Blogging Pride and Prejudice as if it Were a Teen Novel: Part 11

Volume of the Second, Chapters 13-16

A man in a cheeseburger costume usurped my pants. It's a long story, but this accounts for my two-week P&P hiatus.

Since I haven't posted in a few weeks, let's do a quick review: My old pants were purple, and they had a hole in the butt from the time I got hit with a poison dart. Also, DJ Dizzy Darcy just professed his love to Lizzy Bennet, and Lizzy rejected him. Then, Darcy gave Lizzy a letter. In the letter, Darcy insulted Lizzy's family, and defended himself against Lizzy's accusations about cheating Wickham out of a fortune. Darcy explained that Wickham is actually gross and corrupt, like expired jelly.

This brings us to chapter 13, Volume 2. Lizzy rereads Darcy's letter over and over. She hits her head on an elephant tooth, gets a concussion, and starts to agree with Darcy about everything. Lizzy concedes that her mom and younger sisters are kind of losers. She thinks her dad is awesome, but never does anything to stop the spread of ignorance butter that covers more than half of his family. Lizzy agrees that Jane should have been more obvious about her feelings for Bingley. Also, Lizzy believes Darcy about the Wickham thing. If Wickham had tried to take advantage of Darcy (instead of the other way around), that explains why Wickham avoids Darcy. Lizzy feels terrible for berating Darcy and realizes he's actually right about everything and she's the prideful fool.

Barf. I still think Darcy puts the "rash" in "trash." I mean, maybe he IS right about everything, but did his letter have to be SO RUDE?! I guess nothing says "I love you" like the truth covered in razor wire (except of course, "I love you").

As Lizzy's slowly coming to the realization that she's into Darcy and she's not going to bother sticking up for her family, Darcy leaves at Rosings with his buddy, Colonel Fitzwheatballs. This is a smooth-like-vanilla move on Jane Austen's part because of Rule #33:

Teen Novel Rule #33: When our main character has a change of heart about someone, that person should become inaccessible. Why, you ask? MOAR WAITING! MOAR TENSION! MOARRRRRRR EXPLOSIVEZ! EXCELLENT?

EXCELLENT!

Lizzy's leaning toward being in love with Darcy when she leaves the Collins home and goes to London to pick up her sister. If you're actually trying to follow this book with me, I'm pretty sure the Darcy/Lizzy Love Path looks like this manuscript for a baby book I've been writing for the last 11 months:

P&P experts, does this look right to you? (I know Darcy's head is that shade of blue, but I'm not sure if Lizzy's should be Hot Times in Miami Orange or Shake It Like a Ferret Orange.)

When Lizzy gets to London, she can't wait to tell Jane about all the Darcy/Bingley drama. Unfortunately, Lizzy and Jane are stuck traveling with Charlotte's sister Maria, and Lizzy doesn't get a chance to privately talk to her sister. Lydia and Kitty were also, um, somewhere out of town, and Lizzy's carriage picks them up on the way home, too.

Lydia's acting like an extreme spoiled brat. She brags about spending money on things she doesn't need or particularly like, she totally ignores the awkward sister, Mary, she tells Jane she'd be ashamed to still be single at Jane's age, and she says that Wickham and Mary King broke up and that Mary is a "nasty freckled thing." All this PLUS the fact that the Bennets don't have much money (let alone money to spend on useless junk), AND the last time Lydia saw Jane, Jane was brokenhearted over being rejected by a boy, make Lydia seem ickier than ever. And this is a good thing, because...

Teen Novel Rule #34: Is it love? THEN GIVE US A SIGN! Darcy said some pretty extreme things in his letter to Lizzy, including insults aimed at her younger sisters. The fact that Lydia acts so over-the-top evil and selfish reinforces just how right Darcy was. For us readers, it's a sign that things are falling into place, even if Lizzy can't see it yet.

And that's pretty much it! Practically nothing happens in these chapters; they're all about feelings. By the end of Chapter 16, Lizzy's feeling terrified of seeing the Wickham, who's a lying sack of rusty nails. Mrs. Bennet's feeling happy that Jane didn't get ugly during her months in London (don't even try to understand), and Lydia's not feeling at all, because she's a shopaholic zombie hussy.

Jane Austen Scorecard: Wins, 26; Losses, 7; Undecideds, 1

Do you guys think Lizzy's being a pushover, or awesome? Also, I'm running out of teen novels to read! Any recommendations?

To see the in-depth analysis of Jane Austen's rule-breaking and stuff, click here.

Read all Blogging P&P posts here!