Watch out, teachers' pets: Lauren is about to shake things up.—Sparkitors
Do you loathe your World Lit teacher with every fiber of your being? Is your AP Lit grade high enough that you can handle tanking a big assignment? Or, is it low enough that you just don't care anymore? If you have answered yes to any of these questions, then this post is for you. Teachers always tell you to write essays a certain (mind-bogglingly boring) way—but today, you'll be learning how NOT to write an essay, or, as I like to say, how to write an anti-essay. Just follow these three easy steps:
Step 1: Choose your topic. If you truly want to make the perfect anti-essay, you must choose an interesting but completely irrelevant and borderline absurd topic. Writing about the book you were forced to read is just so...normal. Instead, summarize your favorite Dr. Seuss story, or list the reasons you love penguins (if you don't love penguins, then please stop reading immediately). Now, I can hear you saying "But that’s not the point of the assignment!" Ah, naïve reader, you must remember: this is the anti-essay. You can write about whatever you want—the crazier, the better!
Step 2: Write. After you have chosen an appropriately absurd topic, you should start writing right away. You remember when your teacher rambled on about “planning your essay” and “writing an outline”? Forget all of that. Planning leads to a respectable paper, which is not what you're after. Remember to avoid using correct grammar or spelling, since those are both signs of a well-written paper. Also, use as many clichéd sayings as possible to aggravate your teacher even more. Make sure to use overly simplistic vocabulary words like good, bad, nice, or very, and, if possible, write your paper on a napkin or tissue (you get double the points if it's used). Some of you may want to go the extra mile and write your piece entirely in crayon or marker, in which case we praise your overachieving underachievement.
Step 3: Edit. You're not done just because you've finished writing! The last step is editing. Now, bring to mind all you've ever learned about editing (reading your paper backwards, correcting grammar and spelling, taking out awkward phrasing, etc) and throw it into an imaginary trash can. Anti-essay editing is basically the opposite of regular-essay editing: comb through the essay and make sure you have a healthy amount of misspelled words (at least seven per paragraph, or one per sentence) and at least ten run-on sentences. The last editing step is to look for any sort of moral or point. If you find one, take it out immediately. Anti-essays have no point, except to fail at being an essay.
If you have carefully followed all of these steps, you will have successfully failed your essay. Or, if you think about it from the other side of the equation, you will have aced your anti-essay! Enjoy all the perks it brings, such as being labeled “the trouble-maker,” bringing that 100% down to a 78%, or having your teacher growl menacingly every time you raise your hand. Don’t mistake your classmates’ blank looks for confusion; they're simply jealous they didn’t think of writing an anti-essay first.
We sort of wish we were still in high school so we could give this a try. Alas, our anti-essay on the merits of sea monkeys will never see the light of day. What would your anti-essay be about?
Related post: How To Write the Perfect Essay in Five Minutes
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