wakwy’s back with the most misery-laden Scarlet Letter blog yet. Get excited, people! –Sparkitors
Chapter 5
Two weeks ago I asked for nickname suggestions for Hester. I almost went with “Dan Optimus Jedi Harry Ronny” (thanks, Chabelinni!), but Hester isn’t awesome enough to have Dan’s name attached to her. So, she will henceforth be known as “Biscuit,” because I’ve always wanted to nickname someone Biscuit.
The chapter opens with Biscuit getting out of jail. Instead of being happy, she’s all mopey and sad because her life is going to be oh-so-hard. She’ll be the village’s model for immorality, used to teach little girls to wait until marriage to have sex. Which I personally agree with, but I don’t need ShameBiscuit as my inspiration.
Considering MiseryBiscuit lives in a society where people could be executed for something as trivial as not taking their shoes off when they come inside, I’m surprised she did the illegitimate-babymaking dance at all. Back then, life was ROUGH for an unmarried mother. Like, rougher than it is now. If Pearl grows up lonely and friendless, it’s Biscuit who’s got to live with the blame.
Hence, she feels all lonely and sad. So why doesn’t she get out of Dodge, and try to pass herself off as a sexy widow in some other town? Well, according to Nate Hawthorne, she feels bonded to her village because it’s where the momentous occasion of Pearl’s birth went down. Riiight. It’s also where she and her baby were thrown into prison, and where the baby’s cowardly father skulked around doing absolutely nothing for either of them. I don’t really understand the nostalgia here, frankly. If I’m standing on a street corner eating a cupcake, and some guy runs by, steals the cupcake, shoves me to the ground, and forces me to watch him enjoying my delicious cupcake, I’m not going to stick around on the corner just cause it’s where I once had a cupcake. Truth.
And there’s another reason why Biscuit won’t leave. It’s because she hopes that the father of her child will marry her! (She still won’t tell us who it is, but I think it’s Dimmesdale.) To make things even more pathetic, MartyrBiscuit isn’t even IN the village, she’s on the outskirts on a little plot of land that’s too sick to grow anything. She’s got barely enough money coming in to buy food for her and Pearl, and all the little kids in town run crying from the letter on her dress. I’m going to assume that’s because the letter is made of live killer bees, because otherwise it makes absolutely no sense.
Okay, where is that jerk-donkey-butt, Pearl’s father? Isn’t he supposed to get saddled with child support? He’s probably running around with some other woman by now. The Puritans should stick him in a closet with no food or water. Or they should put him in an entire three-piece suit made of live killer bees. Then we’ll see who the little kids run from!
Despite her absentee babydaddy, Biscuit finds a way to keep the money coming in. She invents the cure for cancer, gaining respect from the Puritans, and subsequently invents viable models of jetpacks! Just kidding. She does needlework. Actually, she did the letter “A” on her dress—pretty rebellious, considering how gaudy it is (and how covered in bees).
Surprisingly, the Puritans didn’t frown on ALL finery, just most of it. Whenever there’s a big shindig (people being elected, babies being born, somebody dying, all the fun stuff), people go to Biscuit to get their fancy embroidering done. Her embroidery is on all the hottest spots in town: the minister’s cuff, the military’s sashes, newborn babies’ caps. The only thing no one ever asks her to do is…wedding veils.
Aw, come on! She gets it, already! Oy gevalt, these people are giving me a headache.
Anyway, she gets a lot of money from her embroidery, but keeps only enough to support herself and Pearl. She gives the rest away to beggars and charities. Most of the people she gives it to are better off than she is, and they insult her because of her sin. If I was Biscuit, I would stick my quarters to the sidewalk with super glue, then laugh with glee when all those smug beggars try to pick them up. Jerks.
Nate goes on and on about how horrible life is for Biscuit. I think we already went over this, but in case I missed anything:
1. She’s miserable, because no one likes her.
2. She misses Pearl’s father.
3. She can’t even go to church, because she always ends up as the subject of the sermon.
4. She’s afraid of kids because they make even more fun of her than their parents do, though they don’t even understand why.
5. I’m getting bored of hearing about Biscuit’s misery.
Over time the townspeople concoct rubbish legends about Biscuit, saying that she haunts the woods at night with Michael Jackson, and that even looking at the two of them in their ghostly red jumpsuits will rob a young girl of her virginity. Well, not quite. They say that the letter sewn onto her clothes is literally made from the fires of hell, even though we all know it’s made of live killer bees.
Thoughts: A whole 6 pages on Hester’s misery? For serious?
Stephenie Meyer’s Thoughts: Sweet! I can make a smash hit novel by simply filling endless pages with misery! I shall call my main character…Biscuit. No, wait. Bella!
Predictions: People continue to be mean to Biscuit.
Biscuit: *walks quietly down the street*
Townspeople: Shield your eyes, children! Do not look upon the shame of the town! Protect yourself from her killer bees of hellfire and damnation!
Kids: *gaspeth* Did you hear that she did…The Dance? With a guy who wasn’t her husband?!
Reverend Wilson (to Pearl): Who’s yo’ daddy?
Pearl: * cries*
Biscuit: * is miserable *
Me: Ugh. This again?
We’re hoping the next chapter focuses on an emotion that’s not misery. Something like sleepiness, or befuddled amusement. Think we’ve got good odds?
Related post: Blogging the Scarlet Letter
Want to write for SparkNotes? So did Nathaniel Hawthorne, but his post had too many sad zombie fights. We bet we're gonna like yours better.
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