Blogging Wuthering Heights: Part 19

Coffinmaker, we snort-laughed twice! —Sparkitors

Chapters XXI-XXIII

Gah! Heathcliff has a new evil plan! Maybe he just had this plan all along and I just realized it, but...

Basically, he wants his son Linton to marry Cathy Junior, which is pretty iffy in and of itself, since they're cousins. But the problem is that Linton is sickly and lives completely on warm milk and Chips Ahoy that he insists on being pre-chewed by Joseph's scabby gums so he can suck them through a straw. Heathcliff doesn't think he'll live past 18.

And when Linton dies, (if they marry) Cathy will be the heir to both the houses of Wuthering Heights and Thrushcross Grange, but she won't be able to claim them since she's a girl. So Heathcliff will own both houses, the chauvinist.

This has been his plan all along—he gambled Hindley's estate away from him and married Isabella only to get a son. Now he wants his son to marry lil Cathy, and when that son dies he'll take Cathy in as his ward and he will own both houses.

So I know what he wants to do, but now I'm wondering...why? I mean, really. He doesn't say why. It's not like he likes Thrushcross Grange more than Wuthering Heights and wants to live there, because at the beginning, when Lockwood was narrating, we saw him living in Wuthering Heights when he could have been living at Thrushcross Grange.

Well, I've developed my own theories on why he wants to own both houses:

• He wants to use Thrushcross Grange as his mansion, and Wuthering Heights as his superhero lair. He will become Foot-Punch Man, and, along with his sidekick, the Bible-Thumper, build a secret tunnel between the two with herds of moles.

• He wants to combine the powers of the two separate houses to create the Super House, Thrushering Hrange.

• He has developed the Victorian equivalent of Transformers; they're made of wood, produced in China (to keep costs down), and can disguise themselves as decrepit mansions! He's already developed Wuthering Heights into the first one, but he needs a second one, so they can fight each other by blasting butlers, chimneysweeps, maids, and servants at each other.

Anyhow, Edgar Linton and Nelly are determined that Cathy Junior is going nowhere near Linton or Heathcliff. Even when the two try to start a long-distance relationship, Nelly finds out, burns their letters, and forbids Cathy from it.

Cathy would fight Nelly and steal the letters from her, except that Nelly threatens to tell Edgar, and Cathy would never want her father to be displeased with her. She loves him way too much.

I don't know how I feel about this whole situation. Edgar and Nelly are right about not letting Cathy near Heathcliff, but they also keep her from people her own age, which isn't right. This means that when she finally does meet someone her own age, she becomes incredibly attached to him: She sees Linton for four hours and the two become inseparable.

Linton, on the other hand, is a stinker. He's whiny and insufferable. No one likes him except for Cathy, and one time when he's being a donkey-hole and saying that Cathy's mother really loved his father, Cathy Junior loses her temper and shoves his chair. He automatically bursts into a coughing fit. So he uses his "illness" to make people pity him—which nobody ends up doing except for Cathy.

So he's not only a whiner, he's a MASTULATOR. And real men hate mastulators, so I don't like him.

Hareton, Hindley's son, meanwhile, has grown into a ripped stud. And he's actually smart, it seems, but he is incredibly awkward. He doesn't know how to talk without cursing around Cathy, so he just doesn't talk at all. But a mute ripped man is better than a talkative mastulator, says I.

Smeyer's thoughts: After reading these chapters, Smeyer decides to put a segment in Eclipse where Bella and Edward have to go long-distance for a time. Their relationship is strained until Edward just sits down one day and writes code for an iPhone app called the iFaceTouch. This way, they can each touch each other's faces remotely, no matter how far the distance. Their relationship is saved. Thank God for the fact that vampires can write code, since they have two extra chromosomes.

My thoughts after reading this chapter: Man, the knife-gun would clear this mess up in one single BOOM.

In the next chapters: One day, Linton and Cathy are sitting on the grass, and Linton points to the birds.
Linton: You know what I admire about birds? Regurgitation.
Cathy: I do—wait, what?
Linton: I mean, look at that. The mother comes home to her babies and actually hacks up their breakfast. You just can't get more loving than that, can you?
Cathy: Er... you know, I think I just remembered that I have to...not be here.
Linton: You'll come back tomorrow, won't you?
Cathy: Oh...of course...
Linton: Be here right at 9 o'clock so you can eat my breakfast.
Cathy: Don't be silly. I'll have my own breakfast.
Linton: Oh, alright then! Just be sure to eat enough for two.
Cathy: ...
Linton: It's so much more sexy when you do it than when Joseph does.
Cathy: I'm, uh, going on vacation. For a long time. Bye!
Linton: Bring back a sucker! The ones with the gum inside! I like the gum, but you can keep the crunchy part!

LOLZARZ! Do you find any of these Wuthering Heights characters endearing?

Related Post: Blogging Wuthering Heights