Megan's Life Lessons: Megamind=MEGAFAIL

jedimastermegan describes this post as “a really really unnecessarily in-depth look at this film’s suck-factor." Hey, if that doesn't intrigue you, then nothing will. —Sparkitors

You know when you walk into a movie theater, full of glorious expectations, and you select a seat in the top row, directly under the projector, and you plant your feet on the chair in front of you for optimal comfort because you just KNOW that this movie is going to be awesome and hilarious, much like Despicable Me, but then the movie starts and all the joy and happiness in the world implodes as you realize you have two hours of crap to sit through? Yeah. That’s how Megamind was. Here’s a breakdown of why this movie sucked. Hardcore. Like, wow, the suckage was mind-boggling.

The Trailer: In the trailer we get a basic sense of what the movie is about: we have the classic hero, the dastardly villain, the damsel in distress. But hark—mine eyes detecteth a twist! We as an audience actually like the villain! He appears to be quite funny! In addition, the hero is arrogant, self-righteous, and annoying! Oh, and the damsel: why, she is smart and spunky! (And I absolutely hate her really a lot more than anything. More on that later.)

But here’s the problem:

1. Have you seen the trailer? If you have, congratulations: you can now arrive twenty minutes late to the film, because you have basically seen the ENTIRE BEGINNING.

2. The trailer was funny. The movie was not. The trailer used up all the good jokes. It’s like the writers wrote the trailer first and then constructed the film around it, twirling their impressive mustaches slyly, reasoning that if the trailer was funny, people would pay real money to see the movie. Ten points for the writers. YOUR STRATEGY WORKED, DUDES. Now why don't you go kill an endangered butterfly or teach a panda cub to use a machete. Great. Thanks.

The Characters: Megamind=fine. Metroman=whatever. Titan guy=plot vehicle. Minion dude=you’re dumb and you fall vastly short of your potential, but you’re not nearly as bad as Roxanne. Roxanne, I wrote you this letter. I hope you read it, and then I hope you die.

Dear Roxanne,

I hate you. You are so annoying. You are so pretentious. I’m supposed to find you strong and spunky, but your stupid stupidness makes my heart hurt. You’re always trying to save Metrocity, but no one cares because every time you’re on screen you have to “wittily” assert your strength through forced dialogue. You’re all, “I’m a smart news reporter and I find Megamind laughable and I have so much logic. I’m so devoted to this city. Girls, you can be a hero too!” I can’t argue with your message. But that doesn’t mean I loathe you any less.

I bet your favorite color is boring.

From, Megan

The story: Luke had to destroy the empire. Frodo had to destroy the ring. Harry had to defeat Voldemort. None of them ever changes their mind about their quest halfway through—BUT MEGAMIND DOES. He waffles back and forth between good and bad every 3 seconds. Just watch, and feel your heart break inside your chest:

1. Megamind is bad and must defeat Metroman.

2. Megamind is supreme dictator of Metrocity and is lonely and now is dissatisfied.

3. Megamind creates a new hero to fight so that he can fight with the villain cause he’s bored.

4. Megamind falls in love with Roxanne and is now a good guy.

5.  Megamind decides to give up and be a bad guy again and fight Titan, who he assumes is a good guy.

6. Megamind does a lot of confusing conflict changes and can’t decide if he’s a good guy or a bad guy because Roxanne is squashing his heart.

7. Megamind decides to be a good guy and save Roxanne and defeat Titan, who is now a bad guy. Megamind becomes a hero.

I stopped caring at number 4. Plus, I was out of popcorn. A terrible combination.

To top everything off, this movie was brimming, just BRIMMING, with logical fallacies. If I tried to explain them to you, it would look something like this:

GIANT FREAKING EXPLOSION—flame repellent dandruff?! “NO WE HAS EVIL PLAN!!!  DO NOT SPEND TWO HOURS EATING THE DINNERZZZ!” You’re a robot fish. WHY DOES HE COLOR PAPER ELABORATELY?! WHY?!?!?!WLIEHGAOWihgo EVERY BAD THING EVER.

I bet it made you weep tears of blood just to read that sentence. Well imagine having to WATCH IT. I hate this movie. I hate it so much. The animation was good, though.

The animation was good? We're sold. Is there anyone left alive who wants to see Megamind with us?

Related posts: Movie Review: Megamind; Megan's Life Lessons