Auntie SparkNotes: Cougar Schmougar

Today, Auntie answers a letter from an anti-boyfriend Sparkler (and draws a positively noble picture!). —Sparkitors

Dear Auntie,

I have a great circle of friends who I adore and have a ton of fun with. The only problem is, one's a cougar. No, not a roaring, tail-whipping feline come to eat us, a girl who preys upon younger guys. HELP!!!!

The friend in mention, let's say "Krystal", is currently dating a two-year younger boy. I was shocked to hear this, and frankly thought it was a little creepy. Especially cause Krystal had never dated a guy before, and in our circle of friends we're not really into dating. We all like people, sure, but none of us (till now) had ever dated anyone and didn't really want to. We're the mature type, see?

Anyway, Krystal met this guy on Facebook and then met him in person (he went to our school and everything.) There's not really any problem with him, other than I was running and reading Seuss before he flew screaming into the world. He is kind of annoying, and none of us really enjoy his company, but, ya know, whatever. Moving on. My friends and I had a sleepover at my house a couple weeks back. Krystal was totally being normal, until her boyfriend called her on her cellular device. Then, she insisted on talking to him while we played a variety of board games until late at night, totally ruining our bonding time (cause he could totally hear us, we were talking to him) and annoying the bazooka out of me. When it got to be like 11:00 (they had been talking for 2 hours!!!!) I said loudly, so he heard, "I think it's time for little boys to go to bed,". Everyone laughed - except Krystal. She gave me the death stare and promptly wandered into my guest bedroom, laying on the bed and talking to him for another 45 minutes. So, she was totally absent from our girly sleepover, talking to her baby of a BF who none of us like. What is wrong with the world? Am I being too controlling? I just think it's weird, is all. Save me from this boy-eating female who I used to love!

Oh, Sparkler. You don't need me to save you! Just keep on doing what you're doing, and this situation will resolve itself in no time. A couple more weeks of hearing that she's "weird," "creepy," "boy-eating," "annoying," "immature," and "wrong" for daring to date someone—let alone a slightly-younger someone—and not only will you not have to worry about your friend ruining your girly bonding time with her phone conversations, but she'll probably stop speaking to you altogether!

And, um, I kinda wouldn't blame her.

Because while it's not cool to put your friends on hold for a guy, it's just freakin' awful to tear your friend to shreds for liking one. I mean, geez, Sparkler. There's so much sanctimonious snark dripping from your letter that your friend would have to be blind not to notice it. And given the intensity with which you're judging her, it's no surprise that she's opting for phone time with her boyfriend over face time with you. You're not just being controlling—you're being mean, and you're hurting her feelings.

Here's the deal. The friend you "used to love" has decided to get involved with someone—which, despite the fact that the rest of you aren't yet dating, is a perfectly natural, normal, and appropriate thing for a teenager to do. It's not your place to hate on her for it, or for her choice of guy. And really, you're not doing your friend, yourself, or the human race any favors by calling a girl a "cougar" just because she dates a dude two years younger (seriously, as if guys haven't been doing the same thing for ages?). Teenagers mature at different rates; it's entirely possible for a couple to be two years apart age-wise but on the same level in all the important ways. So while of course you're free to arbitrarily limit your own dating pool exclusively to people whose birthdays precede your own, there's no reason to label people who don't as delinquent creepsters.

As for what's next, it's time to decide what you value more: your friendship with Krystal, or your desire to slam her for her dating choices. (Which, by the way, is pretty much the polar opposite of "mature." Adults usually respect their friends' autonomy in matters of the heart, y'know?) And if you do want to preserve your friendship, then you need to:

1. Apologize. You've been a pill about this; to make things right, you'll need to own up. So in your own words, let her know that you know you were wrong to be so judgmental, and that you're sorry for your rudeness.

2. Back off. No more snide remarks, no more complaining, no more making your friend feel like dirt for wanting to date.

Don't worry; I haven't forgotten that your friend did her own share of behaving badly in this situation. But once she's not living under the weight of your disapproval, she may do a better job of lowering her defenses and balancing her attention so that nobody feels neglected. So give it a few weeks to settle, and then see where you stand. And if you're still being ditched for the boyfriend, initiate a mature conversation—one where you explain that you like her, you miss her, and it hurts your feelings when she neglects your bonding time in order to talk to the boy.

Together, you can work it out so that everyone feels loved, nobody feels judged, and—please, in the name of all that is good and pure—nobody ever calls anyone else a "cougar" again.

What's your take on today's letter? Tell us in the comments! And to get in touch with Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com or look her up on Facebook.