Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 21
Chapter Twenty-One: First Hunt
Better Title: The Amazing Adventures of Super Bella and Her Sidekick, Lullaby Lad
Thirsty Bella must kill her first wild animal, and Edward wants to show her how it's done in this bloody and bloody confusing chapter. I still question Edward and Bella's parenting skills. Once again, their baby is the subject of three sentences in the entire chapter. But perhaps leaving your baby with an emotionally damaged vampire woman and a 17-year-old baby-dater is a good idea, one that parenting magazines and self-help books should examine more closely. Who am I to say that abandoning your two-day-old child to make out in the forest is wrong?
I know. I know. Bella can't be around Optimus Beyonce because Bella is a bloodthirsty monster. Except she's not a monster at all. She's the most polite, well-mannered newborn vampire since Elijah Wood. We all know she wouldn't try to eat baby Optimus. And even if Bella were a monster, shouldn't she be screaming to see her child? Couldn't they set up a video-chat thing?
It doesn’t matter because Bella would much rather touch Edward's face for the next few hours than think about motherhood. I forget about the face touching. Bella has been in bad shape for most of the book, with a devil's child growing in her belly. This put a halt on all face touching. Now that she is no longer preggers, Edward and Super Bella spend most of his time touching faces. It's hilarious.
Doesn't this get old? I can understand being smitten and obsessed with a boyfriend for the first few months. Then things cool down, even for soulmates. I'm sure if Romeo and Juliet didn't die like the pathetic teenagers that they were, their relationship would be much different as time went on.
JULIET: Honey, why are you Romeo? You should get a new name, like Leroy.
ROMEO: We went over this a billion times. It's just a name. If you had a rose, and called it a muffin, it would still smell like a rose. Duh.
JULIET: Oh, right. Did you set up TiVo to record Little People Big World?
ROMEO: I forgot.
JULIET: [Sarcastically] Way to go, Romeo.
[Romeo spends the rest of the evening in the basement working on his model trains as Juliet does Sudoku puzzles on the sofa upstairs.]
Bella is nervous about going on her first hunt. Edward says everything will go splendidly, and suggests they hop out of the bedroom window so that they don't walk past Optimus Beyonce and the baby-dater downstairs. Bella notices that she's wearing a fancy silk dress and high-heeled shoes, courtesy of the wonderful Alice. However, moments later, Bella tosses the shoes aside, and while running through the forest, she rips the dress. I'm left wondering why Alice even dressed Bella in such a frock.
Alice should have clearly seen the future. Edward had decided to take Bella hunting. Alice would have known this was going to happen. So why didn't she dress Bella in sweatpants and sneakers? Oh, right. Because this book was scientifically engineered to piss me off to such an extent that the word "Twilight" makes my teeth itch. And vampires have two extra chromosomes.
Bella is scared about jumping. She was always a klutz. She doesn’t want to look foolish in front of her new family, and she certainly doesn't want Emmett to make fun of her.
Emmett's there? Hi Emmett! Hey Emmett, when we pick names out of the hat for Secret Santa, pick the piece of paper that's wet. That's my name. I licked it so you could find it. And when you go shopping for my gift, remember that I want a toaster that only toasts an odd number of bagels, I wear an XL-sized foot puppet, I don't like carrots unless they're cooked, I already have a strobe light, Jupiter is my favorite planet, I'm in desperate need of purple Legos, I want a new Xbox because mine smells like milk, I can't speak Dutch, I'm scared of giant sand worms, and in terms of Viking helmets, I need one with dull horn tips so I can safely wear it on a plane—maybe one with fuzzy giraffe horns? Oh, and a gift card to Home Depot would be splendid. Thanks! I already picked out your present. Hint: I hope you like crudely made, life-sized statues of yourself made out of wood and used hair. (Act surprised, OK?)
At the window, Bella watches her beloved Edward leap effortlessly to the ground. She's scared, but jumps out of the window and is surprised at the soft landing. All sense of clumsiness has vanished. Belly is as a graceful as I will be in my giraffe-Viking helmet. Emmett doesn't mock Bella, so I better do it for him.
Hey Bella, when you jumped down you looked like a booger! Yeah, you heard me, booger.
See, Emmett? Did you see what I just did? Oh man, I totally burned Bella, hardcore! I can be cool like you! I can make witty comments! Why won't you answer my letters and songs?
Edward leads Bella to a river and tells her to jump across. Bella isn't sure she can do it, so Eddie goes first. Bella rips her dress to give her legs room to move, and bounds across the water like a fairy gliding across a dream, or a mosquito buzzing across a lake made of puke and walrus sweat.
On the other side, the two lovers begin to run. Bella tells us that Edward is faster than her, but she is stronger, so each of her strides is equal to three of Edward's. That doesn't make sense. She says, "So I flew with him through the living green web, by his side, not following at all." Um, honey, that doesn't mean he's faster than you. If you're running side-by-side, you're running at the same speed. Do you not know what "same" means? I'm pretty sure Grover covered this in-depth on an episode of Sesame Street.
After running for a while, they stop, and Edward asks Bella to listen for nearby animals. He thinks she should try hunting elk because it may be easier than going after a larger animal. Why don't they hunt squirrels instead? Or sleepy dogs?
Bella uses her super hearing to listen for animal sounds. She hears heartbeats in the distance and suddenly remembers that she's thirsty for blood. She's not sure what to do next, and Edward tells her to let her instincts take over. I once let my instincts take over. It didn't end well. This is why we call August 20, 2003, "The Night Dan Wanted To See What Marbles Tasted Like."
