Blogging Pride and Prejudice as if it Were a Teen Novel: Part 12

Chapters 17-19, Volume of the Deuce

Jane Austen is a rule-breaking sonuvagun! (That's French for "son of a gun.")

Lizzy Bennet's all like, "I've been back home for two weeks!" but she still hasn't told her sister the Darcy-related gossip. Finally, Lizzy and Jane get really old and die of lysomnia and karowinx (respectively). One day, Lizzy rolls over in her grave and says, "Hey, Ghost of Jane, GUESS THE FRACK WHAT."

GoJ: There's a worm in your eye? BO-RING. Being dead is dumb.

GoL: No, listen! I've been meaning to tell you that a) Darcy confessed his love for me and I refused him, and then b) Darcy wrote me a letter explaining that Wickham is actually a very bad man who tried to swindle money from Darcy, not the other way around as we had suspected!

GoJ: You should have told me earlier!

GoL: I couldn't. Our sister Lydia was being a butt-hat.

GoJ: Oh right. Well that's crazy style. ...Anything else you want to tell me now? Maybe something about my old flame, Mr. Bingley?

GoL: Erm, no? Let's talk about, um, something else. There's a slug on your femur!

GoJ: *sigh* I should have married a pirate and died in the ocean.

GoL: I should have married a ninja and disappeared into thin air. Too bad I never even kissed anyone.

GoL & GoJ: LIP VIRGINS FOREVERRRRRR!!!!!

So that's basically how it goes down. Lizzy spills some beans, but not the juiciest beans, because those should only be enjoyed in private. The juiciest beans, of course, are that Darcy told Bingley that Jane wasn't a good match for him. Darcy also kept Jane's trip to London a secret from Bingleberry because Darcy thought it would be too tempting for Bingley to visit Jane. It would have, and Jane and Bingletoes would probably already have produced 43 adorable burping baby humans together. Anyway, the important part is that Darcy (and Bingley's sister Caroline) are the reason Bingley stopped courting Jane.

Why doesn't Lizzy tell Jane this? I don't really know. Thing is, Jane Austentatious doesn't give us a good reason for keeping this secret. Hence, a rule is broken, like a femur.

Teen Novel Rule #35: As we know from Rule #23, secrets are GREAT, but your trusty protag needs a reason to be less-than-forthright with her bestie/sister. Since Austentatious gives us no substantial reason for Lizzy not to tell Jane that Bingley DID like her, and that Jane's NOT to blame for their relationship ending, I have to count this as a loss.

I know some of your readers will be like, "I hope you die a lip virgin, Emily Winter!" for calling Jane Austen out on an icky, but FIRST think about this, restless bibliophiles: What would you do in Lizzy's situation? Doesn't it seem logical to explain to Jane that it's not her fault her crush moved on? Wouldn't a good sister, friend, and human being tell her? I amen't no Auntie SparkNotes, but methinks YES.

Next, everyone learns that the soldiers are getting the Helsinki out of Dodge Meryton. Lydia, who we all agree is a hussy in her low-slung jeans, is beyond devastated because her entire existence revolves around flirting with the officers. Boo hoo. Get a hobby! Read Jane Austen! Oh, meta attack. Barf.

But then! A colonel's wife invites Lydia to come with her to Brighton, where all the soldiers will be. Lydia's so excited that she explodes out of a cake into outer space. Meanwhile her airheaded older sister Kitty sulks because she wasn't invited, too. As Lydia zips around the moon, Lizzy has a'talkin'to with her dad. She pleads with Mr. Bennet not to let Lydia go to Brighton because Lydia is an embarrassment to the family. Mister B insists that the only way Lydia will get better is if she embarrasses herself in front of a whole town. He says if she does it in Brighton, at least the rest of the family won't be there to see it.

Dannnnng. I can't tell if this is "tough love" or "throw my insipid daughter into a black hole and watch her get pulled apart atom by atom because the laws of gravity are too much for the human body to handle" love. In any case, nobody's being very nice about Low-Slung Lydia; Mr. Bennet's too lazy to try to change her, and Lizzy's got DJ Dizzy Darcy's choice words about her family swirling around her mind grapes.

Teen Novel Rule #36: If your main character has a good reason to act out of character in the second half of the book, let her! It'll mix things up! In this case, Lizzy has a really good reason to selfishly ask that Lydia not be allowed at Brighton—her sister is like a roach bomb for boys. Lizzy ain't gonna get no ring with her little sis stinking up a whole town, so Lizzy makes an uncharacteristically selfish move, but it's a logical uncharacteristic move, so it works.

After Lydia leaves, Lizzy gets so excited about her summer trip to the lake with Jane and her aunt that she sews herself a bathing suit out of Jane's tears and Darcy's letters. Then THE TRIP GETS CANCELED. Ohhhh no! Turns out Lizzy's aunt, Mrs. Gardener, can't be away for as long as she'd hoped, so the vacation will only be to Derbyshire.

Derbyshire? Derbyshire...? Derby...shire? DERBYSHIRE! That's where Darcy's from!

So the gang heads to at Derbyshire, and they wind up in a little town called Lambton. This, of course, is Darcy's town. THEN, Mrs. Gardiner declares that they'll be hanging out at Pemberley. Pemberley, of course, is Darcy's estate.

Teen Novel Rule #37: Every time there's a major coincidence, a baby panda loses its wings. I want to see Lizzy WORK to get Darcy back, not be plopped on his lap by an Angel of Destiny.

But oh hey! A chambermaid assures Lizzy that Darcy's gone for the summer and there's no chance of running into him in his own home. And that is how Volume of the Double ends.

Okay, assuming DJ Dizzy D shows up at, um, his house, I'm going to count Rule #37 as a LOSS. Is that so wrong? Are my pancakes full of mold?

ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

Jane Austen Scorecard: Wins, 27; Losses, 9; Undecideds, 1

Do you agree with these rules? Disagree? Stink it UP in the COMMENTS!

To see the in-depth analysis of Jane Austen's rule-breaking and stuff, click here.

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