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The Real Origins of Thanksgiving

The Real Origins of Thanksgiving

flyergirl13's got some far-fetched theories about Thanksgiving, but we think she's right on about the PIE.—Sparkitors

Thanksgiving is a wonderful time of year: turkeys face their annual apocalypse as we stay home from school, snarf up food by the bucketful, and scream at football players on TV. But what's the origin of this beloved holiday? I'm here to present you with a few educated guesses.

Hunter Theory: Basically, all the humans who enjoy killing birds created this day so they'd have an excuse to hunt turkeys.

Football Theory: The NFL made up Thanksgiving after the Holiday Police rejected their idea for a  National NFL Day in November.  The fact that they always have important games on Thanksgiving Day isn't just a coincidence.

Family Theory: The Spend-More-Time-With-Your-Extended-Family Society created this holiday to force you to sit across from your relatives and eat green beans. Why they stuck it in November, I don't know. Maybe it's meant to serve as a reminder of the misery you're going to have to endure once December arrives, and brings your 19 screaming cousins with it.

Boring November Theory: Nothing ever really happens in November, so the government gave us a 3.5-day break from school. Instead of wasting our time in the classroom trying to pretend  we're not fantasizing about Christmas break, we get to eat mashed potatoes. Sounds like a good plan to me.

Pie Theory: We eat cake at birthdays, ice cream in the summer, and candy on Halloween. But there's no designated time to eat pie. Well, except for March 14 (Pi Day!), but that doesn't count because it's in March. Thanksgiving was invented so that pie doesn't feel left out... and so we'd have something to do with all those pumpkins left over from October.

Black Friday Theory: Whoever created Thanksgiving probably worked in retail and decided to boost profits by throwing gigantic sales that turn people into rabid, television-hoarding animals.

Thanks Theory: Someone thought we weren't thankful enough for all of life's blessings, so they made a day specifically to give thanks. THANKS, GUYS.

Sure, there's that whole Pilgrim/Plymouth rock theory too, but these are so much more interesting...

Related post: How To Win At Thanksgiving

Topics: Life
Tags: holidays, thanksgiving, ridiculous things, funny things, theories

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