She approaches the small herd of elk and is about to strike when she smells human blood and then goes insane for a few paragraphs. It's hard to tell if she's going insane, or if Stephenie Meyer is simply writing Bella as she normally does. This scene is as confusing as any other action scene in the series. I don't know what happens. Instead, I thought about freezing an octopus and throwing it like a throwing star at my enemy.
Running after this poor human, Bella feels as though she's being followed. Her defense mechanisms kick in, and like an animal, she snarls at the would-be attacker, only to realize that it's Edward chasing her. She calms down and feels bad for baring her teeth at her husband. Tell me if I got this wrong: Bella chases a human. Edward chases Bella. Then Bella stops chasing the human and growls at Edward. Pretty straightforward, right? So why is it so hard to follow in the book? Because vampires have chromosomes.
Edward is impressed that Bella not only stopped chasing the human, but could control herself enough to have a conversation. She says it's no biggie. She knew she had to stop or else she would attack the poor human. She adds, "It might have been someone I knew." Oh stop it, Bella. You only know four people in the entire world who aren't monsters. Plus, we all know you have little regard for human life. (Please see every instance in which I made mention of "Italy" and/or "victim.") Had it not been for Edward chasing her, Bella would be flossing out bits of human by now.
With her emotions in check, Bella and Edward do a bit of hiking and eventually stumble upon a poor mountain lion that I have named Lil' David. Lil' David is minding his own business, hanging out in a tree, when Bella, the mother who probably forget her own child's name, attacks and slaughters him in a shocking scene of violence.
Sorry, Lil' David. We hardly knew thee.
Killing the mountain lion was no big deal for Bella, who greedily sucks down Lil' David's blood like he was a furry milkshake. Did I mention that Lil' David used to purr like a house cat, and as a cub, his face would scrunch up in the cutest way when he tried to growl? Poor, sweet Lil' David.
After killing Lil' David, Bella notices that what little remained of her dress is now stained with blood, and there are chunks of Lil' David in her hair. She wonders how Edward can hunt and keep so clean.
Drinking Lil' David's blood wasn't enough for piggy Bella. She wants more blood. Edward suggest they hunt for some deer, but Bella doesn't like herbivore blood as much as carnivore blood. I expected Edward to dart into the words and emerge with a shark for Bella in one hand and giant fat guy in the other. Instead, he says, "Tough luck, kiddo," but in his usual prissy manner.
They find some deer, kill 'em, and eat 'em. Once again, Bella makes a mess of her kill, and decides to watch Edward kill a deer to see how to murder cleanly. While watching her husband slaughter an animal, Bella is mesmerized by his beauty and grace. She notices every line of his body and the way the light shines on him like stars shining in the sky. Barf. Bella, you do remember you have a baby, right?
Yes, she finally remembers her newborn babe, and asks Edward if she can see Optimus Beyonce. Instead of answering her, he kisses her and they touch faces for a while. Then all thoughts of paternity fly out the window as Bella tackles Edward to the ground. Before they engage in a special hug, Edward brings up Optimus Beyonce, and Bella decides that maybe making sweet love in the forest isn't as important as holding your child for the first time. Good call, Bella. Maybe next you'll have an epiphany and scream, "You shouldn't feed staples to a baby," or, "Babies don't bounce," or, "Babies shouldn't go clubbing with werewolves." But I'm probably asking for too much.
Murmurs: 2 (Book total: 50)
Mutters: 1 (Book total: 31)
On the way back home, Bella and Edward talk.
EDWARD: Holding our baby will be the greatest moment in our existence.
BELLA: Yep. Ooh! But first can we go to the movies? I want to see Jackass 3D!
EDWARD: Well, OK. But then we go right home to see the baby.
[90 minutes later]
BELLA: I want to see it again. The story was hard to follow.
EDWARD: OK. One more time. And then we go home?
BELLA: Sure thing.
[90 minutes later]
EDWARD: Ready to see your baby?
BELLA: Kind of. But I really need to go to the store to get some batteries. Maybe after that I will want to see my child.
[20 minutes later]
BELLA: Now I want to go to the craft store and get some birdhouse wood.
BELLA: To a build a birdhouse...for the batteries.
EDWARD: Fine. Whatever.
[3 hours later]
BELLA: Boy, was it tough picking the right birdhouse wood.
EDWARD: Now can we go?
BELLA: Do you want to make out for bit?
EDWARD: No….well, yes. But we should go back home.
BELLA: But I want to make out. Our baby isn't going anywhere. She can't even walk!
EDWARD: Good point. [Edward applies his kissing balm]
[1 hour later]
EDWARD: Phew. That was great kissing.
BELLA: Yep. Do you want to play basketball?
EDWARD: No. You should see Optimus Beyonce.
BELLA: You're just chicken. You know I would kick your ass on the court.
EDWARD: [Angry] Bring it, lamb! [Grabs nearby basketball]
BELLA: It's on!
[1 hour later, back at the Cullen house.]
BELLA: OK. Where is the baby? I'm ready to be a mom.
ROSE: Sorry guys. The baby thinks the sofa is her mom now. She also calls the floor, "Dah-dah."
BELLA: Darn. Hey Edward, do you want to play me in Call of Duty?
QUIL: My girlfriend is afraid of being flushed down the toilet.
JACOB: My girlfriend has never experienced a Thursday.
Bring it, lambs! Click here!