Bella has a baby. Her baby is nice. Her baby is named Renesmee which is a good name. Her baby isn't in this chapter because Bella is busy looking at a house. Bella spends the whole night in the house hugging Edward, away from her baby, and I think that's OK because I'm only 8 and have no concept of parental responsibility. Bella is a good mommy. Bethany's mom lets us drink soda!
I don't know why Bella needs a house in Forks, WA. I thought she had to move soon because her daddy cannot find out she's a vampire and so she was going to fly to Alaska and live there. But I'm only 8, so it stands to reason that I find this confusing. I'm sure the book makes sense because it was written by a smart lady who is a writer. I want to be a writer too. I want to be a writer and a vet! If I get a rabbit for Christmas I'm going to name her Renesmee or Toilet! Hahahahahahahaha! Toilet! Hahahahaha! That is very funny. Toilet is a funny name.
Can I have a soda if I finish this blog? Can I have one now? I already opened one. Is that OK? Are you mad? Want to see how high I can jump? I can jump really high! So can the vampires because they are great. Dogs can have puppies and sometimes the mommy dog will eat the baby puppy because of nature.
Bella's new house has a giant closet filled with clothes that Alice bought. She doesn't want to look at the closet because Edward is very pretty and she wants to see his naked parts. Hahahahaha!
Bella is sad because she forgot to look at the closet and see the new clothes that Alice got. So Edward says they will lie and tell Alice that Bella did see the clothes in the closet. Since Alice can see the future, I'm not sure how this plan would work. Wouldn't Alice already know that Bella didn't even look at the pretty new clothes? What do I know? I'm only 8!
My birthday is March and I'm having a sleepover and I'm getting a turtle!
I'm bored with this. Can I be done now? Writing is hard because the words are hard. Can I have another soda? I'm going outside to kick trees. I'm good at it!
[Wendy leaves, and Dan returns from the Thinking Lake.]
Sorry about that, guys. I just had to do some thinking and get my mind in order. I hope Wendy wasn't too much of a pain. Did she have soda? She's not suppose to have soda! Why is she outside kicking trees? Eh…whatever.
I think Wendy covered most of this chapter. Bella is given a new house for her birthday, and then has sex with Edward inside the house while her baby is nowhere to be found. That's all that happens. Bella gets everything she ever wanted and more, which I think would be a better title for this book.
The sex scene is intense, or at least it's intense for a Twilight book. There's no graphic detail, but it seems as though it was a wild, wild night. Now that Bella is super strong and Edward no longer needs to restrain himself, their special hugs have gotten much more involved. Bella says, "We didn't have to catch our breath or rest or eat or even use the bathroom."
That's not true. Well, not completely true. Vampires need to eat. In fact, Bella should be hunting for blood right now instead of sexing it up with her hubby. I know Carlisle told us that Bella's super power has suppressed her need for blood, but surely after a night of bed-breaking hugs, the girl is going to be a tad peckish.
And why don't vampires need to use the bathroom? Where does the blood go? And how can Edward…um…(giggle). Nevermind.
Bella can't believe that special hugs feel even better after she became a vampire. All this time she was worried that becoming a vampire meant sex would be strange and cold. She was wrong. Now, not only does Bella get a house, new cars, a new wardrobe, the man of her dreams, all the money in the world, super powers, immortality, and gorgeous good looks, but her special hugs feel Double Great. And she gets to live near her family. So what did she give up? What sacrifice did she offer in exchange for a perfect life? Well, she can't sleep anymore or eat apples. That sucks, I guess. She's a modern day Joan of Arc.
Bella is worried that she has become addicted to special hugs, and asks Edward if the constant craving for naked-time is a normal part of the vampire process. He says that every new vampire couple goes through a hot-and-heavy passionate stage. Emmett and Rosalie's "honeymoon" lasted for ten years. Ten years!? Way to go, Emmett!
According to Edward, after a while the passion cools down slightly, but vampires are still sexual beings. Bella never witnessed this side of vampire life because she's usually snoozing when Alice and Jasper, and Emmett and Rosalie are hugging.
For the past 100 years, Edward has used the nighttime to study instead of having special hugs. This explains why he's so smart. I feel bad for the guy. 100 years is a long time to go without hugs, and all the algebra in the world can't replace special hugs. But then I remember that Edward is an obsessive creep, and I laugh at him.
The chapter ends with Bella and Edward going at it once again. Meanwhile, miles away, the parentless Renesmee is probably learning the hard way that electric outlets taste bad.
Murmurs: 4 (Book total: 63)
Mutters: 0 (Book total: 36)
Alice has more presents for Bella.
ALICE: Happy birthday, Bella! Here's your present!
BELLA: It's a key. What is the key for?
ALICE: It's for the ocean. I'm giving you the entire ocean.
BELLA: Great, but what good is an ocean if you don't have an aircraft carrier?
ALICE: Ta-da! [Give Bella another key]
BELLA: Is this the key to an aircraft carrier?
ALICE: Yep! It's purple, I hope that's OK. I painted it myself!
BELLA: I'm sure it's wonderful, but…
ALICE: What's wrong? Why are you so sad?
BELLA: I've always wanted a signed copy of The Catcher in the Rye and a bottle of Michelangelo's tears. I like the ocean and all, it's just that…
ALICE: [Presents Bella with a third key] Here ya go, silly billy!
BELLA: Is this the key to a locked chest that houses a signed copy of The Catcher in the Rye and a bottle of Michelangelo's tears?!
ALICE: Of course, goofus! I painted the book purple. I hope that's OK.
BELLA: Wow! You're too kind, Alice. But I didn't forget about you. [Hands Alice an envelope]. Happy birthday, A-Dawg!
ALICE: Oh my heavens! You shouldn't have! [Opens envelope.] Um…
BELLA: It's a $15 gift card to The Olive Garden.
ALICE: Oh. That's…neat. Was this by any chance owned by Meryl Streep or maybe Picasso?
ALICE: You know I don't eat people food, right?
BELLA: They have unlimited salad and breadsticks!!!
QUIL: My girlfriend didn't want to go out tonight, so instead she stayed home and got dizzy. She loves to get dizzy. She's really good at it. And it's cheaper than a movie.
JACOB: My girlfriend, who is 72 hours old, finds the work of Julie Taymor ostentatious.
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