Megan's Life Lessons: How to Be a Magical, Adventure-tastic, Fictional Character
We though jedimastermegan couldn't get any cooler—and then we found out she likes Totoro.—Sparkitors
I’ve had many a day where the mundane-ness of regular life makes me cry out “BIG-TIME LAME!” in the middle of class/work/dinner/dates. Then I get really grumpy and pouty and no one wants to be around me ‘cause I keep mumbling under my breath about how I NEVER get to go on magical adventures and giants never come and say “LOLZ surprise! You’re a wizard!” and I never get to wield a lightsaber (or a sword) and I just want a pet unicorn and eventually I get so upset that I can’t think of a good place to end my incredibly long, ridiculously whiny sentences and then grammar Nazis are like, “You are composed entirely out of fail,” and then I cry. Days like that have officially been dubbed “sad sad boo days.” (Good days are called happy sexy bubbles glitter days. Yay!)
Anyway, sometimes you just need to be whisked off on a daring adventure, and most of the time, ain’t nobody gonna whisk you. (Related: If you’re looking for a whisking buddy, I’m your girl! Unless you mean whisking, like, with an actual whisk. In which case I’m probably your girl, too, provided scrambled eggs and bacon are involved. Mostly bacon. In fact, let’s just forget the whisking. Bacon for everyone! Happy sexy bubbles glitter day! Huzzah!)
There’s really only one solution to the lack of adventure in our collective lives: if you can’t go to Hogwarts, bring Narnia to you. (Random: Ten muffin points if you know what a Totoro is without googling it.) This is where the healing begins, folks.
Give yourself a quest. Frodo had to take a trip to Mt. Doom. Luke had to become jedi-tastic and murder-ize his pop-sicle. Bella had to—oh, wait. Bella didn’t have to do anything at all. My bad! Anyway, the point here is, you can’t be a magical adventure character without an epic quest. (Note: By now you should KNOW how to differentiate between epic and non-epic quests, yo. I straight up taught you this crap already.)
When selecting a quest for yourself, always refer to this handy chart. Your quest should involve three or more of the following:
Other options include, but are not limited to: talking animals, an incredibly skilled archer, pointy ears, various death-inducing weaponry, magical fairy dust, a psychic otter, a rugged and sexy outdoorsman, a shortage of food/rations/supplies, elves, a tube of toothpaste, a sorrowful dragon, and most importantly, a villain. We’ll get to the villain later.
The Sidekick: Every hero needs a wise-crackin’ and slightly useless companion. In the end, he/she/it will show their true colors and help us to understand the value of friendship and loyalty and love and courage and hopefully he/she/it will be good at frying bacon. A sidekick can be basically anything, but remember: if your travel buddy is a rock, your travel buddy will probably not be very good at cooking bacon. My personal suggestion is a hobbit. They’re, like…hardy. Or you could choose a unicorn, because they are magical and they cry edible rainbow tears. Possible names for your unicorn sidekick:
2. Swift Sky Prancer
4. Mohawk Joe
6. Wikipedia Bonanza (I like the way it sounds.)
7. Rainbow Happy McKitten Love
The Wise Old Mentor: If you ain’t got no wise old mentor, you won’t be going very far. You need him, yo. Without your bearded sensei, you will have absolutely no understanding of what the heck is going on in your adventure. A wise old mentor will spew forth precious gems of wisdom. Below are some such suggested jewels.
-“He who walks in the path of light need never fear the darkness.”
-“You’re going the wrong way, dumb tack.”
-“You’ve forgotten your traveling underpants, you fool.”
-“Good shall overcome the eviliest evily vile evilness ever lolz wanna watch videos of cats?”
-“If you are stupid, go away.”
-“When you walk, use your legs.”
-“I will now vanish abruptly from the story, leaving you to fend for yourself and ultimately discover the power of your inner courage and strength you never knew you possessed.”
-“I AM SO OLD.”
Use this extraordinarily exquisite piece of artwork to determine the qualities of a good mentor:
The Villain: Now that you have a questiful questy quest, you need a nemesis. This dude has to be tough. Your rival must appear stronger than you, smarter than you, more powerful than you, with more resources and more paths available to success. That way, when you inevitably kick his ankles to the sky, everyone will be like, “WHOA. That was incredibly impressive. I can really see how you’ve grown as a character in order to face numerous obstacles and, against all odds, emerge victorious. Let us have some brunch, good fellow.”
We all know the classics: Darth Vader, Sauron, Lord Voldemort, The White Witch, The Cumbersome Squid-Man…the list goes on and on. You don’t need to copy them, per se, but your antagonist needs to have a certain, oh I don’t know…aura of evil. Yeah. That’s it. For example:
The lesson to be learned here: have a good villain. If you vanquish Dr. Sprinkles, you’re just a jerk.
Now, go forth and adventure. And commenteth below so that your past and future exploits might be known unto all adventurers and sparklers and lovers of bacon.
Excuse us while we choke to death on our own laughter. If you want to check out more of Megan's hilariousness, read her blog.
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